Tomorrow marks 100 days since the BP oil spill in the gulf. I know they “successfully” capped it, but as long as that sucker is still leaking, I’m saying there is still an oil spill. But this disaster got me thinking a lot about the good old days of folk – when popular music regularly included anthems for a better world. So here you go, ten songs in the spirit of activism. They are warnings of what might become of our world,  encouragements to better our environment, and frustrations upon frustrations in lyric form.

Mother Earth (Natural Anthem) – Neil Young and Crazy Horse
If you can get past the first minute of dissonance, there are some really beautiful harmonies in here.
Key lyric: Oh, Mother Earth, With your fields of green / Once more laid down by the hungry hand / How long can you give and not receive / and feed this world ruled by greed

Don’t Go Near The Water – Johnny Cash
Really, this whole song could be put into the key lyric section. I love when he stops a tells a story.
Key lyric: Don’t go near the water children / See the fish all dead upon the shore / Don’t go near the water / Cause the water isn’t water anymore

Excuse Me Mr. – Ben Harper
I loved this song when I was in college, but never really thought about the lyrics until recently. Ben Harper has a lot of great songs in the folk tradition (How Many Miles Must We March, Like a King, I’ll Rise to name a few) and though I actually love the others more, this one stands out for its finger-pointing tone.
Key lyric: Excuse me mister but isn’t that your oil in the sea / And the pollution in the air mister / Whose could that be?

Earth Song – Michael Jackson
Sure, Heal The World is the obvious choice, but I like to roll against type.
Key lyric: Did you ever stop to notice all the blood we’ve shed before / Did you ever stop to notice the crying Earth the weeping shores?

Death of Mother Nature – Kansas
Mother Nature personified. I think this song is unnecessarily scary/loud at times, but I guess that’s what they were going for.
Key lyric: We’ve strangled all her trees and starved her creatures / There’s poison in the sea and in the air / But worst of all we’ve learned to live without her

Mercy Mercy Me (The Ecology) – Marvin Gaye
Couldn’t really have a mix about fixing up the world and not have this song, right?
Key lyric: Whoa mercy, mercy me, / Things ain’t what they used to be / Oil wasted on the ocean and upon our seas, fish full of mercury

Don’t Go Near The Water – Beach Boys
Another one where the whole song could be a key lyric. This is one of my favorites on this mix.
Key lyric: Oceans, rivers, lakes and streams / Have all been touched by man / The poison floating out to sea / Now threatens life on land

My Dirty Stream (The Hudson River Song) – Pete Seeger
This is about pollution in our beautiful waterways, but oil is pollution too, right?
Key lyric: At Glens Falls, five thousand honest hands / Work at the consolidated paper plant / Five million gallons of waste a day / Why should we do it any other way?

Paradise – John Prine
Okay, this is about coal mining. But coal is a fuel, and oil is a fuel. Just go with it, okay?
Key lyric: And daddy won’t you take me back to Muhlenberg County / Down by the Green River where Paradise lay / Well, I’m sorry my son, but you’re too late in asking / Mister Peabody’s coal train has hauled it away

In Our Talons – Bowerbirds
This is the most recent song here. It’s also has the most general lyrics, but I love the key one as a way to end this mix.
Key lyric: It takes a lot of nerve to destroy this wondrous earth / We’re only human; this at least we’ve learned.

When I was in my formative high school days, going to the Warped Tour was a highlight of the summer. Just old enough to drive, we’d pile about 9 bros and skateboards into mom-duke’s Ford Exploder and drive at high speed to Fitchburg or some other pseudo-municipality in middle Massachusetts, blasting Rage Against The Machine and mooning other drivers. Being pre-9/11, security at the event was pathetic/awesome, and instead of buying tickets we usually just wandered the perimeter until we found a fence to hop. Yes, these were the best days of my life.

Anyway, I can’t even remember a single band we saw there, probably because we were too busy smoking pot and ogling chicks but also because we were there to see local hero skater Andy Woodbury compete on one of the shittiest little skate assemblies I’ve ever seen. The point is that the band names were probably totally dumb then too. However, while I know that “all the good names are taken”, the overall level of retardedness for naming your co-opted-counter-cultural marketing tool has gotten way out of hand.

Here follows a list of the Top Ten Worst Band Names From the Vans Warped Tour 2010. Please note that I make no comment on the actual artistic abilities of the bands themselves, but since we all judge books by their covers anyway, it’s probably safe to assume that they all suck as much as their monikers.

Wait, what’s that you say? ALL the band names at Warped Tour are idiotic? Yes, my friend, it’s true. But we aren’t called PopTEN for nothing. This list was hard! In order to cut down the vast number of entries for the esteemed prize of having the lamest band name ever of June 25-August 15, 2010, as well as make this list nationally relevant, I’m only culling from the bands who will be present at the entire tour. Sorry local heroes/losers!

10. Set Your Goals

I do feel like this band name needs an exclamation point, a toothy grin and healthy tan, and a motivational DVD infomercial. I don’t feel like they’re going to rock.

9. Emmure

Sounds like: “Manure”, which would actually be a pretty good band name, if your goal (set it!) is to “bring a combination of heavy issues and heavier music, and even if you don’t know what they’re talking about, you’ll fit right in as long as you can bang your head.” Also sounds like “Demure”, “Murmur”, “Femur”, and similarly non-kick-ass things.

8. AM Taxi

What is even being said here? Is it supposed to be a strong declarative, like “I AM A TAXI!”, but said in Tarzan-ese? But who would ever want to hear a taxi play music (even if the driver was Bengali and Cheeta was a backup dancer)? Or is it like AM radio being played in a taxi, a.k.a. Rush Limbaugh or an evangelical channel (in Spanish, hopefully) with shitty quality in a smelly yellow deathtrap? Umm, option one please?

7. Closure in Moscow

So the mail-order bride thing didn’t work out. Chin up! There’s other fish in the seafood aisle! Man of you to go all the way to Russia to break her the news instead of doing it via text message. Maybe down the road you two can, you know, be friends. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ROCKING?

6. Pierce The Veil

I’m gonna wager this band name is NOT referencing the recent ban of the Burqa in public offices in France, nor our ongoing military incursion into middle eastern countries, nor an advertising hack’s concept of selling watches to “untapped markets” using Pierce Brosnan as spokesman. Perhaps by the “veil” it means the “veil of silence” which is what happens when the members of this band tell people who they are: a collective gasp of nothing.

5. Breathe Carolina, Breathe Electric

Twofer! Any band with the word “Breathe” in its name should be put on breathing probation. Indefinitely. As if I needed a reminder to “breathe” when I’m in one of the Carolinas (never, thankfully) or when I’m using something “electric”, like my toaster. It’s like telling me to take a shit when I’m driving (or in a taxi!). I’m old enough to know when to do it!

4. You Me At Six

This sounds like a douchebag pickup line – for old people. Only works if you’re Mel Gibson, dudes. And anyway, who does anything at six besides people who go to sleep at nine? No, wait, it’s the title of a Friends episode! Totally redeeming dudes! I love the part where Ross does something funny! Snore.

3. Artist vs. Poet

What the fuck is this, the celebrity deathmatch of emo? Two pasty depressed goths banging their dicks together? Apparently, this “powerpop duo wields catchy beats and infectious melodies based on their solid songwriting and DIY attitude.” Shoot me in the eyeballs and then the ear holes please.

2. Gardening, Not Architecture

When I think of gardening, I think of weeds, manure (Emmure?), insect infestations and frilly hats. When I think of architecture (which this band most definitely is NOT), I think of blueprints and schematics, feng shui and azimuth angles, flying buttresses and bay windows. When I think of this band name, my head explodes. Also, their music is “fuzzy ethereal dreampop”. Head explosion X2!!!1!one

1. I Can Make A Mess Like Nobody’s Business

Ho. Ly. Shit. This is the worst band name ever. How do they even refer to themselves? As an acronym? ICMAMLNB. Sounds like “ickma’amlenoob”. I bet that gets them all the chicks. Sample conversation:

ICMAMLNB band member (hoping to score): Hey honey, I’m in a band.

Drunk chick: Really? What’s it called?

ICMAMLNB: Ickma’amlenoob.

Drunk chick: I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

ICMAMLNB: Oooh, sexy! I get that a lot. It’s short for “I Can Make A Mess Like-”

Drunk chick falls asleep/passes out.

ICMAMLNB (to self): Score! (Louder): Well it looks like somebody’s had a little too much to drink! (Laughs nervously.) Why don’t I take you back to the tour bus where you can rest?

NOW I GET IT.

Unless you have been living under a rock, you are quite familiar with the body (of work) of Isaiah Mustafa. Mustafa is a former wide-receiver in the NFL, and currently has a talent contract with NBC. He might be better known to you as The Old Spice Guy (heretofore known in this post as OSG). But just in case you have been on some other planet, here is an introduction:

And did you know women prefer Old Spice for their men ONE BAJILLION times more than lady-scented body washes? It’s true.

But that’s not even the point. Old Spice has an even brand newer marketing campaign, which was brought to my attention by the lovely twitterverse yesterday. After seeing links to the Old Spice YouTube channel all day, I ultimately clicked on a video posted by my friend @aubs, wherein the OSG  made a personalized video, comparing her to Bobby Fischer.

Of course I have lost hours on the Old Spice channel, but what I find intriguing of all is the blossoming love affair between OSG and Alyssa Milano. I mean, could this be any more awesome? The video evidence to date, in chronological order:

The most recent one came in an hour ago, and also happens to be my favorite:

I met Blaine in that surreal, Zuckerberg-facilitated fashion that so many of us experience these days.

I was doing my usual rounds on Facebook a few years ago, when I noticed a profile pic that perfectly parodied the latest New Pornographers’ album cover (see above, below).  I shot the guy a quick email telling him how spot-on his parody looked only to get a reply that it wasn’t a spoof- the cover was indeed based on the photo.

Glancing at the name, I blushed. I’d just accidentally contacted Blaine Thurier- one of the members of my favorite band. This was a month before Second Skin (the movie I wrote/produced) hit SXSW, and I remember reading that Blaine’s film had won SXSW a few years back. A few festival-related emails back and forth followed, and our Facebook friendship was cemented.

After a recent extended Facebook conversation about The Singularity with Blaine, I thought it might be fun to ask him some other questions, some even pertaining to the just-released New Pornos album Together. Mr.Thurier graciously accepted, and here we are.

A little Wikipedian background for you: Blaine plays synthesizer with The New Pornographers, directs the band’s music videos and has released films of his own, including A Gun to the Head (trailer below).

You recently said, “Making a movie for me is, metaphorically, like doing cocaine and getting in street-fights. It’s adventurous as well as self-destructive.” Care to elaborate on that? What aspects are self-destructive and what’s the most adventurous part?

The most adventurous part is trying to be truthful and honest. Looking into your own heart and soul and then trying to show people what’s inside is a scary thing. It’s self-destructive because it can also be heart-breaking. Shooting nights for three weeks straight isn’t exactly good for the mental health either. Despite all that, it’s the most gratifying thing in the world. I should add that anything beyond the joy that the process brings is just gravy.

If making a movie is about doing blow and re-enacting Beat It, then how would you describe working on a NP album?

It’s like social networking. We’re rarely in the same room together, some recorded parts are sent via file sharing, ideas are shared over chat or email. Very impersonal stuff. I’m always amazed when it comes together. Rehearsing and touring is just the opposite though, it’s very intimate and personal.

What was it like working on Together, versus prior NP albums? Any good anecdotes from the recording process?

Nope, recording is slow and painful. As the lowly keyboardist though, I don’t have to be there all the time. Carl, John and Phil did most of the sitting for hours, days, weeks and months in various studios.

Where’d the idea for the Together music video come from and how’d you go about working with Vancouver dance troupe Hybrid Movement on it?

Carl’s idea. He just thought the riff sounded like a combo move. I put an ad on craigslist and found a choreographer. One of her dancers introduced me to the Hybrid Movement guys. The location was another huge part of that video. It was shot at a Japanese community center in a Vancouver suburb. Inside and out, it looks like 19th century Japan.

What was your favorite NP video to direct? Why?

I liked Your Hands because it had the most surprises. We had a very basic plan and left lots of room for stuff to just happen. The dancers and the Hybrid guys were great at coming up with amazing stuff on the spot. It’s the one video where I just let people bring what they had to bring. I like to gather people together and let them entertain me, then cut it into something that other people might like.

How do you split your time between movie making and NP?

It’s worked itself out so far. The first movie was made before the NP’s first album. I made the second and third movies in the wake of Carl’s solo records. I can only hope to find a window for another one. I try to keep writing though, even on the road.

If you had a $100 million budget, what kind of movie would you make?

See below.

If you could adapt any book, which one would you choose?

I’d like to do a mini-series of the entire Bible, complete with all the sex and violence. No punches pulled. It wouldn’t really be a Christian show as such, since it would portray incest and glorify genocide, just like the bible does. It would just show the raw story, as it is on the page with as little interpretation as possible. I’d like to shoot all four Gospels, as each one has its own tone and slant, but I’d also like to film the reconstructed version, the one scholars have been trying to piece together that tries to reveal the original story, stripping away all the stuff that was added later. I’d probably portray Paul as the guy that ruined everything.

There’s a great book on the subject called The Jesus Sayings by Rex Weyler about the early days of Christianity and how the original message was completely co-opted and bastardized.  Max von Sydow was right in Hannah and her Sisters.  ”If Jesus were to come back today, he’d be throwing up all over the place.”

If you had to remake any movie, which one would you choose?

My friend Lynne Stopkewich suggested that we remake each others’ first films. I’d remake her necrophilia-based feature KISSED as a comedy. Two of my favourites are the original Heartbreak Kid and Bad News Bears. I haven’t seen their remakes because I’d like to continue to imagine that I would’ve done a better job.

