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Just Calm the F*** Down, Michael Bay.

So I saw Star Trek this past weekend (legit and awesome). But before I was able to enjoy that impressively well-executed piece of cinema, I was subjected to two incredibly annoying trailers.

The first one was for G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra.

Okay. How we get from this:

To this:

… is just baffling. And yeah, it really shouldn’t surprise, I know. We’re coming up on blockbuster season, which means big, loud, fast and hammy… but that doesn’t even look like a G.I. Joe movie. And that’s kinda pointless. I don’t really get it. Dumb.

And then… SIGH.

the rest of my tirade after the jump.

See, I’m already exhausted trying to summon the words to explain how totally excessive this movie looks.

Michael Bay… you need to chill the fuck out. Seriously… take a vacation… or maybe a valium or two. Do something! BECAUSE YOUR MOVIE LOOKS LIKE CGI VOMIT. I’m all for fun and exciting popcorn entertainment (figuratively speaking. I don’t actually eat during the movie). And yeah, your shit makes money. YOU’RE THE MONEY KING. Whatever. I’m over it. I’m over the utterly distracting morphy computer-graphic shards of metal that fly in and out of frame every five goddamn seconds. I’m over the auditory assault that is YOU needing to blow shit up in every shot. And I’m really over girls posed seductively (read: whorishly) on motorcycles. Just stop. It’s annoying. And boring. And bad.

And yeah, you sort of know all this and just don’t give a shit, which is fine. You did make a pretty hilarious Verizon commercial about it (though that hardly balances the scales). The truth is, I don’t hate all your movies. A lot of them… but not all. I just think you’re kinda pushing it… even for you. So ease up a little… go have a milkshake, plant a tree or something. Cause you’re giving me a fucking headache.

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