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Movie reviews of movies I haven’t seen: Twilight

Oh the old “movie out of a book” thing! As far as I can divulge from internet gossip and TV trailers “Twilight” is “Buffy” if you were born in the early 1990s. Complete with blue undertones and hair that’s way longer than any you have ever seen on an actual teenager. I’m already exhausted seeing people read the 1000+ page books on the subway, the cover of which is an apple and a hand, or a ribbon… I guess an homage to Snow White? Don’t remember any vampires there, just dusty dwarves. This is totally a re-hashing of the “Harry Potter” thing where kids who were never reading before are now immersed in novels bigger than their heads, which is fine, I’m all for reading. Although, as always, I am content to skip the time consuming part read and the wikipedia entry. I’ll summarize for you, and save you the time:

Blah blah blah
“Although she was inexplicably attracted to him even when she thought Edward [the vamp, obvs] drank human blood, she is much relieved to learn that the Cullens choose to abstain from drinking human blood, and drink animal blood instead.” [pfew!]
Blah blah blah Insert *action* insert *vampire chases*
“Upon returning to Forks, Bella and Edward attend their prom…”
The end!

Reviews and conclusions! After the jump.

So ok, probably pretty cheesy, I’m pretty sure that it doesn’t take a mensa candidate to make sense of the plot. Apparently this is a huge international phenomenon, something has to be making this popular, and its probably dudes. I understand pre-teen vampire crushes, I was 12 when “Interview with a Vampire” came out after all, I watched “Angel.” So “ Edward is described by Bella as being impossibly beautiful. At various points in the series, she compares him to the mythical Greek god Adonis.” Therefore a reasonable person would conclude that at the very least the movie version of the book would include some sort of grouping of kind of good looking people…

um what? Click here and make your own decisions, but ultimately, you’ll agree with me.

With only having seen the previews, read the wiki summary, and mildly followed internet gossip of the craze, I give this film an official 1 star, out of 4, based solely on the fact that the main characters don’t look nothin’ like Greek Gods!

How is this a movie and not a show on the CW?

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