“Don’t try to be like Jackie. There is only one Jackie…. Study computers instead.” – Jackie Chan

Today, 56 years ago, Jackie Chan decided to grace the world with his presence.  I’d like to think that it went like this: the heavens opened up. Baby Jackie leapt, earthbound, onto the awning of a high-rise.  Consequently, the awning splits forcing him to use his baby hands to grab a nearby rope and swing himself to safety.  Landing on the back of an unsuspecting bad guy and knocking him unconscious.  Finally, he landed into his mother’s arms, cooing and ready to begin his life.

That being said, I’m sure you could guess that I’m a pretty big fan of Jackie. The video above is my favorite tribute to Jackie Chan, courtesy of the other credits to our humanity, Tim and Eric. But instead of bombarding you with his Chan-ness’s extensive career, I’m going to cliff’s notes it for you.

Jackie Chan fun facts:

• He has appeared in over 100 films
• He has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame
• He is also a pop singer and has released several albums.  (QUICK someone buy me one!
• Obviously we know he does his own stunts (which is why he is awesome).
• He holds the Guinness World Record for “Most Stunts By A Living Actor”
• His fan club once topped 10,000 members, mostly young girls; one of them committed suicide after she discovered that he was married. Another female fan attempted suicide, but was saved.
• He has dislocated his pelvis and broken his skull (there’s a permanent hole), fingers, toes, nose, right and left cheekbones, hips, sternum, neck, ankle, and ribs.
• He’s extremely charitable!!!
• OMG he has a son. Someone hook a sistah up.

PS, It’s my dad’s bday too…I’d be an awful daughter if I didn’t throw that in and say “Happy Birthday DBruce!”

1. LOCATION Las Vegas

Disgusting, overly opulent, excessive and quite possibly the best damn two and half days in recent memory.  Whether wondering from overdone hotel to insanely themed hotel, beverage always in hand, sunning ourselves at the pool, losing money on penny slots and video roulette (one experience at an actual table was too horrifying to continue down that path) or eating at the overpriced but amazing restaurants, this place is pure ridiculousness and thus pure fun.  I can’t imagine spending more than a couple days without going insane, but it was such an overwhelming feast for the senses and a social experiment unlike any other that I’d happily return…after I’ve recovered… A

2. ALBUM Have One On Me Joanna Newsom

I honestly don’t know how to write about this epic, three disc set of indie songs with a harp as the main instrument from one of the most interesting current recording artists.  Her sound is totally unique with flecks of Bjork thrown in but remains accessible, more so in this grouping than ever before.  The songs are long (although relatively short compared to her previous release Ys), meandering with melodies that morph and undulate and lyrics that are beyond erudite.  I simply must leave it at you have to listen, and listen and listen one more time before you can even comprehend how intimate and yet expansive this creation truly is… A

3. BOOK The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks

After so many glowing reviews, I had to find out for myself that this book completely lives up to the hype.  Bouncing back and forth in time, an amazing story of one woman’s unknown contribution to science inspires and horrifies all while illuminating a spectacular debate about what constitutes property, who has rights over human cells and forces the question why can’t we all just get along in the name of science and curing deadly disease.  Of course, where there’s money to be made in legal battles and patents, progress seems to be the ultimate loser and in turn terminally ill humanity.  But all this in turn makes you wonder about the author and her intent, forging a caring relationship with the descendents of Henrietta and now reaping benefit from the book’s popularity… A

4. SHOW Ka

Unlike many Cirque shows, this has a distinct and slightly complex narrative as a backbone rather than the slight cohesive spectacle of so many others.  All that’s not to say this isn’t a spectacle because it’s a constant feast for the eyes.  The hydraulic platform at the center is so malleable that it seamlessly transitions from a sandy beach to a mountain face to a glacier.  As usual, the music is transporting, boosted by speakers in each individual seat.  The show was a bit slow to start, but by the time the stage has become a massive jungle with oversized bugs crawling along bamboo shoots, I was totally sold.  A truly magnificent entry in a long line of solid work from Cirque… B+

5. ALBUM Sweet Heart Rodeo Dawn Landes

Excellent tune crafting is what this artist is all about, be it on upbeat hook-laden tunes or bouncy romantic riffs that float easily out of the speakers.  Just listen to “Romeo” with its swinging beat and sweet vocal, playfully tuneful but not so airy as to pass you by.  Even on odd fare like “Clown” with a backing track that sounds like it came from my Casio Keyboard, Landes is sublime, making a little ditty into something of an addictive spectacle.  “Wandering Eye” is my favorite track with a guitar and harmonica heavy orchestration turning this shuffle into perfection.  Another excellent set of tunes from Landes… A-

