I would like to share something very special with you. A few years ago my girlfriend found a book at the library where she works and thought it looked like something I would enjoy. The book was one of those novelty phrase books meant to teach a person the intricacies of swearing in another language, in this case to teach Polish people how to use every variation and expression of the word “fuck” offered by the English language – except that this particular book’s idea of what English expressions are is completely batshit insane. Under “T” we find the apparently popular American phrase “the board the monkey fucked the duck on.” The who the what fucked the where?? Not to worry! Like any good phrasebook, the Fucktionary offers clear, helpful examples to provide the reader with the appropriate context for such an expression: “The War Office Selection Board turned him down. The board the monkey fucked the duck on! (Wojenna Rada Naboru Oficerow odrzucita jego podanie. Radasrada!); Have you read the message on the notice-board? The board the monkey fucked the duck on? (Czytates wiadomosc na tablicy ogloszen? Tablicy-srycy?)
My friends, this book, which I have been unable to locate outside of this one library, is a treasure. A “needle-dicked bug-fucking” treasure that should be available for the entire world to enjoy. To this noble end, I will be regularly posting some of my favorite entries from The Fucktionary here on Popten for everyone to marvel at, and yes, learn from. Just because these expressions don’t actually exist in English doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t.
FUCK ME, SAID THE DUCHESS
fuck me, said the duchess, more in hope than in anger
sent Br dowcipny komentar bedacy reakcja na skrywana przez kobiety chuc i pozadanie <odpowiedni czy nie, kazda chuja/tego chce>: They said goodbye to each other. Five minutes later she knocked at his door. Fuck me said the duchess, more in hope than in anger, he thought to himself (Poweidzieli sobie do widzenia. Piec minut pozniej zapukata do jego drzwi. Niech mnie chuj, rzekla hrabina, bardziej z nadzieja niz w gniewie – pomyslat.)
n Am rzadk mloda, atrakcyjna dziewcyna, zalaszcza jako partnerka do seksu <dupka, cipka, LISTA 14>: This fuckerella makes me sick (Nie dzwigam tej pipencji); What’s the name of that fuckerella who had your nose wide open? (jak sie nazywata ta mala dupencja, ktora cie tak podjarata?); I hear he shacks up with some fuckerella. Creepy old idiot! (Styszatem, ze zadaje sie z jakas nieletniq dupq. Stary oblesny idiota!) p FUCKERINO, HONEY-FUCK