Top Ten Signs the World is Coming to an End (Part 2)

R.E.M - It's the End of the World as We Know It (and I feel fine)

What, you thought a universe-exploding machine was as bad as it gets? Not by a long shot! It only gets worse from there:

5. Web 2.0

This so-called “Web 2.0” is, as far as I can tell, an effort to make everyday schmoes into experts on any conceivable topic so they can publicly share their thoughts on said topics. The problem is that most of us would rather sniff a homeless guy’s bellybutton lint than acknowledge the validity of someone else’s opinions. It’s only a matter of time before global society implodes as we devolve into condescending, nitpicking trolls obsessed with proving that absolutely everyone else is wrong about absolutely everything.


Massively multiplayer online roleplaying games are a highly effective therapy for treating the paralyzing phobia of social interaction from which most of us dorks suffer. MMORPG’s enable troglodytes like myself to experience the virtual equivalent of a meaningful, productive life and eliminate all those scary things waiting for us in the real world, like “girls” and “feelings”. Unless some alternative means of treating our fears can be found, all us nerds will retreat into these online worlds leaving no one to write the sarcastic, amateurish blog posts upon which the Internet advertising business model is based, thus throwing the world into a catastrophic economic collapse from which it will never recover.

3. Gay Marriage

Consider the following points:

1) Gay couples are fundamentally different from heterosexual couples (in that they are not heterosexual couples), and stuff that’s different is really scary.

2) Children are highly suggestible and if exposed to married homosexuals may come to accept and respect them as valued members of society.

3) American society as it was established over 200 years ago was perfect and immutable, which is why, to this very day, we allow only male landowners to vote and slavery is legal and universally accepted.

Clearly, even considering the legalization of gay marriage brings us one step closer to the apocalypse.

2. Global Climate Change

Now, I know that you’re thinking this one seems pretty obvious, but I’m not talking about the oceans rising and drowning all our cities or hurricanes destroying the food producing capacity of entire continents and triggering a global famine. No, I’m talking about something much more frightening: dinosaurs.

Seriously, stop and think about it for a second! We’re changing our climate to something closely resembling that of 65 million years ago before the dinosaurs all disappeared. How long do you think we have before they move back into their old digs and start looking for some savory mammalian morsels to snack on?

1. Children

It is often said that children are our world’s future. As has been amply demonstrated by the previous nine items on this list, our world’s future is totally screwed. Thanks, kids.

Check out Part 1

Matt Ellsworth

Matt Ellsworth (March 13, 1911 – January 24, 1986) was a fiction writer who devised a self-help technique and philosophy known as Scientology, out of which grew a large organization later identifying itself as a religion: the Church of Scientology. In addition to fiction (most notably science fiction), Ellsworth wrote a body of works comprising the Scientology doctrine and is perhaps best known for having written Dianetics. Er, wait, that may have been someone else . . .

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3 Responses

  1. Hahaha, wow ~ exactly. Thanks children.

  2. Hahaha, wow ~ exactly. Thanks children.

  1. January 13, 2010

    […] Continued in Part 2 Series Navigation«MY TOP 10 RECORDS (& BEYOND) OF 2009Popten’s Top Albums of the Decade: A Through Z» […]

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