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Tiny Pigs as Posh Pets: Finally Celebs Make Sense To Me

I lost the celebs somewhere in the mid-2000s. Somewhere in the midst of Paris & Nicole getting farmy on all of us, I just lost all ability to comprehend what went on in those coke-addled brains of theirs. From sex tapes to Scientology, it was just gibberish. Until now.

Because celebs have stumbled on the ultimate value proposition. Rather than have some canine-rodent hybrid living in your blinged-out Luis Vuitton bag, shitting all over your unpronounceable makeup and wallet, why not one of these charming fellows?

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They call them Micro Pigs. Tall as a teacup in their youth, they only grow to be 14 inches as adults. Why pigs over dogs?

1. In a very recent study, pigs were found to be among the smartest animals in existence. Almost up there with dolphins.

2. Pigs orgasm for twelve hours. Think you’re having a good Thursday? Not compared to Wilbur, you’re not.

3. Charlotte’s Web and Babe proved once and for all that pigs can talk and wear top hats and shit. I’ve never seen a dog with a top hat. That’s preposterous.

4. Leading the pack of Micro-Pig-toting celebs is THIS GUY:

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I rest my case. And leave you with another heart-shattering pic.

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Oh, and they cost about $1,000 a pop. Isn’t ten measly Benjamins worth one teensy Porky?

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