I’d also like to find that movie with a great idea and lousy execution that nobody’s heard of and hasn’t been optioned already.

A book that everyone should read before they die?

Wow. That’s a tough question. I think all Christians should read the bible from beginning to end and try to reconcile it with their own lives. Will they give away everything they own and bar women from speaking in church?

I’m also in the middle of reading Saul Friedlander’s two volume work “Nazi Germany and the Jews”. It really makes you want to go out and be nicer to people. It’s heartbreaking but essential knowledge.

I make an annual summer mix of euphoric music. As you can imagine, NP appears on most of them. Any other tracks I should include on it?

I rediscovered my favourite album, Forever Changes by LOVE, when we were rehearsing for the tour in Woodstock. I’d just put the whole thing on there. My dirty, nerdy secret is that I listen to almost nothing but classical music. I love Bach and twentieth century music, Xenakis, Ligeti, Shostakovich, Messiaen etc etc etc. And Schubert. Even some Mozart.

You have a time machine that you can use once. Where do you go?

Just one? Oh man… I’d like to go hang with the historical Jesus, get the real lowdown.

Okay, I can’t do it. Picking one is just not fair. I want to take a stroll in Ancient Rome. I want to visit Vancouver each year since its first settlement and track the changes.

There are a few blown opportunities I’d like to take another shot at, completely sexual in nature. Yeah, if I just got one, it would be one of those, sadly.

You and I have been talking about the Singularity a lot lately. What’s your conception of the end of the world?

We’re either going to destroy ourselves by destroying our environment or undergo a transformation like the one Kurzweil is talking about, where we evolve into cyber-beings. I was raised on The Book of Revelations and some of that apocalyptic thinking is still stuck in my brain. I wonder if the world would be different if the Council of Nicae hadn’t narrowly voted to include that book in the canon.

Some people make horrible decisions, others are just bad presidents, a few are bloodthirsty, many are extremists, a couple are warmongers, and all of these guys are a mix. Ten of our political leaders in the last 130 years have been the architects of the most horrific genocides, systematic murders, blockades, brutal wars, and policy reforms history has ever recorded.

Where to begin? Maybe an icebreaker for you next dinner party? Did you know the word “genocide” was coined in 1943 to describe when the Armenians were slaughtered haphazardly by Turkish leader Ismail Enver? Until then there was no specific word for it in our language. It makes me think about how much more cognizant we’ve become in this last century to these events. So, a quick toast between you and I to a more peaceable future where less of what follows below is allowed to happen. Sit back, but don’t relax.

10. Yakubu Gowon (1.1 million deaths)

Breakdown: 1 million civilians on the wrong side of a blockade caused by a war of secession in Nigeria and 100,000 soldiers who died in that war.

It starts as many sad stories do with precious beautiful oil. It had been found in the Niger delta where tensions were already high between the Eastern region (led by Ojukwu) and the rest of the country (governed by Yakubu). A dummy agreement was signed between them called the “Aburi Accord”, but it meant nothing to either leader. Yakubu started to put pressure on the region, and tested how much sway he had in the area versus Ojukwu. Well Ojukwu being no slouch declared secession from the rest of Nigeria and became the “Republic of Biafra”. This began a war that caused the deaths of 100,000 soldiers, and much worse, a blockade on the region which starved 1 million civilians.

9. Mengistu Haile Mariam (400,000 – 1.5 million deaths)

Breakdown: As president of Ethiopia and colonel of  “the Derg” (communist militia) Mengitsu systematically killed those against him in the “Red Terror” campaign.

Mengistu Haile Mariam is (as in still alive) a politician who presided over Ethiopia from 1974 to 1991. The way he got into power was by smothering the previous president Haile Selassie although he has denied those rumors. His biggest claim to fame is the Ethiopian Red Terror which was a campaign of repression led by the Derg (communist militia in Ethiopia).

In his introductory speech Mengitsu yelled, “Death to counterrevolutionaries! Death to the EPRP!” Then he took three bottles filled with blood and threw them to the ground.

It was an auspicious beginning to say the least. Thousands were killed and found dead on the streets in the years that followed. Much of the murdering can be attributed to the friendly neighborhood watch there known as “Kebeles”. As if killing innocents wasn’t enough they would then charge the family a tax to return the dead body to them. The tax was aptly named “the wasted bullet”! Are you serious Mengitsu? However there was an even more gruesome fate of being left on the street where wild hyenas would fight over the dead. The campaign has been described as one of the worst mass murders ever in Africa. Mengitsu is even known to have garroted people to death.

8. Kim Il Sung (1.6 million deaths)

Breakdown: Unpopular among his people Kim used the U.S. as a scapegoat and forced the country to believe in his delusion or else.

Before our very own Kim Jong-Il was his murderous father Kim Il Sung who led North Korea in a terrible direction. He fought for a command economy that allowed the government to make all decisions for the country. For various reasons the people never seemed to love the man, and so his hold on power was tenuous at best. Like most crazies he blamed somebody else, in this case the USA, and said they had spread disease throughout its population. He also pulled a Stalin, and had large-scale purges. His underlying reason was that it would scare people into believing he was telling the truth.  Kim’s purge was a little different than Stalin’s though in that there were no trials.  During his tenure prison camps sprung up all over the country to contain the ever growing masses of people against Kim Il Sung.

7. Pol Pot (1.7 million deaths)

Breakdown: Forced city folk to relocate to farms and forced them into hard labor.

Pol Pot was the leader of the communist movement in Cambodia. He attempted to “cleanse” the country and it resulted in the death of an estimated 1.7 to 2.5 million people. There was an interesting policy going around called agrarian collectivization which he put into practice in the late 1970′s. Basically it forced city folk to head out to the farms to do some labor and vice versa for farmers. As you might guess, and hindsight is 20/20, neither group was very good at their new jobs. Pol didn’t stop at enslaving his own people though. He also didn’t feed them well, gave them little medical care, and executed many of them. The net result was killing off approximately 1/5 of the Cambodian population!

6. Ismail Enver Pasha (2.5 million deaths)

Breakdown: 1,200,000 Armenians (1915) + 350,000 Greek Pontians and 480,000 Anatolian Greeks (1916-22) + 500,000 Assyrians (1915-20)

He began his career as a Turkish military officer and leader in the Young Turk revolution. Eventually he rose to power and led the Ottoman Empire in both Balkan Wars and World War I. As a war minister Enver was not very useful, and was defeated over and over. His crushing loss at the Battle of Sarikamish needed a scapegoat, and that’s when he decided to blame Armenians for the failure. That is what began what is now known as the Armenian Genocide. The word “genocide” was coined to describe this event.

Etymology from Wikipedia:
Coined in 1943 by Raphael Lemkin (1900–1959), a Polish-Jewish legal scholar, to describe what the Turkish government (ca 1915–18) perpetrated against the Armenian people, now called the Armenian Genocide. From the stem of Ancient Greek (génos), “race, kind” or Latin “tribe, clan” (-cide).

5. Hideki Tojo (5 million deaths)

Breakdown: Waged unprovoked wars against China, USA, Netherlands, and France.

Hideki Tojo was a general in the Imperial Japanese Army. He assumed the position of Prime Minister and held Army Minister concurrently. As if that wasn’t enough he also held other major positions like Home Minister, Foreign Minister, Education Minister, and Commerce Minister. His major contributions to education were teaching militaristic and nationalist indoctrination. His version of homeland security was approving eugenics measures which essentially made a distinction between pure blood and mixed blood Japanese families.

During World War II Tojo started winning battles and the public loved him for it. He really bought into the Nazi Kool-aid, and held steadfastly with Germany. When the tide turned, and he began losing, it was devastating. Eventually he went into seclusion. He was tried for war crimes and found guilty of waging wars of aggression, wars in violation of international law, and waging unprovoked war against many countries. Not to mention ordering, authorizing, and permitting inhumane treatment of Prisoners of War.

4. Leopold II of Belgium (2-15 million deaths)

Breakdown: Created a colony called the “Congo Free State”, enslaved its people, and forced them into labor plants.

Leopold II was the King of the Belgians, and believed in colonialism. He thought acquiring colonies overseas was essential to a great country and was always scheming. The problem was Belgium really didn’t care, and so Leopold went into business for himself. He started a company that seemed like it was doing good called the International African Society. A year later he used that company to travel to Congo, laid claim to a plot of land 14 times the size of Belgium, and made 14 countries agree (USA included) that he was free to rule it with his own private militia. He then forced the indigenous populations into forced labor, created a bustling rubber industry, and abused his workers grievously.

Missionary John Harris on returning from Congo said:
“I have just returned from a journey inland to the village of Insongo Mboyo. The abject misery and utter abandon is positively indescribable.”

Estimates of the death toll range from two to fifteen million which could all have been avoided if 14 countries didn’t hand him the keys to the car!

3. Adolf Hitler (17 million deaths)

Breakdown: Concentration camps and civilians in WWII.

Adolf Hitler was the leader of the Nazi Party. He was the absolute dictator of Germany from 1934 to 1945. He gained support by promoting values like German nationalism and anti-semitism. Hitler was appointed chancellor in 1933 and began the Third Reich. Hitler was power hungry as all hell, hated the shit out of Jews (and others), and wanted  hegemony in Europe. The militarization that was needed to complete such a lofty goal led to the outbreak of World War II. Nazi forces engaged in the systematic murder of as many as 17 million civilians, an estimated six million of whom were Jews, and 1.5 million Romanis.

2. Jozef Stalin (23 million deaths)

Breakdown: The great purges and Ukraine’s famine.

Jozef Stalin was the first Secretary of the Communist Party from 1922 – 1953. After Lenin’s death in 1924, he became the leader of the Soviet Union. Stalin didn’t take long in launching a new economy that screwed up food production across the country so bad it caused massive famine. Between 1922-23 it reached such catastrophic proportions everything went to shit. In Ukraine this dark period is known as Holodomor. Its widely believed that Soviet policies caused the famine there and was designed as an attack on Ukrainian nationalism. Estimates on the total number of casualties within Soviet Ukraine range from 2.6 million to 10 million! During the late 1930s Stalin launched another wonderfully titled initiative called the Great Purge (also known as the “Great Terror”). It was a paranoid campaign to kill off the people who opposed him, and his targets were often executed.

In 1939 Stalin agreed to a non-aggression pact with the Nazis. Eventually Germany violated the pact, the Soviet Union joined the allies, and they racked up 23.9 million deaths (the largest death toll in the war).

1. Mao Zedong (49-78 million deaths)

Breakdown: Policy reforms like the Great Leap Forward and the Cultural Revolution.

Mao Zedong was a Chinese revolutionary, political theorist, and communist leader who led the People’s Republic of China. Mao, while controversial, is still widely considered a savior of the nation. I did a semester abroad in China in 2001 after falling in love with its history, and was surprised in my conversations that many people thought Mao had done 70% – 80% good things. During  his first five years from 1949 – 53 he is said to have systematically killed between 4 to 6 million people by sentencing them to die or by sending them to “reform through labor” camps. He organized mass repressions, established execution quotas, and defended his actions in these early years as necessary for securing power for “The People’s Republic of China”.

His social programs the Great Leap Forward and the Cultural Revolution are two of the most ill-fated, poorly named, initiatives ever. The first was an effort to rapidly industrialize China. His focus was on making China a premier exporter of steel, and to this end he asked everybody to make  it. The problem was it got many citizens to make smelting shops in their backyards. Not only was the steel of little value, but it was made from everything lying around the house including their own cooking supplies! Without the tools to make food, no money coming in from the steel, and no money to survive ~ a lot of people starved to death. The estimates on this program alone are 20 million deaths! Think about that number. Really think about it. Then ask yourself… why would you EVER let someone back into power after such an insanely bad decision.Well, they took the reigns away from him for a short time.

In the interim Mao started the socialist education movement. He aimed the concept at young ones who would eventually wrest the power away from the older guard. By 1964 this movement was renamed the “four cleanups movement” whose goal was cleansing politics, economics, ideas, and organization of “reactionaries”. This led to the formation of the “Red Guards” who were organized to punish intellectuals and take out Mao’s political adversaries. The Cultural Revolution was now underway, and its overriding mission was to abolish: Old Customs, Old Culture, Old Habits, and Old Ideas. Something Mao fervently believed in was that destruction and chaos could bring re-birth. So he told his followers to destroy buildings, sacred objects, talk back to ones elders, punish them, turn them in, and kill those who did not agree. By 1968 things were starting to look pretty good for Mao all over again, and so he put into place the decade long “Down to the Countryside Movement” which forced young intellectuals to move out to the country to become farmers. Sadly, the people he pushed out there were the same Red Guards who had helped him get power. Estimates of the death toll are between 40,000 – 7 million depending on who you ask.

Finally, there is the 100 flowers movement which just needs an abbreviated mention here. Mao asked people to come forth and tell him how he should govern China.  Intellectuals and liberals bit at the chance to tell him what they really thought, and were encouraged by the Communist party to do so. Then in a sudden change of heart, or an incredibly crafty mission to out his haters, the government persecuted 500,000 of them who were considered to be “dangerous thinkers”.

Mao is essentially like that girlfriend/boyfriend who keeps on taking a shit on you, but is so damn charming you hardly notice. His policies and political purges from 1949 to 1976 caused the deaths of 49 to 78 million people.

The moral of the story is ~

Let’s stop allowing evil political dictators to take office. And if we do have someone bad in office we can find better ways to get them out than murdering them, wars, and aggressive confrontations.

When the dust settles on 2010 I’m not sure what game critics will consider the best of the year- already the list of candidates is pretty long, and we still have many months to go. And though it seems premature, I’m pretty sure I’ve already found mine.  A blockbuster AAA title it’s not. It’s free, the graphics are from 1986, and it’s a Flash game. And it’s taking the world by storm this week.