6. FOOD Malo Cantina Suavecita in LA

Start with the soft tortilla chips and salsa and you might not even make it to your main course, they’re just that addictive.  If you do have the stomach to last, sample some of the excellent tacos, there’s even a burger taco of ground beef, pickle and a sprinkling of cheese.  The enchiladas smothered in salsa verde will delight.  But my pick has to be the floutas, basically because they have all the excellent ingredients of tacos and enchiladas but they’re also fried, and everything is better when it’s fried.  Add a salted rim margarita to the meal and you’re set for an excellent evening of dining… B

7. ALBUM Divide & Conquer Vandaveer

This band fantastically combines male and female vocals like the excellent work of Robert Plant & Alison Krauss, Dean & Britta and She & Him.  The sexy suave cool of “Fistful of Swoon” will seep into your soul like a Tom Waits classic.  On more rocking tunes like “A Mighty Leviathan of Old,” Mark Charles Heidinger sounds amazing, like a male Brandi Carlile (yes, that’s a huge compliment from me).  My favorite has to be the groove of “Turpentine,” slowly building into a towering sound of mournful splendor.  Pay attention to this band, you will be hearing from them… A

8. ALBUM Odd Blood Yeasayer

This is an awesome album of noise. Hits and bings slowly turn into the awesome and accessible “Ambling Alp.”  “Madder Red” has a bit of the sound that Vampire Weekend has capitalized on, only here it’s done a little less cloying with a greater focus on musicality.  My favorite, “I Remember,” sounds like something that ELO left behind and Yeasayer recorded a new vocal track over.  And with elements of Animal Collective, “Rome” plays splendidly.  It’s an odd batch of songs but such an excellent album, and one that requires listening from beginning to end as a complete album… B+

9. BUILDING Frank Gehry’s Walt Disney Concert Hall

I’ve never written about a building for this column, but after spending a good thirty minutes touring the structure with a group of aspiring architects, I feel compelled to commend what is both amazing and in other ways a failure.  The undulating structure is both romantic in its curves but harsh in its execution.  Every corner you turn seems to offer a new and beautiful perspective on the leaves and sections of the building.  But on closer inspection, and this might be a bit due to the group I was with, the actual construction seemed unfinished.  Edges aren’t quite sealed, water stains plague the metal at various parts, sometimes causing interesting patterns, other times causing the interruption of the overall aesthetic.  It’s a fascinating piece, one that I hope to return to and actually step inside for a concert, but I’m hoping by then the carpet will have been changed (seriously, the ugliest carpet I’ve ever seen on a structure of this nature)… B

10. MOVIE The Addams Family (1991)

After being traumatized by the pre-Broadway run of the musical version of this haunted family, I needed to return to happier memories of the brood in this excellent Barry Sonnenfeld helmed film version of the comics.  Anjelica Huston embodies Morticia so fantastically, all floating grace and that film noir lighting hitting just her eyes in every shot.  And nothing compares to the dearly departed Raul Julia making Gomez both ridiculous and enthralling in the same breath.  The dark twisted humor actually generates laughs here as opposed to that heap of crap that graced the stage in Chicago.  I can only hope that the massive amounts of money that have been funneled into rewrites bring it closer to the humor and intelligence of this film… A-

I do not “do” the Twitter. I don’t lead, or follow, or Twit, or Twat in 140 characters or less. In fact, I generally think of the service as nothing more than yet ANOTHER venue (first came “pop culture” blogging) for jobless vainglorious idiots to express their pathetic existences (with some notable exceptions).

Today, I realized what it’s all about.

10. “The worst thing you can be is a liar….Okay fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but THEN, number two is liar. Nazi 1, Liar 2″

9. “Mom is smarter than you…No? Well, ask yourself this; has mom ever unknowingly had toilet paper hanging out of her ass?…Mom 1. You 0″

8. “The dog is not bored, it’s a fucking dog. It’s not like he’s waiting for me to give him a fucking rubix cube. He’s a god damned dog.”

7. “I just did an hour on the gym machine. I’m sweaty and I have to shit. Where’s my fannypack, this workout is over.”

6. “It’s never the right time to have kids, but it’s always the right time for screwing. God’s not a dumbshit. He knows how it works.”

5. “You sure do like to tailgate people… Right, because it’s real important you show up to the nothing you have to do on time.”

4. “You’re like a tornado of bullshit right now. We’ll talk again after your bullshit dies out over someone else’s house.”

3. “Oh please, you practically invented lazy. People should have to call you and ask for the rights to lazy before they use it.”

2. “Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don’t realize until later that it’s because it fucked you.”

1. “Does anyone your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking.”

