[NOTE: I DIDN’T WRITE THIS AND TAKE NO CREDIT, BUT GOT AN OK TO RE-POST CUZ IT’S GENIUS, DETAILS BELOW]
CAT POWER NOW JUST MAKIN’ SHIT UP (LIVE SHOW REVIEW)
Chan Marshall, she of the irrepressable and inimitable Cat Power, appeared onstage draped in black, because she refused to let the lighting guy shine a spotlight on her. Upon picking up her guitar, she proceeded to mumble something as she did something akin to what sounds like tuning. It was soon apparent she was singing a Chinese food takeout menu from memory. By the time she belted out “General Cho’s Chicken, seven-ninety-five,” the crowd was hushed in amazement and rapture. For an encore, she went through a list of ingredients that either make up Bisquick or possibly combine to make Altoids.
DEAD OCEANS TO RELEASE EVERY RECORD IN 2010
Austin-based label Dead Oceans announced plans to release every record that will be put out in 2010. “We have been headed in this direction for awhile, so we’re pleased to finally announce plans to be the label behind every single new recording you hear next year,” label head Phil Waldorf said, reading from a prepared statement. The label, known for such a diverse group of bands such as Bishop Allen, The Evangelicals, Bowerbirds, and John Vanderslice, revealed plans for five LPs by Robert Pollard, somewhere between three and twelve albums by Wooden Wand (with and without Vanishing Voice), as well as a solo record by every member of Polyphonic Spree and Broken Social Scene.
NEW DECEMBERISTS’ THEME RECORD: LISTENING TO A DECEMBERISTS RECORD
While The Decemberists have tackled such themes as 1825 Russian uprisings and angry rakes, the band has never gotten so intimate as they will with their next album. The upcoming record, “Looking at an Unmoving Picture” will chronicle the attempt by a music fan to listen to their entire record. “While we’ve always been proud of our songs sounding twice as long as they actually are and covering themes and topics that have nothing to do with actual people’s lives, we’ve never fully committed to the idea,” said leader Colin Meloy. “Finally, we will be able to express the challenge and frustration of trying to listen to a record of ours from start to finish. And we will set it to music.” As of time this article has gone to press, nobody could be reached to indicate how a Decemberists record ends, hence were unavailable for comment.
THE BLACK KIDS ANNOUNCE BEING “SO OVER” THE BLACK KIDS
The Black Kids, indie rock darlings of 2007, are “so over” themselves. “We liked the first song on our first EP that we self-released after recording it in our basement right after learning how to play our instruments,” said bass player Owen Holmes, “but after that, once we got actually signed, practiced and worked insanely hard to make a credible and worthwhile release, we realized that we actually now suck.” Holmes credits Pitchfork, Stereogum and the comments section of Brooklyn Vegan for bringing this fact to their attention.
BON IVER CANNOT PRONOUNCE “BON IVER”
Deep in the woods of Wisconsin, a lone bearded man pauses from his morning task of splitting wood to answer a few questions from an intrepid reporter. “Sheeooooot!” Justin Vernon exclaimed, wiping an oily rag over his sweaty forehead, “I din’t know that name would be stickin’ and all!” Vernon, who has been honored as the latest talented indie rock troubadour by thousands of blogs and comment boards, calls out to his dog, named “Dog”, to settle down as he rolls himself a cigarette. “I done write the name of the band on my arm just likes I planned on. My name was all gonna be ‘Bone Ivory’ ya know, but then I wiped my sweat and the words got all jumbled up. Now I got to say I am in a band that I don’t even know what how to say the name of!” At that point, Vernon watched Dog chase a varmint up a tree, then went back to his wood choppin’.
UPDATE: STILL NO GOSSIP ABOUT THE GOSSIP
After repeated attempts to become the belles of the TMZ ball, no celebrity reporting agency has said a word about singer Beth Ditto or her colleagues in The Gossip.
WILCO TO BE RENAMED “NPR’S FAVORITE BAND”
Having taken a name over ten years ago that means nothing, Jeff Tweedy has decided to call his group what they’ve been unofficially referred to as for years now. “NPR loves us,” Tweedy said. “Whether it’s a review on All Things Considered, a guest spot on Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me, a reference to us on This American Life, or an in-depth interview on Fresh Air, we are mentioned at least twice a day by National Public Radio.” He added this is something they could have done years ago, but were waiting to see if satellite radio would be as interested in them.
MELTDOWN REPORT 1:
WAVVES APOLOGIZES FOR “MONITORS MELTDOWN”
Nathan Williams, lead singer of the out-of-control, anarchic Wavves, is at it again. At a show last night during the Sasquatch Festival, Williams said, and these are his exact words, “Can I please get some more guitars in my monitors?” Was he high? Was he drunk? It’s hard to know for sure, but his complete disrespect for the people working the stage as well as those who paid good money to see him did not go unnoticed. This leads one to wonder where all the civility and politeness of punk rock has gone.