Super Mario Crossover is every 80s Baby’s wet dream- finally a chance to replay the most iconic game of all time as any of the major NES characters. Take on Bowser and his minions as Mega Man, Simon Belmont, Link, Samus or Bill R from Contra.

With a premise that winning, I was sure that the delivery would be lacking. But that’s where SMC gets elevated from novelty to classic. The game was tweaked and tweaked so that every character feels perfectly at home in the Mushroom Kingdom, making this 8 Bit wonder as satisfying as the action figure parties we all had as kids, where Optimus Prime would battle He-Man and Storm Shadow for the keys to the kingdom. There are so many well-made decisions that bring gamers moments of elation. The first time Simon Belmont gets a fire flower and begins breaking blocks en masse with his whip. Mowing down entire levels with Bill R’s spread shot. Beating Bowser using only Samus’ bombs.

What makes SMC even more enviable is that it’s creator Jay Pavlina‘s first game- a year-long labor of love that was as treacherously difficult to cobble together as we’d imagine. In Jay’s words, “Only an insane person can complete a project of this magnitude alone. Seriously.”

I reached out to Jay knowing the he’d be drowning in emails. Sure enough, the game’s been played over a million times in 48 hours, hundreds of articles have been written on blogs and in major news outlets, and the guy has been deluged with love and questions. So you can imagine my excitement when he agreed to a Popten interview (one of two he hasn’t turned down) sending us exclusive pics to boot.

Without further adieu, Jay Pavlina:

Playing this game makes me want the Crossover treatment on all the classic NES games. If Super Mario Bros wasn’t an option, what game(s) would you have inserted these characters into, and why?

Super Mario Bros was an easy choice because the only thing the other characters need the ability to do is walk and jump. All you need to do to beat the level is move from left to right. A lot of other NES games are more complicated than that, and they involve needing the ability to shoot or to perform complicated attacks. Other games also have more complex upgrade systems, where as Super Mario Bros only has 3 different power-up states.

I have definitely considered other games, and I have a very, very awesome idea about how I’d make it work if I did it. I’m going to keep that idea to myself for now because I’d really like to make a game that goes into multiple game worlds. But really, I can’t think of any other classic NES game that would work as well as Super Mario Bros due to its incredibly simplistic yet addicting game design.

I’m so glad you’re planning on making more stuff like this. Are you forever limiting yourself to the 8-bit realm or have you considered a SNES or Genesis mashup next?

I never limit myself to anything. I even considered having the ability to toggle 16-bit graphics on and off for Super Mario Bros. Crossover, but it just wouldn’t work because I didn’t have all the sprites I needed.

And I’d like to make a comment about limits with the NES games. You may also notice that I made slight modifications to the characters to make them work better. For example, Simon can double jump and Mega Man jumps way higher than he normally does. Some people complain about those things because it’s not “true to the original.” Some people even request that I insert bugs into the game just because the original games had them.

I did not create this game to make an exact copy of each original game I borrowed from. I created the game to be fun. Whenever I make a game design choice, I simply ask, “What is more fun?” I am not a hardcore NES fanatic that needs everything to be exactly right. I try to stay as true to the original with slight modifications to make it more enjoyable, like adding in the feature to continue and scroll the screen left. I tried to balance the level of nostalgia and staying true to the original with minor upgrades. I believe I succeeded because people both complain that I changed too much and too little. Ya gotta love everyone giving their opinion.

I would love to move into the 16-bit realm, but that would be way, way more work. If I did that, I would need a team of people working with me. If I continue with this, I’ll probably stick with 8-bit for a game or two because there’s one more game I’d really, really like to make that involves all of these characters with an original story. And there’s another game I’d like to make that involves NES characters and a very popular independent IP. Don’t worry, I’m never short on ideas. I’m only short on money and awesome people to work with. Sorry for being vague about future games, but I enjoy surprising people.

You spent months and months (and months) designing this game, so you probably understand the mechanics of these characters better than just about anyone. If this were actually an 8-bit Smash Bros (with only these 6 characters) who would win? Why?

Yeah you’d think I understand the characters better than anyone, but I don’t. I just did the best I could to make them play like they do in the original. I get a lot of emails going into detail about specific characters talking about their movement speed and glitches from the original game and also animations that are slightly off. I am definitely a hardcore gamer, but I’m not obsessive. I played all these games growing up and remember their general abilities, and I played the games while working on it to try and match everything, but I certainly didn’t get it perfect. I just did the best I could. But I will gladly give my opinion on your question, because it’s a fun question.

Although most people would probably think someone with a gun would win, I’d have to disagree. I think there is one character here that has a distinctive advantage over all others, and that is of course… Mario.

Although Mario is a fat italian plumber, he’s incredibly fast. I believe with his agility, he could easily dodge bullets from Mega Man, Samus, and Bill Rizer to get in and jump on their heads. I know Mega Man and Samus are wearing helmets, so that could pose a problem for Mario, but I hear that he also has some pretty mean punches and kicks. And if Samus turns into a ball, Mario will eat that shit like a meatball. So Samus, Bill, and Mega Man are all dead. Rest in peace.

And of course Simon is possibly the slowest, clunkiest character ever created in the history of mankind, so he wouldn’t even be able to grab his whip before Mario’s fat, spaghetti-filled body would be on top of his head, crushing his skull. Simon, you suck at jumping and deserve to die, but I still love you. Rest in peace.

Now we have Link remaining, who I believe is Mario’s biggest threat. If Mario takes a hit from Link’s boomerang, he’s done for, so he has to be alert. And he has to remember to look behind him because that boomerang is… well, a boomerang, so it comes back. Mario also has to watch out for Link’s upward thrust because if he jumps on Link’s sword, then Mario’s asshole is going to get a lot bigger. Link is tiny so he’s a small target for Mario’s jump, but I think after a few attempts, Mario’s fat ass would engulf that little Hylian. As long as he watches out for the boomerang and upward thrust, Mario can defeat Link as well and take his place as the 8-bit victor. Congratulations, Mario!

Was there any character or ability you couldn’t include because it was too powerful, and would screw up the game’s balance?

Well… I did include an ability even though it screws up the game’s balance. And that’s Bill Rizer’s spread gun of course. I tried to balance it as best I could by making the bullets weak, but it’s still by far the strongest weapon in the game and makes everything a breeze. But like I said, my goal was to make the game fun, and who wouldn’t want to mow down enemies with spread? I knew I wanted it, and I knew everyone else would want it, so I put it in anyway.

One ability that sort of falls into that category is Samus’s screw attack. I thought about putting it in when she got firepower, but I think the game wouldn’t be as fun if you didn’t have to worry about getting hit while in the air. And I’ll just be honest. I didn’t feel like programming it. But I still think it is better to not have it in the game, at least for now.

And although you didn’t ask this, I also thought about having different selectable weapons for a few of the characters. I thought about giving Samus the option to use missiles, or with Bill you could choose something else if you didn’t want to use spread or machine gun, and of course Mega Man has a huge list of weapons to choose from. But the main character I considered for that was Simon. I thought about giving him the option to use holy water, the dagger, and cross boomerang. The main reason I decided not to put those in was time, but I also think it would have made Simon less fun if he had more long ranged attacks. Simon is fun because you have to get in close and he sucks at jumping. Perhaps these features will be in a future game or updated version.

A lot of what makes this game amazing is pure nostalgia factor. Everyone I talk to has (at least) one great story about playing an NES game as a kid. Do you have any anecdotes worth sharing?

I was born the year NES came out in US so I was pretty young, but I can remember a few things. I remember loving the game “Snake, Rattle, and Roll,” and playing it a gazillion times with one of my friends. I believe there was some sort of cheat that if you go really fast on the first level you could jump into a rocket and warp to a later level. Me and my friend sucked because we were young, so we would just try over and over to make it to that rocket. We had such a hard time and one of us would usually mess it up for the other. I can’t remember if you still get to warp when only one of you makes it, but man, I just remember always trying to make it to that rocket and celebrating like hell whenever we did.

I think probably my favorite memory in playing games is Goldeneye. When that game came out, I played it nonstop forever. My friends would spend the night every weekend and we’d play 4 player multiplayer all night without sleeping. It was the best time ever. And well I’m on the subject of Goldeneye, I remember being obsessed with unlocking the invincibility code that you get by beating the Facility level on hard mode in like 2 minutes or something. I spent a few days trying to unlock that code. My brother kept on telling me it’s impossible and I’d never do it, but I’m one persistent son of a bitch, and I did eventually unlock it. It’s probably my proudest accomplishment in gaming.

You blew my mind when you mentioned almost putting Bionic Commando in this game. Did the arm mechanics make it prohibitively difficult?

Yeah I don’t think there would have been a way to make it work due to the level design in Super Mario Bros since he can’t jump. If I do one of the other games I have planned and everything works out the way I want it too, he will be in it for sure.

What are your top 10 video games of all time?

Here are ten games I like in no particular order. I wouldn’t call them my top ten, but they’re some of my favorites:

Is there any question you’d love to answer, but no one’s asking it to you?

Yes, there is one actually. No one knows this, but the Exploding Rabbit logo is based on a real rabbit. His name is Squid and he is the coolest animal I ever met. He was my roommate’s pet rabbit during the development of the game. When I was having a hard time with the game, I would play with Squid and it would help me feel better. He is a psychotic bunny that doesn’t take shit from anyone and really likes to hump people. I don’t like when he humps me and I always have to kick him away, but other than that, he’s one badass mofo. You all should thank Squid for helping me to make the game and for giving my production company a name. Thank you, Squid!

Thank you so much for the interview and for the awesome questions. This gives me something fun to do during this stressful time of getting hundreds of emails and requests. Thank you everyone for your support, and I cannot stress enough that if you like Super Mario Bros. Crossover, please subscribe to my blog or Twitter, or just keep an eye on me because I promise you one thing: I’m just getting started.

[Ed Note: Jay's other interview, which answers a whole bunch of other questions you might have about SMC - is here.]

On Valentine’s Day this year I was far from my girlfriend at the University of Michigan, with fellow Poptenner Peter Brauer, filming legendary game designer, Sid Meier, build a game from scratch in 48 hours. It was at once enlightening and inspiring to learn about his process. Now it’s here for everyone to bask in Sid’s beneficence.

He is one of the most acclaimed game designers of all time having created everything from Civilization I through IV, Pirates!, Railroad Tycoon, and dozens of other titles. Most recently he was the keynote speech at the Gamer Developer’s Conference in San Francisco where he discussed gamer psychology. Always a true believer in the idea that games will one day rule the world, Sid Meier wants to inspire a new generation of game designers. Namely the ones from his alma mater at Michigan which he returns to create a video game in 48 hours, and judge the entries for the “7th Annual Wolverine Soft 48hr Game Design Contest”. His son Ryan Meier, (at the time but no longer) president of the organization, co-hosts the event.

Sid first used a computer in Michigan when all there was were punch cards, print-outs, and one mistake cost hours of time. On that IBM mainframe he designed the first tic-tac-toe game, was chastised for using it to make games, and was nearly kicked out. The horrors!  After college Sid met Ace pilot Bill Stealey, challenged him to a game of “Red Baron” (a flight simulator), and beat him hands down. When Bill asked how Sid could win when he was the ace Sid replied, “I could see the algorithm the computer was using”. Bill responded, “Maybe we should start a game company” and so MicroProse was born in 1982.

In 1996 he founded Firaxis Games along with veteran designer and gaming executive Jeff Briggs. Sid was honored with an induction into the Computer Museum of America’s Hall of Fame in 2002, and he was the second person ever to be inducted into the Academy of Interactive Arts and Science’s “Hall of Fame” for Lifetime Achievement in 1999. Recognized around the world as the “Father of Computer Gaming,” Sid has been honored with virtually every award in the industry.  He is often recognized by industry experts as one of the industry’s “Game Gods.”

1. To download the finished games click here.
2. To read an interview with the winners of the contest click here.

First there was Victor’s post on top Geek Anthems, which was echoed soon after in a way too suspicious post on CNN’s website. So it’s my turn to chime in.  And then there were three.

But this is not a tale of two blog posts, Victor already covered that. The best laid plans of mice and men don’t always work out, sometimes things fall apart, sometimes people’s original work gets left behind in a series of unfortunate events.

I ain’t saying that was plagiarism. It’s hard to figure out exactly where that line is anyways, and it’s not like there’s a guide for the perplexed lying around. It’s a good topic though, good excuse to come up with a top ten list of my own.

But there are just so many to choose from. Since that last row started with music, and that’s something I spend a lot of time thinking about, how about we keep with that.

10. Jamiroquai

This one’s too easy it almost seems unsporting. When is something plagiarism and when is it an homage? I’m sure he’d be the first to admit that he’s spent his life trying to be Stevie Wonder. I can think of worse goals, and he does get pretty fly for a white guy. It’s almost silly to link, it’s everything, the entire catalog. But for a little refresher:

9. Led Zeppelin

Now what do you say when you’re faced with one of the most talented and original bands of a generation, who almost singlehandedly created an entire genre of music and are probably up there with Elvis Presley and The Beatles as a group that forever altered everything that came after them, and did things nobody had done before and nobody has done since.

But… maybe took a few liberties with giving proper credit, especially early on, and according to some actually lifted from their contemporaries, not just old blues songs they probably assumed were considered tribute rather than copying.

Hard to say, but they have to be included, there’s enough evidence here and here or actually listen to some very interesting snippets at this Top 10 style blog post, though you’ll have to remember or re-search a lot of the clips that have been pulled down. The originals cited are the interesting part though. Here’s one:

Wait that post I linked to was a Top 10? Ugh, see how hard it is to be original?

Regardless, I’ll stand by the opening line — in the balance Zep was wildly original, that’s clear enough, but there’s some compelling stuff above, and more importantly, it’s only fair given my plans for a savage beat-down of the #1 entry. You’ll have to wait for that.