Some news from France, where a new way to become famous is taking shape.

New pop sensation Grégoire (and yes, perhaps sharing his name first drew me to this story) used an unusual way to become a singer. As an unknown 28-year-old with no musical career, he could not get any record producers’ attention. Financing an album himself was way beyond his financial means. So, he went through a newly formed website where the French public could offer financing for a new singer to produce a record. One by one, everyone sending however many (or few) euros they could afford, or perhaps however much they believed in his potential.

The idea worked. His finished songs were put out as (legal) downloads instead of CD’s, which led him to raise more money. The result… he was last summer’s big radio hit, and is now touring the country to sing live to his adoring fans. His face is plastered all over French cities and towns, announcing his upcoming performances. And he is on a first name basis with everyone, like Cher and Madonna before him.

He is being touted as the first French celebrity to be entirely produced and financed by the general public. And certainly not as the last. The French music industry is abuzz with this new way for talented hopefuls to fulfill their dreams of stardom.

It sounds promising, though I wonder how long it will be until this, too, becomes a highly commercialized and competitive avenue. Still, it opens up the web’s potential to exploit one’s talents.

As an amusing anecdote: when he made his first music video, he picked 60 of his sponsors (out of thousands) and invited them all to co-star in the video. I think the final product works well with the catchy tune. Enjoy.

How much does James Cameron ride George Lucas’ dick? Only enough to base an entire movie, Avatar, on the final battle sequence from the last good film in the Star Wars franchise, Return of the Jedi. Each film has its ragtag band of native creatures, each film pits basic bush weaponry against mechanized slaughter machines, each film has exploding trees. But here’s the real question: who kicked more ass, the Na’vi or the Ewoks?

SPOILER ALERT: This post may include revealing details of Star Wars: Episode IV – Return of the Jedi (1983). And if you haven’t seen Avatar (2009), I’d love to know your mortgage obligations on that cave in Antarctica.

The Conceit

When it comes to depictions of comfortingly anthropomorphic nature-loving creatures on a moon, we should know by now that Hollywood takes a purely American standpoint to race relations. Despite each film being set in either the distant future or a long time ago, the locals have some kind of spiritual awareness and one-ness with nature that we’ve just stone-cold raped and abandoned here on Earth because of our couch-potato, SUV-driving, gadget-addicted ways (though The Force is universal). That all represents a regression, you see, and petting the plants and animals in a loincloth is real, true living (I’m looking at you, Brauer).

In order to overcome the evil, evil baddies with their military industrial complexes and small genitalia syndromes, the locals need the leadership of a violently-inclined, handsome White Man. This is a given. But within that not-so-democratic militant insurgency, how do each of the alien races match up? Let’s do a comparison:

Physical capabilities: The Na’vi are ten feet tall, admirably lithe, have impressive athletic abilities, can breathe the local atmosphere, eat dinosaurs and possess carbon fiber bones. Their arm length also gives them a better range when using the bow and arrow. They also speak English (BIG advantage in the 22nd century). The Ewoks have a tough matted fur and may be herbivores. Opening point goes to the Na’vi.

15-love: Na’vi

Physical attractiveness to the White Man who will lead them: Herein lies the quintessential question of attractiveness – sexy or cute? The Na’vi have tight, athletic bodies, they wear skimpy clothes, they look like cats and they have anime eyes (not brown). So they’re hot, in a light-skinned blue people sort of way (read: not black), or at least hot enough for Jakesully to bone the princess. (Personally, I think he should have played the field a bit longer, you know, seen what’s on offer. After all, we are never introduced visually to a viable female competitor to Neytiri and the grass could be greener, er, blue-r on the other side.) On the other hand, despite their beady little eyes, the Ewoks are cute, cuddly and instantly lovable – 30 million Ewok lunchboxes sold and counting can’t be wrong – but they also have strength and courage in wartime. They’re like Teddy Ruxpin after hitting the gym hard for 6 months and doing a tour in Anbar province, and they convince the lady the White Man wants to bone (Princess Leia) that they are worthy. And The White Man knows that keeping the princess happy keeps The White Man happy. However, at the end of the day, cute can only very rarely be sexy, while sexy can easily be turned cute (hence the anime eyes). The Na’vi have it.

30-love: Na’vi

Extra Sensory Perception: When Leia first gains the trust of the Ewok by feeding him stale oyster crackers, he senses the hidden Stormtrooper snipers and ducks before they can fire. The entire Na’vi population, on the other hand, despite being able to fiber-optically interface with the whole goddamn planet, can’t detect an entire fucking armada of obnoxious flying machines until they come around the mountain into plain sight. The bugs in Aliens and Starship Troopers showed a bit more mental pluck than the Eiffel 65 rejects. Honk if you smell Ewok comeback!

