Top Ten Worst Band Names From the Warped Tour 2010

The FAILblog empire just got a new recruitWhen I was in my formative high school days, going to the Warped Tour was a highlight of the summer. Just old enough to drive, we’d pile about 9 bros and skateboards into mom-duke’s Ford Exploder and drive at high speed to Fitchburg or some other pseudo-municipality in middle Massachusetts, blasting Rage Against The Machine and mooning other drivers. Being pre-9/11, security at the event was pathetic/awesome, and instead of buying tickets we usually just wandered the perimeter until we found a fence to hop. Yes, these were the best days of my life.

Anyway, I can’t even remember a single band we saw there, probably because we were too busy smoking pot and ogling chicks but also because we were there to see local hero skater Andy Woodbury compete on one of the shittiest little skate assemblies I’ve ever seen. The point is that the band names were probably totally dumb then too. However, while I know that “all the good names are taken”, the overall level of retardedness for naming your co-opted-counter-cultural marketing tool has gotten way out of hand.

Here follows a list of the Top Ten Worst Band Names From the Vans Warped Tour 2010. Please note that I make no comment on the actual artistic abilities of the bands themselves, but since we all judge books by their covers anyway, it’s probably safe to assume that they all suck as much as their monikers.

Wait, what’s that you say? ALL the band names at Warped Tour are idiotic? Yes, my friend, it’s true. But we aren’t called PopTEN for nothing. This list was hard! In order to cut down the vast number of entries for the esteemed prize of having the lamest band name ever of June 25-August 15, 2010, as well as make this list nationally relevant, I’m only culling from the bands who will be present at the entire tour. Sorry local heroes/losers!

10. Set Your Goals

I do feel like this band name needs an exclamation point, a toothy grin and healthy tan, and a motivational DVD infomercial. I don’t feel like they’re going to rock.

9. Emmure

Sounds like: “Manure”, which would actually be a pretty good band name, if your goal (set it!) is to “bring a combination of heavy issues and heavier music, and even if you don’t know what they’re talking about, you’ll fit right in as long as you can bang your head.” Also sounds like “Demure”, “Murmur”, “Femur”, and similarly non-kick-ass things.

Maybe if we all Defy Tomorrow hard enough, we can change the world!8. AM Taxi

What is even being said here? Is it supposed to be a strong declarative, like “I AM A TAXI!”, but said in Tarzan-ese? But who would ever want to hear a taxi play music (even if the driver was Bengali and Cheeta was a backup dancer)? Or is it like AM radio being played in a taxi, a.k.a. Rush Limbaugh or an evangelical channel (in Spanish, hopefully) with shitty quality in a smelly yellow deathtrap? Umm, option one please?

7. Closure in Moscow

So the mail-order bride thing didn’t work out. Chin up! There’s other fish in the seafood aisle! Man of you to go all the way to Russia to break her the news instead of doing it via text message. Maybe down the road you two can, you know, be friends. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ROCKING?

6. Pierce The Veil

I’m gonna wager this band name is NOT referencing the recent ban of the Burqa in public offices in France, nor our ongoing military incursion into middle eastern countries, nor an advertising hack’s concept of selling watches to “untapped markets” using Pierce Brosnan as spokesman. Perhaps by the “veil” it means the “veil of silence” which is what happens when the members of this band tell people who they are: a collective gasp of nothing.

5. Breathe Carolina, Breathe Electric

Twofer! Any band with the word “Breathe” in its name should be put on breathing probation. Indefinitely. As if I needed a reminder to “breathe” when I’m in one of the Carolinas (never, thankfully) or when I’m using something “electric”, like my toaster. It’s like telling me to take a shit when I’m driving (or in a taxi!). I’m old enough to know when to do it!

4. You Me At Six

This sounds like a douchebag pickup line – for old people. Only works if you’re Mel Gibson, dudes. And anyway, who does anything at six besides people who go to sleep at nine? No, wait, it’s the title of a Friends episode! Totally redeeming dudes! I love the part where Ross does something funny! Snore.

3. Artist vs. Poet

What the fuck is this, the celebrity deathmatch of emo? Two pasty depressed goths banging their dicks together? Apparently, this “powerpop duo wields catchy beats and infectious melodies based on their solid songwriting and DIY attitude.” Shoot me in the eyeballs and then the ear holes please.

2. Gardening, Not Architecture

When I think of gardening, I think of weeds, manure (Emmure?), insect infestations and frilly hats. When I think of architecture (which this band most definitely is NOT), I think of blueprints and schematics, feng shui and azimuth angles, flying buttresses and bay windows. When I think of this band name, my head explodes. Also, their music is “fuzzy ethereal dreampop”. Head explosion X2!!!1!one

1. I Can Make A Mess Like Nobody’s Business

Ho. Ly. Shit. This is the worst band name ever. How do they even refer to themselves? As an acronym? ICMAMLNB. Sounds like “ickma’amlenoob”. I bet that gets them all the chicks. Sample conversation:

ICMAMLNB band member (hoping to score): Hey honey, I’m in a band.