8. The Strokes

Back to shooting fish in a barrel for  moment. It’s hard to find much original about the Strokes. If you own a Television album that is. But this side-by-side remains the gold standard:

7. Oasis Vs. The Beatles

Continuing the “firm grasp of the obvious” in plagiarism theme we come to Oasis, who managed to channel the bubblegum pop side of the Beatles, the subtlety of a 2×4, and the good natured familial bliss of the Bible’s Genesis Chapter 4 with an intoxicating blend of smug arrogance and idiocy so distinctive I think it deserves its own dedicated word in the dictionary.

Again, the videos do the talking. Come on guys, couldn’t you have at least picked a different color?

6. George Harrison

Turnabout is fair play, in an easy segue, we come to George Harrison’s own run-in. This one resulted in a lawsuit. One Mr. Harrison didn’t win mind you.

5. Steely Dan: Ricky Don’t Lose That Number

Nowdays we might call this sampling. But this wasn’t made nowdays was it. Save some time, the first 20 seconds should tell you all you need to know.

4. CreedPearlJam

This would be a pitiful footnote if it wasn’t for the fact that Creed somehow managed to sell tens of millions albums and fill stadiums, which makes it a painful reality worthy of the top half of our list. The inclination is to barrage you with Pearl Jam and Creed comparisions, but let’s break from the A/B format for a moment and try to show why this actually matters. A guy that can sing could have been on this stage getting deserved attention. Skip to about 59 seconds in:

(PS – This one spawned one of my favorite headlines in awhile)

3. Nickelback vs. Nickelback

Sometimes a level of musical awfulness is reached where there are no antecedents, where sounding like someone else — anyone else — would actually be a major improvement. But when you’ve dedicated and sacrificed your entire life to reach the highest levels of suck then sometimes you reach a lower bound. When you’re as bad as it’s possible to be, logic dictates that changing anything would make you slightly better. It’s just an attribute of being unable to get any worse.

In that case, you’re presented with no choice for a follow up but to suck in the same way:

If you’re listening in stereo and have a balance (left/right) adjustment alternate one speaker with the other to hear what’s going on here. It ain’t pretty)

2. The Amazing Story Of the “Amen Break”

This has to be one of the most intriguing plagiarism stories in modern/popular musical history. How did a few second drum break from a semi-obscure soul side come to span half a dozen genres, and actually create a few from scratch. Don’t ask me, ask the creator of this amazing video:

1. Whitesnake: In The Still Of The Night

I’ll admit it, some of my first tentative forays into being a hardcore music geek began with hair metal. I mean sue me, what do you think is going to happen when you schedule childbirth so your kid comes to peak adolescent music acquisition age in 1987 or so.

Sorry I missed out on the Cure until later, I couldn’t afford black nail polish at the time. But I do remember some kind of big dust-up over someone named Robert Plant calling the guy from the band Whitesnake “David Cover Version.” (Yup, tis true)

I didn’t get it.

But boy do I now — the brazenness of this one hasn’t dimmed one bit a quarter century on. In a crowded field where being original is nearly impossible and ripoffs abound, this one still wins by miles.

See if you can spot the references. Or just refer to the while you watch cheat sheet below…

Play by play…

Oh my god look at him, did he actually steal the hair, I mean literally with scissors, or… OK then, here we go, the song kicks off with solo vocals, alternates with guitar riff. Everyone hears Black Dog here. That’s old news, but did you catch the opening riff of Immigrant Song in there too? Whoa.

Alright then, song kicks along, clearly derivative but it’s got a groove to it, nobody’s perfect… let’s see…

Oh snap! At the 2:00 mark things really start to get ugly. The signature Plant-style octave spanning vocal sweep is bad enough, but the breakdown? Are you really going to do that hi-hat thing and cymbal chime thing [mid-section, Whole Lotta Love] and then at the same time do the “Oooh Baby” [Led Zeppelin, Every Song Ever Recorded: 1968-1980] thing? I mean really?

Face palm. We haven’t even hit the halfway mark yet.

Moving along, it’s time to bring in the fake string section keyboards. Aha, looks there were copies of In Through The  Our Door and Physical Graffiti lying around  [All Of My Love, Kashmir]. Then again, keyboards were still kind of novel even then, lots of bands were experime….

WAIT HOLD ON PRESS STOP FOR A SECOND WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SEE? Oh lord no he didn’t. Pause video, click back to 3:43 mark. Yes that’s what it was, the dude is pretending to play guitar with a f’king violin bow. Yougottabekidding. There is one person officially authorized to do that, Jimmy Page (fine, also Nigel Tufnel). Mr. AquaNet I regret to inform you that are not one of them.

Does this song really still have two minutes left to go? They must just physically tired from this level of larceny by now. Reassuringly the guitar solo rips off someone new, Eddie Van Halen. No worries, by the mid-80′s, literally everyone on the planet wanted that sound, hell Michael Jackson couldn’t help himself. Excusable. OK, drummer turns the beat around (getting better there guys, but you never did realize what made Black Dog so f’king amazing did you? It was apparent simplicity underpinned by totally mind-bending time signature trickery. Sublety, you don’t has it.)

Now they’re vamping for an outro, they’ve made their mark by now right. This must be over. Oops, not really, let’s bring it on home (er, sorry) for the ending with some thick rifftastic action that sounds oddly familiar yet again. Couldn’t resist just one more hit off the pipe could you.

Breathtaking. Top that.

Science fiction movies voice our fear of what may come to pass if we don’t clean up our act (death, destruction, apocalypse), and express our hope for a decent life on planet earth (or other planets) should we choose the right path. In other words, SF can inspire strong opinions about the future of the human race. It can even create belief systems as powerful and pompous as religion. Just look at L. Ron Hubbard.

When I was a kid, instead of quoting Bible passages for spiritual guidance, sometimes my family quoted Star Wars. Imagine the scene in my chaotic house: sink overflowing with dishes, something burning on the stove, dogs tearing apart a trash bag, cats pooping in the basement. The only logical response was to shout, “3PO! 3PO! Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level!” (Hence my paranoia about technology, too.) Reciting lines from Episode IV didn’t necessary solve my family problems, but it did provide comic counterpoint.

More to the point, the Force seemed as plausible an explanation for how the universe hung together as any other ideology or philosophy that had reached the backwoods of rural New Hampshire. In fact, fictional characters like Yoda, Darth Vader, Hal 9000, E.T. felt as real to me as anything else. Raised on monster movies and Cineplex fare, I happily let lines of science fiction dialogue infect my brain. I know they’ve corrupted yours.

But which lines from SF movies have reached mythic status? Which ones have truly made a permanent stain on our cultural fabric? In my search for the best, most indelible SF movie quotes ever, here were my criteria:

1) The quote had to be memorable.

2) It had to show staying power over the years.

3) And it had to be a line you and I might use in everyday life to punctuate our humdrum lives with irony, drama, and humor.

(Oh, and number 4: it had to appear in a SF movie, not TV show or book.)

In my humble opinion, here are the ten best. I expect you might quibble with my picks, but heck, that’s what these lists are all about. As I discovered (to paraphrase one famous phrase), the more I tightened my grip on this top ten list, the more quotes slipped through my fingers.

10) “Klaatu barada nikto” — The Day the Earth Stood Still

One of the most famous commands in all of science fiction. In the 1951 classic The Day the Earth Stood Still, “Klaatu barada nikto” are the three secret words Klaatu (Michael Rennie) passes on to Helen Benson (Patricia Neal); they’re a kind of failsafe code that keeps the robot Gort from destroying the Earth. Good to know. Memorization of this phrase should be required along with the Pledge of Allegiance, your Social Security number, and the Lord’s Prayer — just in case.

9) “I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.” — 2001: A Space Odyssey

In the 1968 Stanley Kubrick film 2001: A Space Odyssey (based on the novel by Arthur C. Clarke), the super-smart HAL 9000 computer thinks that the humans might blow their mission to Jupiter. So, HAL begins to off the crew members one by one. When Dave Bowman heads out for a spacewalk to rescue his buddy, HAL locks him out. Hence, Bowman’s famous line: “Open the pod bay doors, HAL.” To which HAL replies, “I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.” HAL’s passive monotone clinches this as the creepiest line ever said by a computer.

“I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time… like tears in rain… Time to die.” — Blade Runner

Right before he dies, replicant Roy Batty (Rutger Hauer) waxes poetic to Decker (Harrison “Am I a replicant, too?” Ford) about his life’s adventures in one of most bittersweet lines ever said in SF. Then in rainy cyber-punk Los Angeles, circa 2019, a pigeon or dove flies off into a rare patch of blue sky, all to the dreamy score by Vangelis. Nary a geek in the house can escape with dry eyes.

7) “Doo-Do-DOO-Do-DUMMM” — Close Encounters of the Third Kind

I know, this isn’t technically a line of dialogue, it’s a few bars of music (I’m stretching the category here), but jezum, when I saw Close Encounters of the Third Kind in the theater back in 1977 and that big mother ship landed on Devil’s Tower and began to play a cosmic game of “Name that Tune” with the scientists, the musical orgasm blew my mind. After seeing Close Encounters, Americans never looked at the night sky the same way again. Hear that refrain today and, guaranteed, you’re transported back to the innocent days of UFO sightings, government cover ups and mashed potatoes sculptures.

6) “Get away from her, you bitch!” – Aliens

Yes, James Cameron loves his women (or does he have a mother complex?). In the ultimate cat-fight smack-down, Ellen Ripley, protecting the little feral girl Newt, makes her grand re-entrance, borrowing a hydraulic forklift crab walker to take on the baddest momma alien of all. If you like your heroines Rambo macho and buff, Aliens (1986) was a giant leap forward for feminist science fiction. If you measure the progress of women’s roles in Hollywood by another yardstick, you might have found trash-talking Sigourney Weaver a bit much. Whatever your take, that line was an instant classic.

5) “Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!” — Planet of the Apes

As George Taylor, Charlon Heston gets to utter this, the first words ever spoken by a human to the apes! That’s right. It may be 1968 in the real world (sexual revolution, student protests, that sort of thing), but in Heston’s new-old topsy-turvy world, he’s imprisoned on an f-ed up planet run by apes, and the poor guy has to wear a loincloth. Now, wait a minute — either this is way, way in the future … or way, way in the past. Are the apes hippies? Do they belong to the NRA? Do their paws really stink? (And technically, they’re hands, not paws, right?). Use this line anytime anyone gets into your personal bubble. No means no.

4) “The needs of the many outweigh … the needs of the few… Or the one.” — Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

I know you wanted me to pick Captain Kirk’s immortal caterwaul, “KHAAANNNN!” But in this best of the old cast Trek movies, when Spock sacrifices his life (if you recall, by entering the irradiated zone of the Enterprise’s warp drive system to fix the main reactor, just in time of course), another great SF line was born. The quote is actually tag-teamed by Shatner and Nimoy, each speaking on one side of a transparent barrier. Spock says, “Do not grieve, Admiral. It is logical. The needs of the many outweigh …” to which Kirk adds, “the needs of the few,” and Spock ends with: “Or the one … ” Sniff! (Don’t worry, Spock won’t be dead for long.) Words to live by. Anyone for a Star Trek religion?

3) “E.T. phone home” — E.T.

I’ve said it. You’ve said it. Say no more. Enough said.

2) “I’ll be back” — The Terminator

Before the Governator was in charge of California, he had another deadly mission: to travel back in time to 1984 (the year I graduated from high school) to kill Sarah Connor. Perhaps his mission should have been to bump off Tom Selleck or Huey Lewis and the News instead? Of course, in later Terminator movies, Schwarzenegger gets all warm and fuzzy and fights for the good guys. “I’ll be back” might be the line used and abused more than any other from an SF film, much to the chagrin of girlfriends, wives and convenience store assistant managers everywhere.

1) ” Do… or do not. There is no try.” – The Empire Strikes Back

Many of us who saw Empire back in 1980 fondly remember this scene in the swamps of Dagobah featuring the whiny student, Luke Skywalker, and his impatient, diminutive, Kermit the Frog-like teacher, Yoda. What’s the problem? Luke can’t get it up (no, not that … the “it” is an X-wing sunken in the bog). Yoda, the Zen master, implores Luke “unlearn” what he has have learned. Luke: “All right, I’ll give it a try.” Yoda: “No. Try not. Do… or do not. There is no try.” And with those words, a non-CGI, green rubber puppet voiced by Frank Oz (the same guy who did Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Animal, Grover, Cookie Monster and Bert) inspired an entire generation to do what was beyond our skill, and believe in forces we can’t see or understand.

Ethan Gilsdorf is the author of the travel memoir / pop culture investigation Fantasy Freaks and Gaming Geeks: An Epic Quest for Reality Among Role Players, Online Gamers, and Other Dwellers of Imaginary Realms. More information at http://www.ethangilsdorf.com

(Tune in for my next post, my choices for the Top 10 Fantasy Movie Quotes)

Matt Ellsworth and I met while making Second Skin, a documentary I directed on virtual worlds. He’s one of the boys from Indiana who loves to game. Our conversations over the years have led to a few things, one of them was finding a common love for Johnnie Walker Black Label, and the second was a penchant for postulating about the future. From being obsessed with science fiction, black holes, and the internet to caring too much about Carl Sagan and Kurzweil. We’ve been desperately trying to look around the corner at what our next gen tech will look like. We handed this concept back and forth over the last few months each of us writing a little bit here and there. While we understand the overall difficulty with predicting a realistic future (even in one sector of technology) we’re excited to unleash a theory on the world.