30-15: Na’vi

Battle tactics: Why, oh why, must the underdog force always charge headfirst at the waiting enemy, thus suffering massive unnecessary casualties? Because it’s somehow more “honorable”? These are wars of attrition, folks, you win the way you can. I ask you: who won in the end: The Wolverines of Red Dawn (aka Al-Qaeda in America) or Tom Cruise and co. in The Last Samurai? Here, again, the Ewoks (unlike the rebel fleet flying above them) display much more tactical ingenuity, turning a hostage situation to their advantage, staging ambushes and hit-and-run style attacks, and using the enemy’s superior weapons against them by grabbing the lasers of fallen stormtroopers and commandeering speeders and AT-STs. The Na’vi run straight at the guns on their horses, or fly right into a mass of blasting helis, and subsequently get their asses kicked before being rescued by a bunch of sleep-deprived bird-dragons. If I shed a tear for each of the unnecessary Na’vi deaths, it would’ve filled the theater. The Ewoks tie it up!

30-30: Na’vi/Ewoks

Technological ability: In terms of living facilities, the Ewoks’ decentralized network of tree houses is the more sophisticated solution for forest dwellers. They are far easier to defend, move among, repair, relocate and reassemble than the ginormous Na’vi Hometree, as epic as that tree may have been. In their battle against Stormtroopers, armored AT-ST Walkers and speeders, all bearing lasers and precision guidance systems, the Ewoks showed a remarkable ability to create log-rolls, trip wires, somehow hung gigantic trees in the air (a marvelous feat of engineering for 3-foot tall furry circus rejects), fashioned flying devices for rock dropping and so on, all on very short notice. The Na’vi couldn’t think of any of that, despite that famed collective intelligence, and really didn’t use any of the natural environment around them to their advantage. Perhaps there’s some message in there about them not needing to fight or make weapons or something on their peaceful Pandorra, but then what’s with the tribal competitiveness? So much for that one-ness. The midget bears take this one.

40-30: Ewoks

Persuasive abilities regarding dangerous creatures: In most arenas, the big unknown is whether the lion/tiger/bear mauls you or your enemy first. While no vicious creatures seem to live on Endor, the other gnarly orthodontist’s nightmare of Jedi, the Rancor, played for their team, not ours. To extrapolate, the Ewoks may have kept small lizards as pets, but otherwise the wild animals decided to get the hell out of dodge when the shit when down. On Pandorra, however, the Na’vi can link their braid to many fearsome beasts such as the flying bird-dragon, the six-legged horse, the giant puma/doberman and the even bigger bird-dragon. In light of their apparent disregard for either technical cleverness or tactical creativity, this is their biggest advantage yet. Yee-haw, ride ‘em Na’vi!

Deuce

Openness to monotheism or religious conversion to such: Sorry, but in Hollywood not only does the White Man need your people to be bone-able and willing to be led to the slaughter, but he also needs to know you believe in One White Old Man Flying In The Sky in order to trust your pinko tree-hugging asses. The Na’vi believe in some real hippie shit, some kind of pantheistic earth mother organic crunchy one-ness that sounds great in Williamsburg or Silverlake, but look, is it going to defeat Islamic extremists or Chinese gunships? I mean, the Na’vi even say that Mother Nature will only maintain the balance of life – whether that includes us or not is just not written down in a book that we must obey. They don’t even write at all for Christ’s sake! The Ewoks bow down to a Golden droid (the White Man’s most magnificent creation, an image of himself, only more perfect) floating above them yammering like a crackhead – in a very White Old Man voice. I think we know who’s with us and who’s against us. Most impressive, young Ewoks.

Advantage: Ewoks

Ability to “Finish the Job”: When Big Bird-Dragon Rider Jakesully and the Na’vi defeat the ugly American army types and their corporate boss on Pandorra, they send them packing back to… the orbital death platform to stage a massive counterstrike/nuke-the-whole-site-from-orbit-it’s-the-only-way-to-be-sure? At that point in the film, I wasn’t exactly convinced things were “over”, though I had to pee so badly I literally sprinted out of the theater before the credits even began to roll, so “so long folks” was good enough. In retrospect, leaving it open-ended foreshadows the possibility of a sequel. But c’mon, if the whole message of Avatar is this condemnation of corporate exploitation of natural environments/peoples, yet this the most corporate, big budget consumer blockbuster success ever conceived, hasn’t an equally wasteful sequel already been shot? Mixed messages anyone? In Jedi, however, the Ewoks git ‘er done, as they say, taking out the shield generator, thus allowing the Rebel Alliance to blow up the Death Star and save not just the forest, but the entire fucking galaxy. It’s all a matter of scale, and in this case the little furries go B-I-G. Ewoks: Mission Accomplished.