MELTDOWN REPORT 2:
MOUNTAIN GOATS: JOHN DARNIELLE DOES NOT TALK BETWEEN SONGS
I’m writing this only minutes after just seeing John Darnielle of The Mountain Goats walk offstage at Berbati’s Pan in Portland, and the audience is mystified. Darnielle had a complete breakdown tonight. It became clear after the band finished the first song, Going to Georgia. While everyone settled in, preparing for a ten-minute-plus monologue regarding a random topic like Scandinavian Black Metal, or the history of the use of forks as utensils, or habits of 15th Century Apache tribes, the audience was shocked when all they got was a quick countdown and the band began the next song. Darnielle stood onstage looking out at the crowd as if he had nothing more to say other than singing the arcane-to-intimate lyrics of his verbose songs. Some dude next to me immediately started booing while the repeated chant of “Ramble!” took hold when Darnielle launched straight into the next song without even making one reference to his fascination with Shaker furniture.
VIVIAN GIRLS PLAYING ANYWHERE THIS FALL
Be careful setting foot outside of your apartments this fall, because you just may step on a Vivian Girl. After a successful series of shows in basements, bodegas, haunted ballrooms, Brooklyn, bases on baseball diamonds and in baby clothing shops, the trio have decided to expand their reach and play wherever the fuck anybody will have them. An investigation of their performance rider reveals only one requirement: “Band’s stage must be on level ground that is not currently flooded nor in the midst of an earthquake.” Reached for comment, singer/guitarist Cassie Ramone said, “Wait, you mean actual clubs would be willing to book us? Motherfucker!”
VAMPIRE WEEKEND SIGN ENDORSEMENT DEAL WITH IZOD IN 1986
After a nail-biting few moments where Professor Kazzum pulled back on the large lever and sparks of blue and red light began shooting all over the basement, the band Vampire Weekend were transported back to 1986, where they arrived just in time to sign a career-long endorsement deal with clothing manufacturer, Izod. “We were sure Izod would be into our style,” singer Ezra Koenig proclaimed, “Only we hadn’t existed at the time they were really popular. That’s why we searched out Professor Kazzum.” Kazzum, who is reportedly receiving points on the deal, made a few faces in poor imitation of Christopher Lloyd, then ran away after dropping a smoke bomb on the floor.
INVESTIGATION: FREAK FOLK JUST FOLK
An ongoing two-year investigation through hundreds of documents and scores of CD-Rs has revealed that the music currently known as “freak folk” can also be classified as just “folk.” Studies of memes, rhythms, progressions and chords by groups such as Espers, Vetiver, Devendra Banhardt, Six Organs of Admittance, Born Heller and The Entrance Band indicate there’s really no difference between what they’re doing and the music of Incredible String Band, Nick Drake, Holy Modal Rounders, Pentangle and Renaissance, all of whom have always just been considered “folk music” with no further adjective necessary. In response to this news, Banhardt immediately dressed up like a rainbow trout and began leapfrogging parking meters.
TODD P’S MOUSTACHE NOW BOOKING SHOWS
At an obscure rooftop in Bushwick on Sunday, renegade show booker Todd P surrendered to his moustache, who wrestled aside Todd P’s mouth and announced plans to start booking shows. “I like Todd’s shows and all, but they strike me as a little too ‘corporate,'” claimed the thin and finely combed whiskers, perched delicately over Todd P’s upper lip. “My shows are going to be more loose and for those true fans who can find them.” The moustache immediately had to leave after commenting, as it had five shows starting up in the next hour. Todd P’s moustache’s shows, all to be listed at toddpsmoustachenyc.com, will occur at Todd P shows, but have detailed directions in order to find, often requiring interested fans to search out corners of rooms in condemned buildings, lifting dirty rugs and mattresses, and opening rusty iron basement doors while bands like Ducktails, Kurt Vile and Silk Flowers play in the vicinity. Since the announcement, rumors have begun to circulate about even more obscure shows booked by Todd P’s sweaters.
MERRIAM WEBSTER TO SUE WAVVES, MIIKE SNOW, LOVVERS, WOODEN SHJIPS, ET AL
Merriam-Webster, long considered the authority on proper spelling and grammar usage, announced a lawsuit against a number of bands who they claim in a statement released to the press, that “consciously and with malicious intent abuse the English language.” “We let it slide with The Beatles, because at least that was a pun,” said Merriam Webster lawyer, “Pretty” Bruce Hackbottom, “but Jesus, what the living fuck, right?” The Academy of American Poets is expected to file a similar lawsuit today against bands with gramatically abusive phrase names like Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, Here We Go Magic, and the most malicious offender, …And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead.
THE MUSLIMS NOW THE SOFT PACK
After courting some controversy that they have always argued misrepresents the band and their music, The Muslims have renamed themselves The Soft Pack. No further misunderstandings will occur hence.
JEFF MANGUM APOLOGIZES FOR INFLUENCING PAST DECADE OF MUSIC
A pained and confused Jeff Mangum made a straightforward and abject apology today for any influence he’s had on music created in the past decade. “Look,” he said, his eyes red and watery, “I was just playing some songs with my friends, and I had no intention of it having any lasting effect.” He went to explain that after examining today’s bands who claim him as a large reason they make music, ” I just want to tell all music fans out there that I’m extremely sorry and deeply regret having ever recorded anything.” After that statement, Mangum turned around and was instantly handed fifteen CD-Rs by loyal fans.
[ACTUALLY THIS WAS WRITTEN BY THE HIGHLY BRILLIANT BEN GOLDBERG WHO INEXPLICABLY DOES NOT HAVE HIS OWN BLOG, AND EMAILED IT TO SOME FRIENDS AND GAVE PERMISSION TO “SPREAD IT VIRALLY,” SO UNTIL HE DOES THIS’LL HAVE TO DO, HERE YA GO, BEN]