The goal is surgically implanted data interfaces using nanotechnology. This would allow wired and/or wireless access to data networks similar to the Internet through direct sensory input by either stimulating appropriate receptors (i.e. optic, auditory nerves) or through links with the associates areas of the brain. The technology would likely begin as a series of external accessories such as viewing glasses and headphones; these would essentially be “souped-up” versions of their modern counterparts. Integration and acceptance of these kinds of devices has already begun, primarily in the areas of electronic gaming, scientific research, and military training (i.e. “virtual reality” helmets and tactile feedback gloves). The advances in our technology in some cases have been developed to help those with serious injuries or disabilities.

Applications for this hardware will be created and extend its uses from simple tasks to much more involved ones. For example, an interactive google map, coupled with a satellite GPS system, and a set of on board sensors in your car will allow you to drive it remotely to any destination. Simultaneously, you could be chatting with 1 or more of your friend’s wirelessly, and playing a video game tournament with yet others. In fact, I think the ability to multi-task in the future is going to create a real divide between older generations and newer ones. What follows is a test of brain to brain communication through a computer interface. The result is what one might consider elementary telepathy.

The current step in the evolution towards implanted interfaces is the trend towards multifunction smartphones and low-cost personal media players and netbooks. The next iteration will be focused on enhancing the mobile web browsing experience in an augmented reality. Picture Facebook or Twitter feeds implanted on real life through clear screens that help disseminate information faster. A handheld device in a few years will most likely be paper thin, translucent may look something like this, but with an interactive screen with multiple ways to guide its behavior.

It will provide extra interactivity with the existing World Wide Web and content designers will begin to customize their designs to better take advantage of its capabilities (as they already have with the iPhone); these capabilities will almost certainly be combined with other functions, such as a phone or music player, rather than the device serving as a dedicated Internet browsing device or the aforementioned personal media player. A single hardware manufacturer will likely dominate the field in the beginning, with the lure of licensing fees and governmental regulation quickly bringing in new competitors. As more manufacturers produce the devices and they reach a larger portion of the populace they will supplant the mobile phone as the must-have portable electronic device. As the complexity and prevalence of these devices increases, so too will the demand for services taking advantage of its capabilities. Existing telecom providers, especially current cellular phone companies, will continue increasing wireless data access speeds to meed the growing demand. As of right now we even have conducted tests on monkeys who can us BCI devices.

The progressive advancements of technology make it difficult to anticipate the new forms of what a cellular phone may look like in just a few years, but I posit that its evolution could be in glasses. At CES this year Vuzix displayed a 2d/3d augmented reality experience that lacked incredible programs, but pointed to a very tactile virtual/real space. Certainly some sort of video overlay much closer to  our eyes in the form of glasses or contact lenses will become normal. These devices will pick up signals from ‘the cloud’, and receive their electricity wirelessly. These waves and how they bounce off of each other will also track distance between one responder and another. Our hands could have receiver devices in the form of a ring or gloves that would allow for any surface to become an interactive space. The lens and its connection to one’s hands could create difficulties in full awareness in both spaces although toggling between one world and the other would be as simple as saying a word or a specific motion. Much like braces, in the future, we could have a ring around a molar that would allow for uttered words to become commands.

The change from physical devices to embedded or nanotechnology I believe will be steeped in good reason. The most innocent of which is the pursuit of helping those with serious injuries, trauma, debilitating diseases, or physical disabilities. This changeover will happen over the next decade, and we’ll be seeing incredible strides in the field by 2020. Having nanotechnology working within us will have two likely advantages: First, like our cells, these small bionic bodies will be capable of surviving on their own, fixing themselves, and will not need to be replaced or repaired. Second, the proximity and ability to interact with our neurons so closely with create a symbiosis with our bodies that cannot be replicated by outside interference.

Deep societal impacts and ethical issues will be gradual and mostly unnoticed until the leap to completely implanted devices is made. A world in which these effects are obvious and widespread would definitely be a lot more dramatically satisfying, but don’t seem as likely until the truly scary device comes out that switches us over to being truly immersed in both realities. It wouldn’t necessarily have to be a radical difference, either; class divisions in America today aren’t really a hot-button issue on a day to day basis, but they’re definitely real and sometimes quite dramatic in individual cases.

Much as the Internet has come to have an impact on nearly every aspect of daily life in developed nations, these data interfaces will bring a myriad of changes to the world. Many will be improvements that enrich people’s daily experiences with their world and with each other, but as with any technology, there will be darker sides to be dealt with as well. While society will be profoundly changed by this technology, it will be in subtle ways.

Overall, the speed at which we build technology and devices is exponential. In this sense market niches will divide and create new world orders (a Google for the next gen). The following are descriptions of areas of American society most impacted by data interfaces:

• Economic/class divisions
  • Existing divisions between individuals and families of varying economic standing will be thrown into sharper relief than at any previous period in history. The presence and quality of an individual’s data interface will become the single greatest determining factor in quality of life.
  • Society as a whole will see great increases in overall quality of life, but class differences will be thrown into sharper relief than ever before as those without interfaces form a disenfranchised, disadvantaged underclass.
  • We will also see a growing chasm with those who want to adopt these sorts of devices, and those who do not want such interaction.

• Education
  • Modern classrooms and lecture halls will be almost unrecognizable.
  • Primary and secondary schools will continue, for the most part, to be held in physical buildings because of the need for children to develop physically and socially, though “remote education” will achieve wide acceptance.
  • Many physical classroom materials, such as pencils, textbooks, and chalkboards, will be replaced by virtual equivalents.
  • Younger students will still have physical crafts and activities, but by junior and senior high school almost all instruction will take place through data interfaces.
  • Homework assignments and tests will be distributed and turned in through an encrypted e-mail style system, and special hardware and software will be implemented to block outside data access when necessary to help curb cheating.
  • Students from poor backgrounds, unable to afford the best interface hardware and software options
    • Federal and state aid programs will try to bridge this divide, but will be unable to meet the needs of the population
  • Most activities will not be teacher oriented but rather group task oriented.
  • Individualized focus for each student on a 1:1 level will be achieved through software/curriculum creators
  • Students will be engaged with direct learning and apprenticing through A.I. mentors.
    • They will begin contributing professional materials much earlier through this method of learning
    • Students of engineering will learn at their own pace
    • A more democratic education will allow for hyper specialization
  • A board of teachers for individual subjects will be given the ability to program better A.I. teachers.
    • A rise in the need for psychological care among our youth will lead to more integrated programs
    • Common issues such as anxiety, depression, and anger management will be part of core psychological learning courses
    • Leadership, problem solving, and self-direction will be used as guidelines for all courses
  • The margins of error will be diminished by a complete change to digital mediums
  • The results of our schooling will be an ongoing challenge with metrics being created on a day to day level.
  • Our programs will have the capacity for agile change

Business

• BCI implants will become commonplace because fellow co-workers without these interfaces will be unable to compete
• The modern businessman will have nearly nothing to lug back and forth on business trips other than a few changes of clothes.
• Cloud computing will allow for hands free use of much smaller CPU’s tucked away in a pocket.

Media

• With the change in wireless speeds it could be that we record absolutely everything from birth.
• Media will have new meaning as experience of life becomes too segmented to follow.
• Films like ‘The Truman Show’ will crop up in much different ways.
  • Already on YouTube there are groups of friends who create channels that are simply their lives working together.
• People will tune in on news media in geographical ways.
  • When a crisis is happening various people in those areas will allow live access to their channel.
    • Similar to when Iran’s twitter users were able to relay what they were seeing live during the revolution
  • Finding these ‘channels’ will be simple and your eyes will be linked to their ‘sight’.
    • The experience will be completely visceral.
    • Wars will be viewed on a very personal level.
• Pop Culture will have highly specialized curators
  • With a growing world population – the ability to focus on world occurrences will be next to impossible.
  • A canon of websites will curate the content from other sites.

Our cells will be host to nanotechnology throughout the entire human body, and essentially we’ll be one with biotechnology. The most concentrated points of contact (in so far as how psychologically we perceive the world) like our hands, eyes, mouth, nose, and face will be the most sensitive areas.

• How the technology looks
  • A person may look at the surface quite normal with little to no sign of digital attachment. In fact since most of the body would be infused the sensations of being in a real space or a digital space would be almost innate. Revolving through both places would be a matter of neurally agreeing to be accessing one place or the other, and to what degree.
  • In some cases you may want to be completely immersed. At this point it would be necessary to have a completely intuitive way to guide yourself through a virtual space while still living fully in the real space.
  • It would look like real life now in one sense, but our eyes could “see” overlays everywhere. Our hands would literally have so many nano-computers in it that any subtle gesture would be sensitively felt in our digital space. In this way our hands would act as active mice with many more data points. They would have infinite palettes at their disposal. Our hands would have an overlay right underneath them. We’d be able to see the words come up above where they were. Absolutely any surface could be a keyboard. Your eyes could immerse with others into a film. You’ll always be in complete contact with absolutely everyone you know.
• Seeing someone else in the real space will have infinitely more meaning as we grow into our digital world. Without the need to be in true human contact a certain amount of respect will be put on the ‘home visit’. Much like a business meeting today where people go to meet with others all the time.

To finish I thought it appropriate to salute the men and women at the forefront of robotics, and am most intrigued how we couple our advances in BCI with robotics in the coming years. Come 2015 I would like to have my own R2D2 that understands me better than R2 ever could get Luke.

The geek have officially inherited the Earth, as was prophesied in Psalms 37:7 (more or less) so many bearded men ago.  It’s a fairly recent thing, having happened somewhere between Google’s ascent to ubiquity, the second installment of the Lord of the Rings trilogy and the eyebrow-raising popularity of Weird Al’s White & Nerdy. And since history is told by the victor, I figured I should try rounding up the soundtrack to geeks’ most epic of victories.  Which is a surprisingly monumental task, mostly because I’m realizing that there are so many subgenres to geek music.

In researching this list, I came up with a few categories for Geek Anthems: Mainstream Geek Jams, Geek Metal, Nerdcore Rap, Video Game Themes and Meme Songs.  (Hip Hop’s geekery-masked-as-hardcore is a whole different post.  At the end of the day, who’s really made geekiness more legit than the Wu Tang Clan?)

Now for the second challenge- how to quantify what makes one geek anthem better than the next.  Popularity?  Geekiness of lyrics?  Hardcoreness of dorkitude?  Sheer bombastic nerdery?  Nostalgia factor?

I did my best.  I’m sure I’ll hear some flack over my choices, what I forgot (let me know) and the order- but the title says Top Ten, and so shall I attempt it.  Because the choice was so hard, I have a whole section at the bottom full of geek anthems that should’ve been Top Ten.

10. Ramble On – Led Zeppelin

You’re listening to one of the greatest songs by the best band of all time, maybe for the first time, maybe for the five hundredth.  You’re vaguely aware that it’s about wandering around, that it involves a girl, and that it’s as mind-blowingly brilliant as everything from the factory of Led.  But this time you decide to actually pay attention to the lyrics.  And you’re about 3/4ths through the songs when it hits.  Mordor?  Gollum?  Evil one?  This whole song takes place in Middle fucking Earth?!?  I’ve seen the resulting grin at least three times, usually while driving around with a buddy.  And it’s always ear to ear.  Geekgasmic.

9. The Neverending Story Theme

So many of us second-wave geeks can trace our choice to go geek right back to this moment.  Its 1984, we’ve spent the last six years caught up in Star Wars euphoria, the NES is right around the corner, and this movie/song drops.  Reading wouldn’t be this cool to kids again for twenty-odd years, until a certain bespectacled wizard showed up on the scene.  But for this formative moment in so many of our lives, being geeky meant getting to ride huge schnauzer-snouted dragons, chasing douchebags into dumpsters, and skipping school to hang out in creepy attics instead.  What choice was there, really?

8. MC Frontalot’s Entire Ouevre

The man who basically birthed and nurtured Nerdcore Rap, MC Frontalot is as geek god as they get.  I’ve had the distinct pleasure of hanging out with Damian on a couple of occasions, and the guy is as legit as he is resoundingly sweet.  If you’re not familiar with the man or his work, I’d suggest our buddy Negin Farsad’s incredible documentary Nerdcore Rising.  It’ll give you the what, why and how of Frontalot’s position at the front of the geek elite.  Lead those troops to victory, Damian.

7. Grow Up – Random

In a just world where MCs were judged solely by their skills, Random would sit on top of the heap.  I’m blown away by everything Raheem does, because whatever he touches turns sublime.  However, this song captures 21st Century Geekitude better than just about any other.  “I just can’t seem to grow up/ But you know what? / I don’t think I want to.”  The fact that it’s backed by a beat from Mega Man 2 and is an autobiographical geek Bildungsroman is just icing on the nerdtastic cake.

6. Through the Fire and the Flames

The retconned soundtrack to absolutely every epic fantasy battle, whether in book, movie, or in your friendly neighborhood D&D campaign.  Nothing tops this song in terms of heroic bombast- the next time you have to do battle against a horde of orcs, you know exactly what you’re blasting from that boombox on your (plate-mailed) shoulder.  If any single song has become the (fantasy) geek rallying cry, this is the one.  Geeks became aware of it gradually around its release, and then Guitar Hero shot it to geek stardom as it became the ultimate Boss Fight of 2007.  Personally, I won’t be happy until people re-edit every fantasy movie trailer to include it, like this.  I’m also hoping HBO’s ‘Song of Ice and Fire’ adapted series considers it for their theme song.  Make me proud, George RR Martin.

5. The Legend of Zelda Theme

Did Koji Kondo have any idea of what he was unleashing on the world in 1986?  A song that would be imitated, covered and worshipped by geeks until the end of time?  The most epic song that could be cranked out of an 8-bit system?  This is the theme song to so many geeks’ lives (and/or their ring tone of choice)- its place in the history books is more than secure.  And damn it makes for a thousand sweet electric guitar solos on YouTube.