Point, set, match: Ewoks

Watch the popten exclusive real video story of Santa Claus.  To keep with the times and provide the nicest toys, Santa was forced earn money by promoting everything from Coke-Cola to M&M’s.  His unlimited supply of soda and sweets made him fatter and fatter.  When his doctor told him he has type two diabetes, Santa couldn’t stop with the sweets.  Santa was a danger to himself.  Will Christmas be saved?  Watch this popten original video to find out what you can do to help. Merry Christmas from Popten!

It seems like a strange marriage at first: Bill Simmons, a fratty sports obsessed ESPN Columnist chatting with Malcolm Gladwell, the bestselling uber-geek economist/smart guy. But it turns out that Gladwell is a huge sports fan and Simmons actually has a pretty speedy brain in there. Worth a read… part I, part II.

Liked this one from Gladwell:

Thanks for bringing up Tiger. First thought: Elin has nothing on Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes. Remember? When she suspected Andre Rison was up to no good, she took a fairway wood to five of his luxury cars and then burned down his house. This remains the gold standard against which all spurned women must be measured.

We’re at the tail end of the historic decade that once and for all democratized porn.  The XXX theaters in the seventies  gave way to the eighties’ VHS tapes, which in turn were made obsolete by DVDs, and then were all blown out of the water by the WWW.  And while our online porn hunting began long before the millennium rolled around, this was the decade where everyone’s wank habits went online, and the internet truly became synonymous with the P word.  (No, the other P word.)

But just as you wouldn’t confuse a seventies porn star for an adult entertainer in the nineties, this decade’s crop of erotic queens aren’t your mom’s porn stars.  (Wait, what?)  The millennium did away with the one-size-fits-all philosophy behind blonde bombshells with killer landing strips.  The internet surfaced what men apparently really wanted: the girl next door, your teacher and your best friend’s mom.  Age became nothing but a number as MILFs and cougars dominated the online porn industry with their experienced roars.  And supermodels were routinely outdone by girls who looked more like your buddy’s little sister.  So goes the fantasy, I suppose.

Well, without further adieu, here are the top ten titillating ladies who commanded the male gaze since the clock hit 2000.  I’ll get out of the way and not let some pesky words get in the way of your eyes.  For further- ahem- research into any starlets, I strongly recommend FreeOnes.com- I can thank a fellow Popten writer for that tip.

10. Daphne Rosen

9. Ava Devine

8. Taylor Rain

7. Ivana Fukalot

6. Dani Woodward

5. Kinzie Kenner

4. Julia Ann

3. Mason Storm

2. Bridget Monroe aka Hunter Scott

1. Wifey

This December we’re rounding up all of our Popten bloggers, and inviting anyone who has an opinion, and churning out Popten’s Top Ten of the Decade.  From obvious lists like Top Ten Albums, to the much less obvious, we’re quantifying everything that was worth experiencing in the last ten years.

As we put the finishing touches on our lists, which we’ll be hitting you with from now until the ball drops, we want to formally invite all of you OCD wordsmiths to jump in and start quantifying alongside us.  Contact us at info [at] popten.net — or tweet us up @popten – if your list is good, we’ll publish it right here.  (And while we’re not quite BoingBoing, we get a healthy 20K uniques monthly, so you’ll get read.)

And while we wait for December, here are some great lists from The Onion’s A.V. Club.  They won me over when they brilliantly, and correctly, articulated exactly why GTA Vice City is the best of all GTA games (and my all-time favorite game).  Sadly, it’s eight places too high on the list…

The Grand Theft Auto series is known for masking clever satires of American culture with gleeful violence, and Vice City, a parody of 1980s Miami, makes the ideal setting for the decadence the series simultaneously idealizes and lampoons. Mafioso in Hawaiian shirts, polyester-clad cocaine lords, and petty moguls form the cast of caricatures the series does so well, populating a world where the excesses of its crime-spree gameplay feel appropriate. GTA’s intelligence is often lost in the hullabaloo over its violence, but Vice City simply asks players to be as absurd as the characters around them, creating a plausible, neon-soaked fiction that’s as funny as it is canny. Rockstar burdened San Andreas with too many disparate activities and rendered GTA IV with inappropriate gravitas, making Vice City the best whole-package showcase of the series’ brilliance.

