Socks. Who’d have thought a six-to-twelve inch long tube of fabric could be so useful? Well, I did, for one. That’s why I turned to my foot-focused friends from Socks, Inc. to come up with these ten ‘less conventional’ uses for these miracles of the modern wardrobe.”
10. Package Stuffing
Sometimes you want your package to look bigger and more impressive than it actually is. Socks can help! Padding your junk with socks not only accentuates, it even helps keep your junk safe. So, next time you’re shipping a gift to your Nanna, stuff a few extra socks in there. Wait… what did you think we we’re talking about?
9. Dexterity training in case your fingers become fused together some day.
Listen, it happens. 1 out of every 3 people will be involved in a chemical accident that will fuse their fingers together into one big digit-less horror (you might check my numbers on that). If it happens to you, you can be prepared to (awkwardly) embrace your new lifestyle by practicing before hand (no pun intended). Slip a couple of socks over your hands and run through these practice drills: Picking up quarters off of flat surfaces, shaking hands and applying salve to your horrible burn scars.
8. Cheap Insulation
Building a house is no place to skimp, anyone who’s had a shelf fall on their head will agree. But you can be frugal without being foolish. And what do you have more of – socks or fiberglass insulation? So work with what you have, and next time you build a house – that’ll be soon, right? – stuff those walls with piles of socks! Flannel for colder climates, or light cotton if you’re farther south. You can figure it out – you’re already insulating a house with socks, so you’re obviously pretty clever.
Imagine it: one late night you come stumbling home from the video arcade, and who should cross your path but some thug. He’s got a mean face and a threatening fist, but what do you have? Nothing but some leftover quarters and the socks on your feet. Think that spells trouble? You bet it does – for the other guy! Take off that sock, fill it with quarters, and get swinging. Good thing you didn’t waste all those quarters chowin’ down pellets, Ms. Pac Man!
6. Coffee Filters
Ask any poor college student and he will tell you, brewing coffee through paper towels is so passé. You need your paper towels for wiping up ramen spills! Instead, stave off a shopping trip by reaching for a lonely sock, its pair long lost to the laundromat, and fill that baby up with beans. Just make sure it’s a clean sock, unless you want some funky flavors in that cup o’ Joe.
5. Cat Dickey
Is the cat dickey a fashion item or a utility? Is it a stylish accessory to distinguish your fine feline from the naked-necked unadorned hoards? Or is it a practical item of kitty clothing, keeping that furry throat full of warmth and purrs? Why can’t it be both?
4. Sandworm Toy
Perfect for any young Kwisatz Haderach in your family. Stuff a sock with more socks, tie off one end, and throw it in the sandbox with your kid. They’ll instantly be transported to a fantasy world filled with Shai-Huluds (colloquially known as ‘sand worms’), addictive spices, and Kyle MacLachlan. Don’t forget, he who controls the spice controls the universe.
Springtime’s a season of fickle weather – you leave the house one sunny morning, nothing but strappy sandals between your toes and the warm air, but by the end of the day a cold wind is blowing clouds around the sky, and your bare ankles are freezing. If only you’d brought a pair of ankle-warmers with you! Just cut the toes off a pair of socks, and slip your new ankle-warmers up toward your shins. Your toes stay free and breezy while your delicate ankles are cozy and warm.
2. Environmentally Friendly Toilet Paper
These are tough times we’re living in. Time to put your pride aside and realize that you’re flushing away hard-earned cash with each trip to the bathroom. Instead of using toilet paper, bring a sock along on your next trip to the loo, rinse after each use, and watch the savings (and staff infections) roll in.
1. Sock Puppets
So, you’ve made it this far, and you’ve still got some spare orphan socks lying around. Why not make a sock puppet? And while you’re at it, why not head over to Socks, Inc. and use your sock puppet to join the adventures of Gary, Jenny, Mr. Barnsworth and all the other socks of Socksburg.