4. White & Nerdy / Dare to Be Stupid – Weird Al

The undisputed king of geek music- I could get away with putting 5-9 of his songs on this list.  Whether you consider White & Nerdy or Dare to Be Stupid the anthem is almost purely a generational thing.  (I refrained from going super hardcore and putting Mellow When I’m Dead instead.)  Either way, they’re huge, they’re catchy as all hell, and they attract tons of weird looks when you belt them in the supermarket aisles.  And to add to its geek pedigree, Dare to Be Stupid was in the original Transformers: the Movie soundtrack.  Ba weep grana weep nini bong!

3. Meganerd – YTCracker

Were I to base this list only on geekiness, and discount popularity, this would be my #1 song- no contest.  The beats, flow and artistry are all top notch, but it’s the lyrics that get top honors.

hacking on computers disassembling stuff
paid off in the end now who got it rough
the beauty of the baud and the world of the switch
make a new generation of us geekstas rich
we owned those that made fun of us tried to make a run at us
beat us up in class said yea theres a ton of us
whos laughing now cuz most of us your bosses
the rest of you are flipping burgers smelling secret sauces

this is the life of a meganerd baby
we doing things and we making it happen right
from the trash 80 to a black mercedes
no one can stop us now cuz we keeping nerdy nice
this is the life of a meganerd baby
we doing things and we making it happen right
from the trash 80 to a black mercedes
no one can stop us now cuz we keeping nerdy nice

[Nab the rest of the lyrics here.]

It is to geeks what Dre’s “Nuthing But a G-Thang” was to West Coast 90s gangstas.  Defining.

2. In the Garage – Weezer

It’s tenth grade and I’m riding around suburban Maryland with my bro and mom.  We’ve just popped Weezer’s first album into the CD walkman that’s wired to our minivan’s tape player.  We’re trading air guitar solos to “Say It Ain’t So”.  And then this song drops, and suddenly I hear “Kitty Pride” and “Nightcrawler” coming out of the speakers-  and Rivers Cuomo pretty much sums up my brother and I’s lives in rhyme.  I knew immediately that this was The Geek Anthem.  It was a coming out song, basically.  And while most argue that Buddy Holly and Pinkerton cemented Weezer’s longevity, I humbly posit that it was In the Garage, and the generation of geeks it represented.

1. The Touch – Stan Bush

I hope to God that some smart Hollywood exec realizes how much money they’d make if they re-released the original Transformers movie to theaters.  Maybe even in 3D.  If this ever happened, I have to imagine that this song would cause the theaters to spontaneously combust out of sheer win factor, or at least cause communal heart attacks and rigor mortis smiles all over the world.  This is one for the ages.

What did I miss?

So many great geek anthems lost to the power of 10.  The ones I wish could’ve made it:

Still Alive (Portal’s theme song)

Nightfall by Blind Guardian

Super Mario Bros Theme Song (a toss-up between this one and Zelda)

Final Fantasy Theme Song

Mr. Roboto – Styx

Teenage Dirtbag – Wheatus

And this song you might not be aware of- Level Up by Zealous1

So what did I miss, and what horrible/amazing choices did I make?

How much does James Cameron ride George Lucas’ dick? Only enough to base an entire movie, Avatar, on the final battle sequence from the last good film in the Star Wars franchise, Return of the Jedi. Each film has its ragtag band of native creatures, each film pits basic bush weaponry against mechanized slaughter machines, each film has exploding trees. But here’s the real question: who kicked more ass, the Na’vi or the Ewoks?

SPOILER ALERT: This post may include revealing details of Star Wars: Episode IV – Return of the Jedi (1983). And if you haven’t seen Avatar (2009), I’d love to know your mortgage obligations on that cave in Antarctica.

The Conceit

When it comes to depictions of comfortingly anthropomorphic nature-loving creatures on a moon, we should know by now that Hollywood takes a purely American standpoint to race relations. Despite each film being set in either the distant future or a long time ago, the locals have some kind of spiritual awareness and one-ness with nature that we’ve just stone-cold raped and abandoned here on Earth because of our couch-potato, SUV-driving, gadget-addicted ways (though The Force is universal). That all represents a regression, you see, and petting the plants and animals in a loincloth is real, true living (I’m looking at you, Brauer).

In order to overcome the evil, evil baddies with their military industrial complexes and small genitalia syndromes, the locals need the leadership of a violently-inclined, handsome White Man. This is a given. But within that not-so-democratic militant insurgency, how do each of the alien races match up? Let’s do a comparison:

Physical capabilities: The Na’vi are ten feet tall, admirably lithe, have impressive athletic abilities, can breathe the local atmosphere, eat dinosaurs and possess carbon fiber bones. Their arm length also gives them a better range when using the bow and arrow. They also speak English (BIG advantage in the 22nd century). The Ewoks have a tough matted fur and may be herbivores. Opening point goes to the Na’vi.

15-love: Na’vi

Physical attractiveness to the White Man who will lead them: Herein lies the quintessential question of attractiveness – sexy or cute? The Na’vi have tight, athletic bodies, they wear skimpy clothes, they look like cats and they have anime eyes (not brown). So they’re hot, in a light-skinned blue people sort of way (read: not black), or at least hot enough for Jakesully to bone the princess. (Personally, I think he should have played the field a bit longer, you know, seen what’s on offer. After all, we are never introduced visually to a viable female competitor to Neytiri and the grass could be greener, er, blue-r on the other side.) On the other hand, despite their beady little eyes, the Ewoks are cute, cuddly and instantly lovable – 30 million Ewok lunchboxes sold and counting can’t be wrong – but they also have strength and courage in wartime. They’re like Teddy Ruxpin after hitting the gym hard for 6 months and doing a tour in Anbar province, and they convince the lady the White Man wants to bone (Princess Leia) that they are worthy. And The White Man knows that keeping the princess happy keeps The White Man happy. However, at the end of the day, cute can only very rarely be sexy, while sexy can easily be turned cute (hence the anime eyes). The Na’vi have it.

30-love: Na’vi

Extra Sensory Perception: When Leia first gains the trust of the Ewok by feeding him stale oyster crackers, he senses the hidden Stormtrooper snipers and ducks before they can fire. The entire Na’vi population, on the other hand, despite being able to fiber-optically interface with the whole goddamn planet, can’t detect an entire fucking armada of obnoxious flying machines until they come around the mountain into plain sight. The bugs in Aliens and Starship Troopers showed a bit more mental pluck than the Eiffel 65 rejects. Honk if you smell Ewok comeback!

30-15: Na’vi

Battle tactics: Why, oh why, must the underdog force always charge headfirst at the waiting enemy, thus suffering massive unnecessary casualties? Because it’s somehow more “honorable”? These are wars of attrition, folks, you win the way you can. I ask you: who won in the end: The Wolverines of Red Dawn (aka Al-Qaeda in America) or Tom Cruise and co. in The Last Samurai? Here, again, the Ewoks (unlike the rebel fleet flying above them) display much more tactical ingenuity, turning a hostage situation to their advantage, staging ambushes and hit-and-run style attacks, and using the enemy’s superior weapons against them by grabbing the lasers of fallen stormtroopers and commandeering speeders and AT-STs. The Na’vi run straight at the guns on their horses, or fly right into a mass of blasting helis, and subsequently get their asses kicked before being rescued by a bunch of sleep-deprived bird-dragons. If I shed a tear for each of the unnecessary Na’vi deaths, it would’ve filled the theater. The Ewoks tie it up!

30-30: Na’vi/Ewoks

Technological ability: In terms of living facilities, the Ewoks’ decentralized network of tree houses is the more sophisticated solution for forest dwellers. They are far easier to defend, move among, repair, relocate and reassemble than the ginormous Na’vi Hometree, as epic as that tree may have been. In their battle against Stormtroopers, armored AT-ST Walkers and speeders, all bearing lasers and precision guidance systems, the Ewoks showed a remarkable ability to create log-rolls, trip wires, somehow hung gigantic trees in the air (a marvelous feat of engineering for 3-foot tall furry circus rejects), fashioned flying devices for rock dropping and so on, all on very short notice. The Na’vi couldn’t think of any of that, despite that famed collective intelligence, and really didn’t use any of the natural environment around them to their advantage. Perhaps there’s some message in there about them not needing to fight or make weapons or something on their peaceful Pandorra, but then what’s with the tribal competitiveness? So much for that one-ness. The midget bears take this one.

40-30: Ewoks

Persuasive abilities regarding dangerous creatures: In most arenas, the big unknown is whether the lion/tiger/bear mauls you or your enemy first. While no vicious creatures seem to live on Endor, the other gnarly orthodontist’s nightmare of Jedi, the Rancor, played for their team, not ours. To extrapolate, the Ewoks may have kept small lizards as pets, but otherwise the wild animals decided to get the hell out of dodge when the shit when down. On Pandorra, however, the Na’vi can link their braid to many fearsome beasts such as the flying bird-dragon, the six-legged horse, the giant puma/doberman and the even bigger bird-dragon. In light of their apparent disregard for either technical cleverness or tactical creativity, this is their biggest advantage yet. Yee-haw, ride ‘em Na’vi!

Deuce

Openness to monotheism or religious conversion to such: Sorry, but in Hollywood not only does the White Man need your people to be bone-able and willing to be led to the slaughter, but he also needs to know you believe in One White Old Man Flying In The Sky in order to trust your pinko tree-hugging asses. The Na’vi believe in some real hippie shit, some kind of pantheistic earth mother organic crunchy one-ness that sounds great in Williamsburg or Silverlake, but look, is it going to defeat Islamic extremists or Chinese gunships? I mean, the Na’vi even say that Mother Nature will only maintain the balance of life – whether that includes us or not is just not written down in a book that we must obey. They don’t even write at all for Christ’s sake! The Ewoks bow down to a Golden droid (the White Man’s most magnificent creation, an image of himself, only more perfect) floating above them yammering like a crackhead – in a very White Old Man voice. I think we know who’s with us and who’s against us. Most impressive, young Ewoks.

Advantage: Ewoks

Ability to “Finish the Job”: When Big Bird-Dragon Rider Jakesully and the Na’vi defeat the ugly American army types and their corporate boss on Pandorra, they send them packing back to… the orbital death platform to stage a massive counterstrike/nuke-the-whole-site-from-orbit-it’s-the-only-way-to-be-sure? At that point in the film, I wasn’t exactly convinced things were “over”, though I had to pee so badly I literally sprinted out of the theater before the credits even began to roll, so “so long folks” was good enough. In retrospect, leaving it open-ended foreshadows the possibility of a sequel. But c’mon, if the whole message of Avatar is this condemnation of corporate exploitation of natural environments/peoples, yet this the most corporate, big budget consumer blockbuster success ever conceived, hasn’t an equally wasteful sequel already been shot? Mixed messages anyone? In Jedi, however, the Ewoks git ‘er done, as they say, taking out the shield generator, thus allowing the Rebel Alliance to blow up the Death Star and save not just the forest, but the entire fucking galaxy. It’s all a matter of scale, and in this case the little furries go B-I-G. Ewoks: Mission Accomplished.

Point, set, match: Ewoks

Come with me, friends, to another time. Let’s say 1998ish. Ross and Rachel rule the airwaves, ER is hailed as the Best Drama Evar. As the sun sets on Seinfeld, critics mourn its passing, proclaiming that we’re not likely to see a show of its brilliance ever again.

I watched an episode of Seinfeld yesterday. It’s still funny, despite the canned laughter. But it’s also… quaint. When I think about the strides that TV has made in this intervening decade, my head hurts. If I were to go back and tell my 1998-self that some of the most hilarious, insightful, and involving stories I’ve ever seen would be serialized and pumped into my living room, I’d never believe me.

And yet it’s true. This decade has been a (if not THE) Golden Age for television. When our viewing options exploded into a thousand cable channels, the limitations on what television SHOULD do fell away, and we got some of the best dramas, comedies, dramediodocs and everythingelses of all time.

First off, apologies: here’s a collection of runner-ups for the list.

30 Rock
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Chappelle’s Show
Family Guy
Six Feet Under
House
Glee
Modern Family
The Office
Entourage
The CSI Megacomplex
Firefly
Deadwood

Look at all that quality… that list includes some of the funniest/saddest/craziest/most insanely profitable shows I’ve ever seen. Ten years ago, any of them could have been #1. So what rose to the top (in one TV addict’s unsolicited opinion)? Scroll on.

10. South Park

I’ll admit it… when South Park first started up, in the pre-Butters days, I wasn’t a fan. The art style got in the way of my enjoyment… I couldn’t see why it was so funny to see a cluster of raggy circles and triangles say “ass” twenty times in a half-hour. But over the course of the years, Parker, Stone and team have consistently stepped up their game.

Now even a former hater has to admit… they are satirical masters. From an episode about World of Warcraft created using footage from the actual game, to an insane apocalyptic global-warming parable starring a cast of head lice, they are fearless in their creativity. Added bonus for creating most of their episodes in UNDER ONE WEEK, sometimes incorporating headlines from less than 24 hours before airing.

9. Mad Men

It came out of nowhere. From the setting (late 1950′s New York, in the heart of the budding advertising culture) to the characters (pasty cookie-cutter businessmen and wives who slowly unravel into fascinating, unique individuals) to the network (AMC? Don’t you have a John Wayne marathon to run?), this show was completely original, completely unexpected.

Nonetheless, it’s the most compelling period-piece of the decade… not only because the art direction is amazing (it is) but because it refuses to dumb down the past. Lesser shows will use the social trends of their day as straw men for lame morality plays. Not Mad Men. These dudes smoke incessantly around kids. They ash their Camels on babies… they’re unapologetic, aftershave-scented chimneys. They don’t give a fuck! Because in the 1950′s, no one knew better. And yet seeing those behaviors go unmentioned really nails home both the differences and the parallels between their world (a society on the brink of an immense and undefinable sea change) and ours (ditto).