The number of men in the United States who will die in 2008 as a result any number of things…

One of my guiltiest pleasures this year (besides armed robbery) has been the electro-schmaltz hit “Evacuate the Dancefloor” by euro deities Cascada (both the name of the band and sometimes of the lead singer- bizarre).  I can’t help myself- something about this song is so balls-out intense, I can’t turn it off when it comes on the radio.  And it comes on the radio approximately every five seconds.

I might have been listening to it for the five thousandth time this morning on the way to work, and it hit me.  Cascada is without a doubt X-men’s very own Alison Blaire, a.k.a. Dazzler.  And “Evacuate the Dancefloor” is nothing less than her coming out song.  I think muties are finally going public.

For those of you who had normal childhoods and didn’t have to hide away in comic books, a quick recap.  Dazzler is a mutant whose latent power turns sounds into lights and energy bolts.  The more sound in the air, the more power she stores up- until she explodes it in some evil villain’s face.  By day she’s a pop singer, by night an X-men.

Sure, Cascada looks a lot like Alison Blaire, and they both share the same profession, but it’s the lyrics that make the revelation irrefutable: 

Oh, oh, evacuate the dancefloor
Oh, oh, I’m infected by the sound
Oh, oh, stop, this beat is killing me
Hey Mister DJ come on and burn this place right down to the ground

My body’s aching
System overload
Temperature’s rising
I’m about to explode
Watch me I’m intoxicated
Taking the show
It’s got me hypnotized
Everybody step aside

Clearly Dazzler’s decided to spill her guts about her eternal struggle- keeping the light energy trapped in her body, not leaking out like it would without her constant willpower.  And most likely this song began as a spontaneous warning during a concert when Dazzler felt the music growing too loud, and was about to wreck Madison Square Garden with her explosive aural might.

I imagine some A&R guy heard the lyrics at the show (if he survived) and loved them so much he forced her to publish the song.  Or else Dazzler felt it was time.  Either way, I’m onto you, Alison Blaire.  And now that I know you’re out there, I’m looking for all you other X-men.  Nuff said.

Visual proof:

I humbly present to all of you a true story from sports history that is possibly one of the funniest most amazing things I have ever heard.  On June 12, 1970 Dock Ellis, pitched a no-hitter against the San Diego Padres while smacked on LSD. While footage of the event is being withheld at the moment (in ESPN’s possession) I can only imagine what it was like to watch this spectacle in real life. The whole story is below if the video isn’t enough (or you want the proof). Seriously folks, this is the best video I’ve seen in years. At the bottom of the post is a petition to get the real footage released. If you’re not into petitions then at least join the  Dock Ellis Facebook Cause. Please do yourself a favor, and get in on the fight!

From Wikipedia:
Dock Phillip Ellis, Jr. (March 11, 1945 – December 19, 2008) was a Major League Baseball player who pitched for the Pittsburgh Pirates, among other teams. His best season was 1971, when he won 19 games for the World Series champion Pirates and was the starting pitcher for the National League in the All-Star Game. However, he is perhaps best remembered for the claim that he threw a no-hitter in 1970 while under the influence of LSD.

Ellis pitched a no-hitter against the San Diego Padres on June 12, 1970 despite being, as he would claim in 1984, under the influence of LSD throughout the course of the game.^[1] Ellis had been visiting friends in Los Angeles under the impression he had the day off and was still high when his friend’s girlfriend told him he had to pitch a game against the Padres that night. Ellis boarded a shuttle flight to the ballpark and threw a no-hitter despite not being able to feel the ball or clearly see the batter or catcher. Ellis claims catcher Jerry May wore reflective tape on his fingers which helped Ellis to see his target. Ellis walked eight, struck out six, and was aided by excellent fielding plays by second baseman Bill Mazeroski and center fielder Matty Alou.^[2] During the game, Ellis is reported to have commented to his teammates on the bench between innings that he was pitching a no-hitter, despite the superstition that discourages mentioning a no-hitter while it is in progress. Because the no-hitter was the first game of a double header, Ellis was forced to keep track of the pitch count for the night game.^[3]

As Ellis recounted it:

“I can only remember bits and pieces of the game. I was psyched. I had a feeling of euphoria. I was zeroed in on the (catcher’s) glove, but I didn’t hit the glove too much. I remember hitting a couple of batters and the bases were loaded two or three times. The ball was small sometimes, the ball was large sometimes, sometimes I saw the catcher, sometimes I didn’t. Sometimes I tried to stare the hitter down and throw while I was looking at him. I chewed my gum until it turned to powder. I started having a crazy idea in the fourth inning that Richard Nixon was the home plate umpire, and once I thought I was pitching a baseball to Jimi Hendrix, who to me was holding a guitar and swinging it over the plate. They say I had about three to four fielding chances. I remember diving out of the way of a ball I thought was a line drive. I jumped, but the ball wasn’t hit hard and never reached me.”^[4]

The incident inspired the songs “Dock Ellis” by indie rock singer Barbara Manning, “America’s Favorite Pastime” by folk singer Todd Snider, “Dock Ellis No-No” by Chuck Brodsky, and “LSD (The Ballad of Doc Ellis)” by Boston rock band Random Road Mother.