Drunk chick: Really? What’s it called?

ICMAMLNB: Ickma’amlenoob.

Drunk chick: I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

ICMAMLNB: Oooh, sexy! I get that a lot. It’s short for “I Can Make A Mess Like-”

Drunk chick falls asleep/passes out.

ICMAMLNB (to self): Score! (Louder): Well it looks like somebody’s had a little too much to drink! (Laughs nervously.) Why don’t I take you back to the tour bus where you can rest?


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7 Responses

  1. Hahahaha, holy crap! I just laughed through that entire blog post. You're a genius Dan. ICMAMLNB Forever!

  2. Jamie Antonisse says:

    This is the greatest list in recent memory.

  3. Dogjaws says:

    Dan, pierce the veil is a term used in corporate law for the notion that sometimes it is not fair to allow someone to avoid responsibility if they wrongfully set up a corporation to avoid liability. This is the most boring thing I've written in a long time.

  4. Frank Corva says:

    Please read this if you've been to Warped Tours of years past… and/or if you've ever really witnessed and experienced to some degree what a movement of a style of music feels like.

    I've been out on the Warped Tour for five weeks now. For as whack as so much of this music out here is, there are still the few bands that I either hope to be set up in front of or at least hear from a distance each day. Some of those bands are The Bouncing Souls, Alkaline Trio, Face To Face, Pennywise, The Riverboat Gamblers and a solid handful of others. Now, my point here is not to come off like the old man who knew what it was like back then. Truth is if bands were trying to sound like the bands that I saw at the Warped Tour in 1998 I'd probably have my issues with that as well (though it would still probably be better than most of the horseshit out here.) The only reason I actually wanted to write this comment was because as I was standing on stage watching Pennywise play today I had tears come to my eyes. The same thing happened as I watched the Bouncing Souls play their last date on the tour. And the same thing happened when I heard that Joey Ramone died. I watched Pennywise perform with their new lead singer, who's actually doing a great job, but thought back on what a staple it was to watch Jim sing for the band in his flat brim hat and wrap around sunglasses. No I'm not even the biggest Pennywise fan, nor would I even consider myself Joe Punk Rock by any means, but what I saw in the mid to early nineties had a spirit to it that is in large part lost at this point. And that's not to say that something new hasn't inspired the youth and come out of it. Again, I'm not trying to take the old man stance here. I guess all I really want to voice is that I felt this sadness and thought back on not only my personal Warped Tour and music at large memories, but just the fact that I was a minute part of it. I experienced the spirit of when it had an undeniable vibrancy. I felt a little bit of that magic and the fact that it still carries on in the 'old-timers' and 'scenesters' that stand on stage with the band as they played in the solid two or three dozen kids that are singing along in the front rows – the aftermath of fans that probably feels as strange, alienated and unique as the first two or three dozen kids that ever got into the band.

    I'd love to end this more poetically, but I'm drunk and really just wanna post the link to it on my Facebook page. Again though, I will say that the sadness was a beautiful feeling and I hope that one or two people who read this post can relate, whether they felt it through Hip Hop, Punk Rock or Top 40 radio, because in the end it all makes no difference – it all connects us to a part of our life that was exciting but confusing, tough to stomach, but invigorating and letting that flow through you while in part waving goodbye to it has a beauty all its own to it.

    Okay, now feel free to post comments on my wall making fun of me.

    Much Love To Everyone,


  5. JDiddy says:

    JDay's Rant Warped Tour edition:
    I totally agree with all your points. Last time I went to Warped Tour, all I remember was skinny jeans, half naked 13 yr olds, mostly shitty music, hot ass weather and as you mentioned in your article, shitty band names. Band names like “Dance Gavin Dance and “The Devil Wears Prada”. Just listening to the sound of those words roll off any asshole's tongue makes you want to give them a “Middle Finger Salute”, tell them to “Walk Off the Earth” and then go suck off a bunch of “Angry Samoans.” And what genius came up with the bright idea of naming your band after a book based on Anna Wintour's life within the world's most materialistic, meaningless & shitastic industry? You don't have to be from an “Ivy League” school to realize that the only way anyone can pull off a pansy name like that is if your name is Steven Fucking Segal and can “Death Punch” “Cobra Skulls” with your fucking cock. It's all so GAY GAY GAY. Wow, did I just come up with the name of next year's headliner? Hopefully “This Time Next Year” the kids won't have to endure a bunch of “Swinging Utters” taking the stage whining about their “Fake Problems” and hair straighteners breaking. Anyways, Hope you're loving life out there on the road Frank. Sodas when you get back.

    – J

  6. tj says:

    hay ok now that warped 2010 has come and passed i fell ur list is fals in two spots 10. set your goals is a vary good band and if u listen to there music the name is a perfact fit and no 4 i think you me at six is a pritty rad band they acculy wernt bad the uk pop punk thing was cool as fuck .

  7. I actually found this amazing article , “Top Ten Worst Band
    Names From the Warped Tour 2010 : PopTen”, rather
    compelling plus it ended up being a great read.

    Many thanks-Debbra