8. Dexter

A show about a lovable, crime-scene-analyst serial killer… it sounds like a parody of a failed FX pilot. And yet this pitch-black suburban remix of the Batman myth slides into the number eight spot… why?

First, because Michael C. Hall is brilliant in it. He brings light and depth to a character that, on paper, should be utterly hateable. Second, because it consistently balances its drama and comedy better than any other show of its time. Third, because it reaches beyond its concept: if it’s a show about a man who’s afraid to reveal the serial killer inside him, it’s just as much a field guide to the social masks and facades that we wear as we enter adulthood, and the way we deal with them. And last, because it may be the structurally tightest show I’ve ever seen… each of the four seasons is a brilliantly paced self-contained arc. At the end of each, as they wrapped the last loose thread, I wondered “what can they do now?” Then the next season came, and blew me away again.

7. Arrested Development

#7, and we’re already into shows that, in a sane world, would top the list. Arrested Development is the great comedy of our time. There it is, on the table. Why? Let me count the reasons. Will Arnett’s as Job, who has seared Final Countdown into my memory for life, Michael Cera, who before his overexposure was the most painfully perfect thirteen year old imaginable, Jason Bateman as the most entertaining straight man I’ve ever seen, and of course David Cross as the most entertaining “straight man” I’ve ever seen. I could go on to list the entire cast… the ensemble works flawlessly together.

But it’s Mitchell Hurwitz’s stories, with their endless creativity, devices and self-references, that make the whole thing work. The show is so amazingly complex and subtle that half of each episode is told through voiceover exposition… and yet, on each rewatch, I still catch something new each time.

6. Battlestar Galactica

The opening miniseries starts out with evil robots plotting to destroy human civilization. What separates Battlestar from every other sci-fi epic out there? Within the first three episodes, these robots succeed. Damn, I wish I’d thought of that setup.

Among the Battlestar fans there are many, many people who swore they would never watch a sci-fi (or SciFi) series. This show changed our perception of the genre: it’s more about difficult human dillemas than abstract concepts, and more about faith than science. The main spokesman for “rationality” is a narcissistic Jesus-clone who talks to nonexistent supermodels. For that alone, BSG deserves a Nobel prize.

The remains of mankind are constantly faced with Sophie-esque choices… “who should get the last of our oxygen,” etc. Luckily there are fantastically written characters, jaw-droppingly awesome space battles, plenty of spot-the-Cylon mysteries, and Edward James Olmos’ cratery mug to make that heavy moral load not only bearable, but fascinating.

5. The West Wing

Ah, West Wing. You are the Kindest of all shows. You are a warm glass of political milk. It’s an increasingly rare thing to find an hour of TV that is both idealistic and whip-smart, but for its seven seasons the West Wing more than managed the task.

In season one, Martin Sheen/Jeb Bartlett talks incessantly about what he wants to do with his presidency, and he keeps coming back to the idea of “the great debate”. An open and honest exchange of ideas to discover the best possible path for his country. This mission statement may as well have come straight from Aaron Sorkin’s own mouth. The characters in the West Wing are fantastically written and acted, but as they wander the halls, talking at light speed about NEA funding and women’s rights in the Middle East, it becomes clear that the real stars of the West Wing are the issues. The West Wing was comfortable being hilarious, tragic, and everything in between, but it also takes on the responsibility of making us smarter. We need more shows like this.

4. Lost

Lost is my favorite show. Whether it DESERVES to be my favorite show is something that remains to be seen in 2010, when the last season finally hits the airwaves. But for the sake of this list, let’s not debate whether it all adds up or not, or hypothesize about the shape of things to come. Let’s take it as it is, and look at why it warrants a place on this list.

In its first season, Lost was a show about a group of plane-crash survivors. These tattered Gap models used to be the main characters, and the show used the device of the flashback to unravel them piece by piece, and juxtapose who they had become, in thus new, unknowable context, against who they used to be. Make no mistake, this show was utterly amazing. Every new hour added a new human dimension to the proceedings, coupled with some utter smoke-monster mindfuck to make your pupils dilate.

By the time the third season rolled around, however, a clear shift had taken place: this was a show about an island. There were no other central characters, only character-shaped pieces being shuffled around an ornate backgammon board. This, I believe, is the true reason the show lost much of its following: their labyrinthine story began to drive the human element, instead of vice versa.

So we can agree: the show’s not perfect. A good episode’s amazing, a bad episode is… really bad. But even a detractor has to admit, Lost is unparalleled in its ambitions. The plot is the most complex I’ve ever witnessed, weaving endless substories and mysteries across five seasons. Their mastery of the hour-long form is pitch-perfect: though they constantly play with their structure, each episode has a carefully controlled narrative arc. But perhaps most important is the pioneering work they did to poke holes in the barrier between audience and show. An episode of Lost doesn’t end at the confines of its hour-long block: there are a web of literary allusions, clues and meta-fictions sprinkled through each episode, to deepen, clarify, or in some cases, further cloud, the big picture. Lindelof, Cuse and Co. are doing more than just hashing out a series… they’re creating a strange parallel world, and inviting us to buy real estate.

3. The Sopranos

And at last, we get to HBO. The network that led an amazing arms race of quality, reclaiming the phrase “TV Drama” and beginning a snowball effect that took us beyond hour-long conundrums and happy endings, and into the deep end. The Sopranos was their first smash hit, psychoanalyzing the American fascination with mob movies via the fascinating character of Tony Soprano.

As a character study, as a moving oil painting of New Jersey, as a three-ring circus of gruesome Italian-American death rattles, the Sopranos reigns supreme. If you want a grand summary of it all, however, look elsewhere- look ANYwhere. Ten seconds of black screen and silence, ten seconds of nothing on this show has generated a host of essays and commentary smarter than anything I’ll ever write, and totalling more words than I’ll type out in my lifetime. Me, I remember the simple things. The way Adrianna pronounced “Christofuh”. The way Tony was always eating proscuitto straight out of a bag. The way AJ’s eyebrows got more archy and annoying each season (whoops, spoiler). Yep, Sopranos is more than worthy of #3.

2. The Wire

Each of you out there probably either has, or IS, a friend who rants and raves about it. If somehow you’ve missed the gospel, let me tell you now: you cannot top, you cannot stop, The Wire. As Victor said in his Top Ten Storytellers post, this is the great American novel televised. Unforgettable characters, from the secretly British McNulty right down to the openly awesome Omar Little. Dialogue that is culture-conscious and real yet constantly surprises with its cleverness and strange moments of poetry. A constantly evolving story that does these people justice, even if its sometimes painful to watch. These things would have been enough. But David Simon and Co. went beyond a ridiculously good drama… they gave us a show with a mission.

The Wire is all about exposing systems, bringing all the hypocrisies and bureaucracies that make our world grind to a halt run into the cold light of day. Starting with the interdependent drug enforcement and dealer culture as a baseline, they go on to take a hard look at unions, smuggling, politics, the education system and the media that regurgitates and sensationalizes it all. They draw the arrows between them, and they point out the places where self-interest breaks it all down. Of course, spelled out this way, it sounds like a drag… but in my experience, burning through episode after episode in fascination, this correspondence course in the school of Hard Times never felt tedious. It’s one of the few shows that manages to be both brutally honest and entertaining.

Speaking of honest and entertaining…

1. The Daily Show with John Stewart

Yep. Despite the leaps and bounds made in the realm of TV drama, the Daily Show is my #1. Because it takes a true genius to take reality with all its pockmarks and grease-stains, and make it hilariously bearable four days a week. We all know that traditional news media is in a state of utter disrepair… most of us don’t fully trust it any more, and so many of us are tempted to simply ignore the ticker-tape of current events. John Stewart and company spares us that impulse. He coats our medicine in sugar for us… but not before showing us exactly what’s in it.

I know, I know. The Daily Show should not be a primary news source. I know it’s slanted so far left it may as well be lying down. But despite this fact, I think it has served an invaluable function in this decade. John Stewart took a Craig Kilborn show that was basically a vehicle for Comedy Central to dry hump A- and B-list celebrities for 1/2 hour, and transformed it into an amazing, complex constant commentary on world events. The show is scathing and unyielding in its criticisms of the media. But unlike so many parodies, it also provides an alternative to throwing up our hands: John Stewart takes care to bring in genuinely smart people for interviews, from pundits to policy-makers to authors, and while he doesn’t ALWAYS listen, he tries to leave us with a takeaway every time. There’s a little bit of Oprah in him.

I guess what I’m saying is… the Daily Show is going to be remembered as a huge cultural force in the ’00′s. For the vast bulk of this decade, we were stuck with a shrug of a president, and an out-of-touch political machine leading the US towards disaster. John Stewart is one of the few people who FACED that, head on. He used his comedy and insight on The Daily Show as a weapon, and while it’s impossible to really know, I’d like to think it made a real difference.

***

So there you have it. I know, I got a little adjective-rich there, but read over and consider. With all the crap that we’ve been through this decade, our TV’s actually treated us pretty damn well. Now maybe in 2010 we can turn it off for a minute and go outside.

Or maybe I’ll just finish up this Two and a Half Men marathon instead. I hear the MaSheen really brings his A game this episode!

0. Two and a Half Men

Meeennnnnnnnn~

Have a nice decade, folks.

I sincerely hope I made every attempt to be fair and honest and if I left off a film you love, please know that it was not with malice and there are only ten spots.  I even split them into two genres because taking any of these off the list kind of made my heart hurt.  Also, feel free to list additional films in the comments section!  Okay.  This will probably be my last post of the year.  Phew.  I’m exhausted.

*  A note to fans of The Lord of the Rings trilogy: Peter Jackson is an amazing filmmaker who I respect greatly, and who directed the hell out of those films.  They’re just not my favorite.

DRAMA

10.  The Hurt Locker (2009)

Truly one of the greatest surprises of the year.  I’ve discussed my admiration already… at length.  And honestly, if Bigelow doesn’t get some kind of recognition from her peers –or at the very least a major studio deal where she can have her way and tell all the suits they can suck it— I’ll be leading the conspiracy train.  And then I’m making a list of people to blame/hunt down.

9.  Closer (2004)

Oddly enough, what makes this film so exceptional has little to do with qualities I might praise in another film.  Plays are tricky like that.  It’s not particularly cinematic and the narrative is actually quite minimal and fragmented.  But what is on screen is endlessly compelling.  The psychology of these characters is incredibly rich and layered, and demand a director of unique sophistication.  Mike Nichols hit a grand slam with this one.  And of course, there’s Clive.  Sigh.

8.  Million Dollar Baby (2004)

This is classic Clint.  Minimal, quiet and focused.  Mr. Eastwood handles the narrative shift in this film with a careful and steady hand, creating what can only be described as an exquisite cinematic masterpiece.  It’s just a beautiful film, earning every tear (many of them were mine) and every award.  And perhaps even eclipses his other pièce-de-résistance, Unforgiven (1992).  Perhaps.  Give me a few years, I’ll have a definite opinion.

7.  25^th Hour (2002)

I love the way Spike plays with realism.  However visually surreal, his work always grasps for truth, exposing the divide between our feats and follies, and undoubtedly forcing us to examine where we are, where we’re going and where we’d like to be.  He achieves it here, as poetically and stylishly as he has in the past, but with the added responsibility of being the first to film in NYC after 9/11.  The reveal of Ground Zero, however distressing, was also handled with integrity; a poignant symbol, not of destruction, but of the painful origins of recovery — when our wounds are still critically exposed and vulnerable.

6.  Pan’s Labyrinth (2006)

Guillermo’s imagination is extraordinary.  His imagery is so carefully constructed and original, it’s as though his monsters are created from his own childhood memories.  Fiercely committed and respectful of adolescent fears, Del Toro makes brilliant use of fantasy to highlight actual terror in the real world.  The monsters in Ofelia’s head are no more terrifying than the monsters she must endure in her life.  The threat is equally real and no matter where we are, we never doubt that it is a matter of life and death.  We believe it… because Del Toro believes it.

5.  The Departed (2006)

“I’m the guy that does his job.  You must be the other guy.”

I think it’d be hilarious if that was how Marty greeted people on his set.  Cause it’d be true.  And frankly, if you don’t like this movie, I have to wonder if you like any movies.  Scorsese got down and dirty and back to his roots… and ingeniously incorporated the ubiquity of cell phones into his raucous little tale of crime and Boston accents (to quote a friend: What, was he supposed to just preTEND the technology doesn’t exist?).  The inclusion provides context for one of the most crucial (and easily one of the most enjoyable) moments of silence in any film ever.

4.  No Country For Old Men (2007)

Has anyone really seen the Coens up close?  Are we sure they’re not puppets?  Or gremlins, or something??  I’m half kidding (there’s no such thing as gremlins).  My point is that the Coen bros. are very, very good at what they do, sometimes inhumanly good.  And they definitely brought their A-game when it came time to make this film.  It’s visually barren, but astounding; spare with words, but every word matters.  I’ve heard a few complainy rumblings about how this film is somehow less of an accomplishment because it’s an adaptation of a Cormac McCarthy novel, and that it’s easier and less impressive when you have source material that is already exceptional.  But anyone who’s seen Memoirs of a Geisha (2005) knows that’s not true.

3.  The Wrestler (2008)

Honestly, I didn’t know Aronofsky had it in him to play it straight.  Not that I didn’t think he could, but I didn’t know that he ever would.  Luckily for all of us, he did, and with wonderful results.  The film gives due respect to the hardworking men who live in the world of professional wrestling, showing them as dedicated and driven performers, above all else.  But the beating heart and soul of this film is Mickey Rourke, no question.  It is quite simply one of the most moving performances I’ve ever had the privilege of seeing.

