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Top Ten Movies I haven’t seen of 2008

2009 stands before us as a beacon of movie-going hope! The future will be so grand! There are so many movies that I probably won’t see in theaters! “He’s just not that into you,” “Star Trek,” the list is endless, and I look forward to judging books by their covers for you guys in the months to come!

After the jump are my top 10 worst movies that I did not see in 2008! You know why I didn’t see these movies? Because they were bad from trailer to credits and I knew it, I can sense these things! In these tough economic times I could even re-name this “The best $110 I’ve ever saved.” Enjoy! And good luck at the movies! Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

#10 – Revolutionary Road – Remember the part in “the Cutting Edge” where the girl’s dad shows the hockey guy the empty case that’s just waiting for a gold medal and you see that the girl is under insane pressure and you feel bad for her? Do you think that Kate Winslet and Leo Di have parents like that? I wouldn’t be surprised if you go to Mr. Winslet’s home in England and he says “this is the gold case that’s perfect height for an oscar… cough cough… if only SOMEONE in this family would win one!” Also, thanks for reminding us that regular people’s lives kind of suck while you’re drinking out of diamond goblets, Hollywood.

#9 – Leatherheads – I hate when people feel sorry for actors who are typecast into insanely awesome sitcom roles. I do not feel bad for Lucy, or Urkel, or Screech… or, Jim from the office. George Clooney’s movie about those singers in the old south was good, “Michael Clayton” was better, stay in this century GC, it’s better that way.

#8 – Seven Pounds – The fact that this movie is billed as having a surprise ending is so lame that the lameness makes people who talk about the ending being a surprise even lamer (damn it!). I found a blog that published the ending and you know what? IT IS LITERALLY THE DUMBEST NON SURPRISE DUMB THING EVER EVER EVER. “Fresh Prince – the movie – in my 40s and still wearing colorful clothes and living in cali” would be a better investment.

#7 – Valkyrie – The other day there were people chanting “Scientology! Nazism! What is the difference?” outside a building that Tom Cruise was in (and it was actually quite catchy). Now, I’m not expert but I think I know the key difference – ALIENS. Sure, the Nazi’s thought they were the best race, but 99% sure the counted “earth” in the spectrum of “homeland.” I really liked Tom Cruise and I really want to continue to like him, but seriously, when a movie is delayed almost a year, it’s probably really shitty. Plus, the eye patch seems a little much.

#6 – 27 Dresses – I know that apartments in Romantic Comedies are bigger than actual apartments that anyone could afford, but there is no way that one has an extra closet to fit 27 ball gowns in. 27 times being a bridesmaid is close to a $30,000 investment that I think someone who (presumably) works at a magazine might get as a base salary. Most importantly Katherine Heigl doesn’t seem very nice in person, and I can’t stop thinking that Patrick Dempsey is in this because it’s blurring with “Made of Honor.”

#5 – The Happening – What exactly is Zooey Deschanel doing? She’s hilarious and adorable! Why is she getting all these weird supporting roles? “Failure to Launch,” “Yes Man!” Come on! Is she jealous of her sister’s sexual tension with David Boreanez? You can’t get that with Marky Mark lady! If I had 500 million dollars I would give it to M. Night Shyamalan to make the most predictable movie of all time. I think once the pressure was off of him he’d feel a lot better.

#4 – Vicky Christina Barcelona – I am unable to forget three things – 1. Woody Allen is old, 2. Woody Allen is weirdly in love with Scarlet Johansen, 3. Woody Allen married his step-daughter. These are clouding my judgment. I also heard that there is no actual three-some in this movie, you can get those on the internet, for free, fyi.

#3 – The Women – Every time I see a trailer for this movie I get confused that Jada Pinkett was invited to be a part of it. Everyone else has had years of plastic surgery, and look all old and California and Jada’s just sitting there like someone invited her because they called her by accident when they called her because they had two “Alexs” in their phone and called the wrong one. I didn’t even see this the first time it came out in 1939 (which a much better cast, btw) I saw it the second time when it was called “The First Wives Club.”

#2 – Four Christmases – I think Reese Witherspoon’s mom must get a joy out of anonymously mailing pictures of Reese’s oscar taped onto “Four Christmases” magazine ads to Kate Winslet. I bet they say things like “Good luck this year, Corset Kate!” and “Too bad you’ll never win one of these, if you did you would be able to give up all shame and make shitty movies and coast through life!”

#1 – One missed call – Full disclosure: I hate Shannon Sossaman more than any other actor on the planet. Thanks for ruining “A Knights Tale” with your stupid hair and face Shannon! Someone gave me “40 Days and 40 Nights” and I gave it BACK because it was too bad to even have in my dvd collection, the other dvds were grossed out and ashamed. I would never see a crappy horror movie in the first place, they’re not for me. But having SS in it makes it possibly the worst movie of all time, not just of 2008. Go here:

Honorable Mentions:


“The Love Guru”

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