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X-men Exist! How Top 40 Radio Led Me to Dazzler

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One of my guiltiest pleasures this year (besides armed robbery) has been the electro-schmaltz hit “Evacuate the Dancefloor” by euro deities Cascada (both the name of the band and sometimes of the lead singer- bizarre). I can’t help myself- something about this song is so balls-out intense, I can’t turn it off when it comes on the radio. And it comes on the radio approximately every five seconds.

I might have been listening to it for the five thousandth time this morning on the way to work, and it hit me. Cascada is without a doubt X-men’s very own Alison Blaire, a.k.a. Dazzler. And “Evacuate the Dancefloor” is nothing less than her coming out song. I think muties are finally going public.

For those of you who had normal childhoods and didn’t have to hide away in comic books, a quick recap. Dazzler is a mutant whose latent power turns sounds into lights and energy bolts. The more sound in the air, the more power she stores up- until she explodes it in some evil villain’s face. By day she’s a pop singer, by night an X-men.

Sure, Cascada looks a lot like Alison Blaire, and they both share the same profession, but it’s the lyrics that make the revelation irrefutable:

Oh, oh, evacuate the dancefloor
Oh, oh, I’m infected by the sound
Oh, oh, stop, this beat is killing me
Hey Mister DJ come on and burn this place right down to the ground

My body’s aching
System overload
Temperature’s rising
I’m about to explode
Watch me I’m intoxicated
Taking the show
It’s got me hypnotized
Everybody step aside

Clearly Dazzler’s decided to spill her guts about her eternal struggle- keeping the light energy trapped in her body, not leaking out like it would without her constant willpower. And most likely this song began as a spontaneous warning during a concert when Dazzler felt the music growing too loud, and was about to wreck Madison Square Garden with her explosive aural might.

I imagine some A&R guy heard the lyrics at the show (if he survived) and loved them so much he forced her to publish the song. Or else Dazzler felt it was time. Either way, I’m onto you, Alison Blaire. And now that I know you’re out there, I’m looking for all you other X-men. Nuff said.

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Visual proof:

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