[[petition-1]]

“…Fox has a quality that sets her apart: Fox is sly. Canny. A devoted student of stardom, past and present, she knows how to provide her own color commentary — a narrative to go with the underwear.”

Uh…<vigorous rubbing of eyes and forehead>

Okay.  Far be it for me to take anything away from this colorfully sly underwear narrative, but something about this generous and rather imaginative portrait of Megan Fox, penned for The Times Magazine by Lynn Hirschberg, makes my hair hurt…you know, from the FIRE… in my MY BRAIN.

To be fair, neither Hirschberg or Fox harbors any delusions about the scope of her role in the public consciousness.  She may rake in paychecks for her time in front of the camera, but Fox is primarily a professional starlet, the kind who gains fame for looking busty and playing manic on the stage of real life.  That doesn’t stop Hirschberg from trying to present her as an alarmingly clever yet largely misunderstood and media-savvy iconoclast.

First of all: No.

Second: Comparing anyone to Hitler, even if it’s Michael Bay, is in no way a savvy thing to do.

Third: Reality TV is not a classroom.

Fourth: Fox is like the 845749547529th celebrity to covet the persona of Marilyn Monroe.  enOUGH.

Fifth: I present an offering of annoying/insane/confusing quotes from Fox herself, after the jump:

“It’s a testament to my real personality that I would go so far as to make up another personality to give to the world.” Seriously, who says shit like that?

“Sarcasm doesn’t translate in print at all. And neither does self-deprecating humor.” Um, yes it does.  So does a total lack of personality, as it turns out.

“The problem is, if they think you’re attractive, you’re either stupid or a whore or a dumb whore. The instinct among girls is to attack the jugular.” That last part isn’t totally untrue.  But people don’t think you’re stupid because you’re attractive.  But they will think you’re stupid if you think people think you’re stupid because you’re attractive.

“I’m not a tigress like Angelina. Of course, people want me to be. But I want to be the contradiction of that.” Really?

“They put me in six-inch heels and a stars-and-stripes bikini… Sent me to Michael. He approved me. Then they put me in the scene under a waterfall. You got $500 extra if you were willing to get wet, and I was thrilled to get wet. I was still a child, but for those two days I was being treated like a grown woman. I felt like I should be in a bikini dancing under a waterfall: that is where I thought I belonged.” It’s really awesome that Megan equates being a grown up with being half-naked under a waterfall.

Brace yourself for this one.  A wave of nostalgia is probably going to hit you, and it might knock you off those stilettos/crocs.  Don’t rush the photo below.  It’s not for scanning.  Find the year you were born, and savor each capitalist holiday miracle.  I imagine most will trigger a memory- hopefully some happy.  For some (and this is wild) you might remember one patch as a child, and another as a parent.

Okay, ready?

Hit the jump.

Last summer, while touring Geek Cons with Second Skin, I was astounded by this odd fellow Cthulhu.  I’m perfectly ashamed at how little I knew of this tentacled extraterrestrial, being that I fancy myself a hardcore otaku, but the little cephalopod-faced brute was everywhere!  Cthulhu was emblazoned on t-shirts, poked fun at in card games, the inspiration for RPGs, books- Cthulhu was somehow the punchline to every joke I heard at each and every convention.  So I meekly asked my buddy and all around geek laureate Matt Ellsworth what Cthulhu was all about, and he patiently explained HP Lovecraft’s canon to me.  Since Lovecraft only wrote short stories, poetry and the errant novella, his corpus is more confusing than most authors, but it also gives it a ton of mystique.  Moreso, the more you delve into his life and the way he’s influenced just about every writer since him.

I’m not sure why it spent a year gestating inside me (very Lovecraftian, gestation) but exactly 52 weekends later I suddenly became inexplicably ravenous for Lovecraft.  I started inhaling his books, guided by my tutor in all things eldritch, Matt.  The past three months have seen me getting more and more odd looks from librarians as I ransack their stacks for anything even vaguely Cthulhu-related.  But I can’t help it.  Lovecraft is brilliant in just about every dimension.  From his lyricism to his pacing to his unparalleled ability at withholding information and letting it out in distorted fragments- its enough to make a reader swoon.

