SEAT WARS! or the Top 10 ways to be less crowded on an airplane
Alright you just got on an airplane, and you need to make sure you maxmize your space. Everyone is out for themselves… it’s a lot like Nam. Here are some good rules of thumb to make your seat a little more comfortable.
10. Use shoes as cupholders.
That’s right. Instead of stuffing half filled cups into the seat pocket try taking off a shoe and use that instead. For starters your feet probably need a little wiggle room, and you don’t need cups to take up precious knee room. Under your legs there is tons of space that goes to waste every plane trip. Make the most of it. If you have unbearable foot odor you should not try this space saver out.
9. Put coats, hats, scarves, and pretty much everything up top.
Don’t listen to the stewardess that tells you only to put up a finite amount of things in the overhead bin. You got there first, and the person next to you should have come 2 hours early as well. That’s just the way it goes in the airplane game.
8. Dress for your destination
It may be freezing and raining where you are, but if you’re going somewhere nice and warm just dress for better climates. Not only does it trick you into believing the vacation has already started, but you’re wearing less layers which means more seat for you to take it easy in.
7. Don’t keep your purse or backpack under the seat.
This is where most people really fail. They think, “Oh I can just put my feet around my purse or backpack”. Your legs get stuffed into one corner or another, and you’re pretty much done for. Just take out the absolute necessities (phone, book, laptop). This easily fits under your legs that are lazily stretched out with no shoes on. Comfort is almost completely yours. If you end up needing something else from your backpack you can always bother everyone in your row so that you can go digging around.
6. Use a significant other to store your communal junk
This takes a little bit of advance work, but it will be well worth it. When packing for a vacation put more clothes and things of theirs into your bag. BUT make sure they are carrying things you’ll be using on the flight together. Like magazines you just bought, the nintendo ds, your psp, snacks, and whatever else if for “both”. The more you place under her jurisdiction early on the better off you’ll be in the seat.
5. Drink a lot.
It makes you feel cozy and sleepy. Two things that will aid you on your journey. I am obliged to say that you should probably try to drink responsibly. No one likes a drunk so take it easy. Plus 2 in the sky is like 1 on the ground. Although Hawkes claims that is 100% relative to how good of a drinker you are.
4. Nudge the seat in front of you.
Some jerk just decided to put there seat back, and the food just came. This is a perfect time to get a little pushy. Make sure they know it is not okay that they did this. They’ll probably go for the halfsies between full laid back and upright. Don’t get greedy here or else it will backfire. Eat for just a little longer than the person in front of you. Wait for things to settle. Then BAM you go full recline, and you have 1 1/2 times the space you used to.
3. FAKE motion sickness or disease
No one likes to seat next to sick people. Especially ones that look like they are going to vomit. The worse you look at the beginning the less you have to act later on. The seeds will be planted, and you’ll almost definitely get the coveted elbow on the armrest position. HINT: Cough into your hand and make sure they see you put your disease laden hand on the armrest.
2. Spill something.
The worst has happened. None of your subtle intonations have worked, or someone bigger is unwilling to budge. Your last resort is creating a liquid barrier. Spill something inbetween you and your opponent. Make sure something gets on them. They are forced to reposition or go to the bathroom to wash off. This is your chance to reposition yourself into comfort. Be careful – This one can cause fights. HINT: Try to look apologetic instead of vindicated.
1. Incessant Babble.
Nothing has worked, and you are officially mad. Start talking about how uncomfortable you are. It is sure to get you and them even more annoyed. Toss and turn in your seat. When they put their knee into your airspace make sure you meet that knee with force. The armrest will almost certainly become a turf war. When they go for the front part of the armrest you go for it too. When they maneuver for backsies you don’t give up. They are obviously a worthy adversary, and you need to let them know this battle will not be won. Over your dead body. HINT: Scowling is an acceptable form of communication.
Good luck! Airplanes are nasty places where enemies are made, diseases are spread, and people are generally there to inconvenience one another. People are out for themselves. Stewardesses are putting on a nice face because they know the dark underbelly of what goes on in Seat Wars.