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10 Most Useful Household Items for Stopping Terrorist Attack.

Okay you are on vacation in a friend’s house on a secluded stretch of strategically important coastline. All of sudden you see a boat load of terrorists land in a small motor boat. You try to call the department of home land security, but the terrorist jerks are jamming all celly signals. When you hang up the phone you look up to see a particularly creepy terrorist staring you down from 200 feet. He alerts his friends, and they all start moving towards the house you are in. What household items would you grab to defend yourself and your country? Here are my top 10.

10. Duct Tape : Always useful, but requires close range contact, which is a huge risk. However this will be vital if you knock out one of the terrorists and want to secure him before the feds ship him off to the torturers.

9. Paper Clips: Paper clips can be formed into darts, traps, electrical wires, and countless other nifty things for fighting off the enemy.

8. Bleach: Great for making those nappy headed terrorists into blonds. But seriously load up a squirt gun or bottle with this stuff and who needs mace.

7. Rubber Bands. You can shoot rubber bands at them, but lets face it they will just laugh at you. However rubber bands are great for traps and jerry rigging. Most importantly you can use rubber bands to propel all sort of other stuff. In my youth I made countless sling shots, cross bows, and simple finger launchers with these things.

6. Kitchen Knives: Notice I said knives not knife. Pick up a couple of these bad boys, cause not much is scarier that seeing a ginsu flying through the air towards you. These are also great for close in fighting.

5. BBQ lighter fluid: In the timeless words of General Choas, “Umm BBQ.” Great for diversions. Do they have the guts to jump through a ring of fire? If you are really sneaky you can douse an area and ignite it when the terrorists enter a kill zone.

4. Lighter: Obviously a lighter makes fire. Fire is a great weapon. Also very useful for lighting a celebratory cigarette after taking down the enemy.

3. Ammonia: You thought bleach was useful. Now meet its evil twin. Not only does this stuff smell awful, it burns way worse than bleach. To make a nasty trap combine the ammonia and the bleach in the house and get out of there. The two will react to make chlorine gas, which was used in WW1 as chemical warfare. When the terrorists come in the house looking for you they will be knocked unconscious and killed.

2. Car Keys: Get in the car and drive away. They arrived in a boat, and you are not at all equipped to deal with this situation. Then tell someone who gives a shit. Be thankful you live in car culture and not a boat culture.

1. Guns: Dre says, “How you gonna talk about guns like I ain’t got one. What do you think I sold them all?” This is America bitches. 49% of households got one. Just hope you are in 1 in 2 houses that does. If you are, come out guns a blazing and lay the groundwork for your presidential bid. Now that is the American way.

I hope you all feel safer knowing you can now kick terrorist ass. Luckily Bush brought the war to them a long time ago, so we are generally fighting over there instead of at your friend’s beach house. What other items might be useful?

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