Anyway, by some divine providence, it turns out my favorite blog io9 decided to publish (just today) a Lovecraft 101, so I didn’t have to.  (I’d been piecing it together in my head for weeks- so glad they did the heavy lifting!)

Eerily enough, this makes for  a spot-on description of my life over the past four months: what I read, what I watched.  The only change I would make to their guide is the order of stories you should read.  Do NOT start with Mountains of Madness.  I’d read that close to last.  Begin with Call of Cthulhu, don’t miss my favorite- Shadow Over Innsmouth, and definitely read The Colour Out of Space and The Dunwich Horror.

Mr. Ellsworth will hopefully provide some more guidance in the comments, as I am merely his Paduan in this realm…  Until then, please do me the favor of picking up some Lovecraft.  It’s as exquisite as good literature gets.  Really.

io9′s LOVECRAFT 101

I just had the pleasure of watching The Guild seasons 1 and 2 on a sweet two-disc set.    I remember watching  season 1 on the internet when it came out a couple of years ago.  But I must say this show is definitely best when packaged together on one DVD.  While each season is broken up into many episodes, the over-arching storyline takes a full season to play out.  So watching a season all together is a lot more like watching a movie than a web series.

For those who have never heard of The Guild,  it’s the first ever web based sitcom about online gamers.  It was written by and stars her hotness Felicia Day of Buffy The Vampire Slayer fame.  It uses YouTube-style confessionals intercut with sitcom-style interactions to tell the story of an online gaming guild.  This show embraces the internet like no other and will probably spawn many imitators.  What impresses me the most about the show is how far it’s come from its origins as an unfunded labor of love.  Today it’s fully sponsored by Microsoft.  Each season (part of season 3 is now available free online) clearly one-ups the last on both plot and production value.  The Guild is a testament to what can happen if you connect with ravenous fan base / subculture.

Top Ten People who should buy this DVD  and Season 3 Episode 1 after the jump.

10. Buffy Super Fanatics

9. Youtubers

8. People who like to dress up and go to conventions

7. Stalkers

6. People being stalked

5. People who want to know what the future looks like.

4. People who like to laugh

3. Parents  of Wow players

2. World of Warcraft Players

1. Anyone who wants to know what successful a web series looks like.

At gunpoint, two extraterrestrials in Hell’s Kitchen demanded I tell them the reason for the internet.

Without hesitation, I showed them this video.

Catch the whole thing here.

[Yeah, I've talked about it before- but now there's this delectable preview, plus 400 scenes ready for your crowdsourced pleasure.]

With one week left til Halloween, here’s a little taste of the spirit to whet the appetite.

This is also an open invitation to make your own multitrack webcam hitz.  I’d especially like to hear Come Sail Away or the theme to Contra.

I took what Hawkes wrote last week to heart, and I took time to let the balloon boy hullabaloo set in. (Full Confession: It doesn’t hurt that I am in England and had minimal internet connectivity until now.) And what this time off helped me to see is what balloon boy really needed: a mix to chronicle his journey, I mean, should he ever actually take that journey for real. So here are my top ten songs (plus one spoken word)… from launch to lies, airborne to attic-bound, headline news to hoax.

Stream this mix here.

Mitch Hedberg – Hot Air Balloon
The Flaming Lips – Approaching Pavonis Mons by Balloon (Utopia Planitia)
The Lisps – Red Balloon
Badly Drawn Boy – Magic In The Air
Pearl Jam – Thin Air
Andrew Bird – Fiery Crash
Air Traffic – Empty Space
The Arcade Fire – Rebellion (Lies)
The Avett Brothers – The Weight of Lies
The Antlers – Stairs to the Attic
The New Pornographers – The Fake Headlines

We have all become loot whores.  That has to be the explanation.

The next time your kids (who are we kidding- your significant other) starts letting the cleanliness slip a little bit at the old homestead, turn him onto this little game- Chore Wars.  Control, thy name is RPG.

Chore Wars lets you claim experience points for household chores. By getting other people in your house or workplace to sign up to the site, you can assign experience point rewards to individual tasks and chores, and see how quickly each of you levels up.

Experience points are tracked both as weekly high-score charts, and as ongoing character sheets – every time you rack up 200XP of chores, your character gains a “level”, and their class changes to match the type of chores that they’ve been doing.

I would love to hear some success stories of this thinly veiled attempt to rule your man like you used to when he was obsessed with your body motivate your spouse or partner to take out the garbage.  Does adding XP points really motivate certain people to do absolutely anything?

If so, why the hell are we stopping at Chore Wars?!  Why not Conservation Wars, Charity Wars and Casual Sex Wars?

Also, they need to turn this into an MMO, or at least get some global leaderboards going.  We’d start getting some amazing volunteer maid service.