You know those toys that were far too complicated to be given to children under the age of 10? Here they are. 1980’s babies and beyond, prepare for a flashback to the days where you fumbled in confusion asking yourself (unfairly), “Why am I an idiot?”
10. Ant farms, Brine Shrimp tanks etc.
Ant farms and brine shrimp tanks are the precursor to real pets such as rats, hamsters, birds and ultimately dogs and cats. They’re a child’s first attempt at taking “care” of something. So when the shrimp go belly up and the ants dry out, you’re pretty certain you don’t have the ability to care of anything – and won’t be getting a hamster anytime soon.
Because every time I ate it, I was disappointed with myself. I knew that it was disgusting and salty, but I did it anyway. It’s their fault. They would make all these different machines where you could make ice cream cones and pizza. It all looked so colorful and delicious. Before you know it, you’re stuffing your colorful creations in your mouth and hoping it will taste better this time. It doesn’t. You are fooled once again and ashamed that you are an idiot.
8. Plastic Bags
Wait, hold up, “this plastic bag ISN’T a toy??” Whaaa? You gotta be kidding me! You mean, I can’t roll around with it and put it over my head without dying of asphyxiation ? That’s it. I’m officially worthless as a human.
How dumb and poorly made was this thing? Even people with the greatest balance could hardly do it. It was totally dangerous! They had to have gotten sued many times over. Way to have fun and show us children how non-athletic we are.
Ok, this one didn’t make me feel inadequate, just awkward. How weird is it at any age to have someone’s crotch/armpits in your face? Uh oh, I guess Carl didn’t shower today! Also, Twister is for perverts.
Ugh. I could never get the wishbone out of this damn thing without the “bzzz bzzz!” startling me. By the end of it, I was stressed out, losing hair, popping pills, and washing them down with Bourbon in the back room. And when I say, “popping pills and washing them down with Bourbon” I mean Flinstone’s Vitamins and Orange Tang. Dreams of becoming a surgeon -crushed. One “bzzz” at a time.
Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Barbie. I started collecting her when I was 5. Also, when I was 5, I wondered why I didn’t have cans like her? Along with a hot, chiseled boyfriend who I could dress and make do ANYTHING I wanted. She set the standard high. I’m still wondering why my boyfriend hasn’t bought me that pink Porsche or white Ferrari. Also, Ken is with Barbie for the right reasons. He doesn’t think with his genitalia, because, ya know, he doesn’t have any.
I’m still not good at this thing. But, give me a break. I live in New York City. Sensory overload capital. I’m too busy checking in on FourSquare and RTing on Twitter to pay attention to the flashy lights.
2. Rubik’s Cube
Who’s idea was it to put this mind-f’er in the toybox in 3rd grade? I’m 8! I can barely tie my shoelaces and tell left from right. I haven’t even attempted this thing as an adult. Though I did buy one from a homeless guy for a buck in Downtown LA and then promptly set it on fire.
1. Etch a Sketch
Aw come on! I can barely stay in the lines in my coloring book! Now you’re going to give me some complicated drawing board that requires the coordination and motor skills of an Olympic athlete? Ok, I’m being a little dramatic here, but to give this to a 5 year old? Ridiculous. I never knew which way I was going on this damn thing. If I had judged my future career path by this toy, I would’ve pinned myself a data entry assistant. Screw you Etch a Sketch!