2.  Kill Bill: Vol. 1 & 2 (2003, 2004)

I wrestled with this for a very long time.  QT delivered one of the greatest cinematic romps this year with Inglourious Basterds (2009), a film I consider to be very near perfect.  But, Kill Bill, for me, will eternally stand as his magnum opus; a sweeping epic about loss and vengeance, pain and redemption, violence and love… all centered around one of the most powerful female characters ever written for the screen.  Her journey is long, and loaded with challenges, anguish, near-death encounters and one very heart-wrenching primal motivation.  Add the fact that every shot of this film is immaculately framed (seriously, watch it and just push pause whenever your little heart desires.  It’ll blow your mind), and you realize the magnitude of labor and care that went into this film.  It’s glourious (ha… see what I did there?).

1.  Match Point (2005)

A magnificent return to form for Mr. Allen.  His dramatically rich narrative reveals a great many things about the institutions to which society –particularly older and… posher societies— seem determined to uphold, and the lengths to which man (to be fair, humans) will go, to maintain its order.  Allen’s protagonist is driven solely by self-preservation, and his survival is predicated not on any sense of decency, but an abundance of favorable happenstance… and the stupidity of others.  In other words: he is free because he is lucky.  But he is not lucky because he is good or moral.  And punishment is not dealt to those who are bad, simply those who are caught.  What’s troubling/brilliant about this film… is that Allen gets us to root for the criminal.  We dread his demise even as we indict those around him as enablers.  Their ignorance is, in a way, our own.  We are all, in some way or at some time: the clueless wife, the selfish mistress, the rigid mother, the petulant son and the useless crusader for justice.  It is quite simply a pristinely classic piece of filmmaking.

COMEDY

10.  High Fidelity (2000)

No one does neurotic as adorably as John Cusack.  In fact, I’d argue that it’s not adorable on anyone except Cusack.  There are like a million awesome moments in this film, all quotable and all true to life.  And how can I not include a film that is filled to the brim with scenes of characters making Best-Of lists?

9.  Mean Girls (2004)

Okay, so… this movie has a somewhat unfair advantage because it was scripted by the marvelously talented Tina Fey.  She’s the best.  She really is.  And most definitely part of the solution, not the problem.  And in the spirit of side-stepping problems, I’m gonna bypass the presence of LiLo (I can’t believe I just typed that) and move on to the actual star of this film, Rachel McAdams, who is absolutely so spot-on-convincing  in her portrayal of Regina George.

Regina: Whatever.  Those rules aren’t real!

Karen: They were real when I wore that vest—

Regina: Because that vest was DISGUSTING!

Ahahahahaha… still funny.

8. Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006)

I think Sacha Baron Cohen is part Jedi.  I’m convinced of it.  It takes an immeasurable amount of mental strength to take part in the events that occur in this out-of-control-hilarious docu-mocku-sketchcomedy-meets-performance-art satire.  I cringe with glee and I laugh with frantic and nervous energy.  Baron Cohen bravely pushes the limits of human decency and in the process, exposes just the right amount of hypocrisy without alienating his audience.  Well… at least whatever audience wasn’t featured in the film.  I don’t really know what to say to them.  Always read the fine print…?

7.  Catch Me If You Can (2002)

Not exactly a slapstick, feel-good kind of comedy, but filled with humor and wonderfully acted.  Leo actually won me over as a legit fan after seeing him in this film.  John Williams (he conducted my orchestra rehearsal once!) delivers a playfully surprising and delightful musical score.  And holy crap, the opening title sequence of this film is the most amazing thing ever, ever, EVER.

6.  Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)

The inside-Hollywood comedy gets a much-needed shot of adrenaline and whip-smart, genre-melding ingenuity.  I can’t recall a time before seeing this film, when I laughed harder than I did seeing this film.

If you need more:

a) it’s hilarious.

b) it’s really hilarious.

c) Robert Downey, Jr. is per-FEC-tion.

d) HILARIOUS.

e) Val Kilmer reminds us why he’s awesome.

f) It’s written/directed by Shane Black.

g) Shane Black also wrote Lethal Weapon (1987).

h) LETHAL. WEAPON.

That’s it, I’m done.

5.  Shaun of the Dead (2004)

Um… choreographed Zombie fight?  Yes, please.  So many noteworthy, well-written scenes and brilliant visual jokes in this film.  And I’m not sure what it is that makes the Brits so amazing at comedy, but it has that going for it as well.  Simon Pegg is simply fantastic.  As is Bill Nighy, who gets a mention just because he’s in a scene that had me laughing so hard, my stomach hurt.

4.  Amélie (2001)

O.  M.  G.  She is the cutest person alive, isn’t she??  This movie just warms my heart.  It’s just so charming and clever and whimsical and so… so French.   It’s like a connect-the-dot picture game, only there are like a million dots, and when you finally connect them all, the picture isn’t of a boring mouse or an umbrella or something equally pointless.  It’s of adorable Audrey Tautou, with a talk-bubble that says “Merci!”  And really, who wouldn’t smile at that?

3.  O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000)

Coens.  Check.  Odyssey.  Check.  George Clooney (Sexiest Man Alive 1997).  Check.  Bluegrass music.  Check.  John Goodman with an eye-patch.  Check.  George Clooney— oh.  Sorry… covered that.   Haa…

What more do you want??  The bros.’ re-imagining of The Odyssey is an outstanding and ingenious piece of cinema… and thankfully steers very clear of excessive zaniness.  A visually, tonally and stylistically cohesive work from beginning to end.  It’s also pretty funny too.

2.  School of Rock (2003)

This movie is the bees knees.  I mean, the BEES KNEES, you know?  Already a classic, in my book.  So satisfying, so touching, so funny, so well-written.  It makes me wish we had Rock Appreciation… and Theory in my grade school.  I feel a little cheated, honestly.  But Jack Black has never been better.  Truly, his finest work.  Let’s rock, let’s rock, today!

1.  Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008)

The more things change, the more they stay the same.  But the change can be scandalously fun and liberating.  Three years after Match Point (2005), Woody followed up with this perfect little gem.  One of the many things for which I credit this film (other than making people obsess about traveling to Barcelona) is the inclusion of female characters that I have absolutely zero desire to strangle.  The women in this film are just so exquisitely flawed and authentic, and in one way or another, I think we’re all psychically tied to at least one of them.  Or all three, as the case may be (and not just because they get to ravage Javier Bardem.  Ahem).  But I mean… beyond that it’s basically your average, run-of-the-mill masterfully written, superbly acted, beautifully shot, hilariously funny and sophisticated comedy about art, love, sex and the meaning of life.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Minority Report (2002)

Urban Legend Report

Early copies of this film included the following note:

Dear Fans,

I just re-watched A.I.: Artificial Intelligence (2001).  I don’t know what came over me.  My sincerest apologies.  Here you go.

Regards,

Steven Spielberg

Brick (2006)

This film had me legitimately geeking out for a while… albeit, silently… and in private.  It’s one of the most imaginative presentations of film noir that I’ve ever seen, and a careful balance of style and story.  Rian Johnson has a truly remarkable ear for language (check out the clever rhymy awesomeness of The Brother’s Bloom (2008) ) and gets added marks for casting Joseph Gordon-Levitt (love).  An ambitious but impressive directorial debut.  I can’t wait to see what he’s got next.

Drag Me to Hell (2009)

See review.

So we here at popten got together and assembled a gigantic list of our favorite albums of the past decade. Then we voted on each others choices. It is amazing how wide a variety of listening styles your trusty pop culture gurus have. I’ve assembled the top vote-getters into a trusty A to Z list. Albums are in order by band name, with apologies up front for slightly fudging letters I, Q, V, and Y – those are album title. Our other, lesser communally-loved albums are tacked on as honorable mentions, by year.

A    Arcade Fire – Funeral (2004)
B    Bon Iver – For Emma, Forever Ago (2008)
C    Chemical Brothers – Push the Button (2005)
D    Daft Punk – Discovery (2001)
E    Eminem – The Marshall Mathers LP (2000)
F    Feist – The Reminder (2007)
G    Girl Talk – Night Ripper (2006)
H    The Hold Steady – Separation Sunday (2005)
I    The Magnetic Fields – i (2004)
J    Josh Rouse – Under Cold Blue Stars (2002)
K    Kanye West – College Dropout (2004)
L    Lil Wayne – The Carter III (2008)
M    Modest Mouse – Good News For People Who Love Bad News (2004)
N    Neko Case – Fox Confessor Brings The Flood (2006)
O    OutKast – Speakerboxxx/The Love Below (2003)
P    The Postal Service – Give Up (2003)
Q    Wolf Parade – Apologies To The Queen Mary (2005)
R    Radiohead – In Rainbows (2007)
S    Sufjan Stevens – Come On Feel The Illinoise (2005)
T    TV On The Radio – Return To Cookie Mountain (2006)
U    U2 – All That You Can’t Leave Behind (2000)
V    Grizzly Bear – Veckamist (2009)
W    Wilco – Yankee Hotel Foxtrot (2002)
X    The xx – xx (2009)
Y    Flaming Lips – Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots (2002)
Z    Jay Z – Blueprint (2001)

Stream the mix in two parts:

Part One (A through M)

Part Two (N through Z)

Honorable Mentions:
2000 Badly Drawn Boy – The Hour of Bewilderbeast * Outkast – Stankonia * Radiohead – Kid A * Sigur Ros – Ágætis Byrjun * System of a Down – Toxicity * Ben Folds – Rockin The Suburbs 2001 New Pornographers – Mass Romantic * Rufus Wainwright – Poses 2002 Beck – Sea Change * Jay-Z – Blueprint 2: The Gift and The Curse 2003 Belle & Sebastian – Dear Catastrophe Waitress * British Sea Power – The Decline of British Sea Power * Darkness – The Darkness * Death Cab For Cutie – Transatlanticism * Fountains of Wayne – Welcome Interstate Managers * Mars Volta – De-loused in the Comatorium * Shins – Chutes Too Narrow  2004 Franz Ferdinand – Franz Ferdinand * Lamb of God – Ashes of the Wake * Rilo Kiley – More Adventurous * Say Anything – …Is a real boy 2005 Andrew Bird – The Mysterious Production of Eggs * Fiona Apple – Extraordinary Machine * New Pornographers – Twin Cinema * Sigur Ros – Takk * Stars – Set Yourself on Fire 2006 Arctic Monkeys – Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not * Ghostface Killah – Fishscale * Muse – Black Holes and Revelations * Silversun Pickups – Carnavas 2007 Battles – Mirrored * Caribou – Andorra * Daft Punk – Alive 2007 * Danger – First EP * Spoon – Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga 2008 Alive In Wild Paint – Ceilings * Blue Sky Black Death – Late Night Cinema * Fleet Foxes – Fleet Foxes * Kanye West – 808s and Heartbreaks * M83 – Saturdays = Youth * MGMT – Oracular Spectacular * TV On The Radio – Dear Science 2009 Animal Collective – Meriweather Post Pavillion * Jay-Z – The Blueprint 3 * Rammstein – Liebe ist für alle da

10. Heavy Tees

They’ve got a few really nice designs overall. The competition was stiff, and these guys definitely made the cut.

9. Think Geek

This is by far not the best shirts they have, but are indicative of the kinda things they tend to create. I always find myself chuckling, and remembering how damned nerdy I am sometimes.

8. Busted Tees

This company rides pretty close to the cheesy web-shirt side of things except that the shirts actually make me smile.

7. NOISEBOT

If this was the only shirt they sold it would be #1 in my book. Unfortunately this shirt company falls into the cheesy web-shirt category a few too many times. But there are gems like these so keep a look out for the must haves here.

6. Sharp Shirter

I found this shirt at McCarren Park Pool in Williamsburg… obviously. They don’t have too much selection, but everything they sell I do seem to like a lot.

5. Nerdy Shirts

I think this shirt says it all. Innovative design meets NES. Lots of good ones to choose from here.

4. South Side Sanctuary

I’m pretty sure this is a Christian t-shirt company, but what can I say… They make awesome shirts. I actually came across this shirt in Austin, TX which is home base for them I believe. Anyways, definitely worth checking out. They are good quality shirts.

3. Shirt Woot!

I love Woot! Everything about this site is genius. $10 shirts. Great deals everyday. What is not to like? Especially when the stock of shirts that come through are this high quality each and everyday.

2. Uneetee

This is a community based site that has a lot of innovative people making designs for it. It seems like the way to go these days is with community t-shirt creation.

1. Threadless

You can’t beat Threadless. This is also a site that has a lot of user generated content. They’ve got by far the most interesting designs I’ve ever seen on the interwebz, and if you’re interested in getting some crit on your shirt ideas they have that too. It’s like going to t-shirt making school, and then pawning of all your school projects.

And finally – since we’re talking Tshirts sit back, relax, and re-watch the Guinness Book of Records for most t-shirts worn at the same time

There are groups that will go down in history as perfect comic matchups. Broken Lizard… Tenacious D… The Kids in the Hall… Tim & Eric… the list goes on and on. One day I’ll make a top 10 for them too. However – today I wanted to focus the spotlight on The Lonely Island guys, and my Top 10 Sketches by them. For I certainly count them as one of the greatest forces of hilarity in my lifetime.

So now a mini-history lesson (probably with some glaring omissions) of these dynamos. Since their early days Andy Samberg has had a meteoric rise to stardom in SNL land with the digital shorts Jorm and Akiva continue to write/direct… Of course they made the less hilarious Hot Rod, but what are you going to do… The amount of goodness they have created is absolutely overwhelming. A real bio of these dudes after the top 10 list.

TOP 10 LONLEY ISLAND SKETCHES

This was really hard for me. There are some old sketches that didn’t make the cut, and you can catch them in the honorable mentions.

10. The Bu – Episode 1 – The Bu is an ongoing show they made. I couldn’t pick one specifically because there are so many gems throughout. The first one is a great introduction though, and definitely worth catching. There are some really awesome surprise guests throughout too.

9. Dick in a Box – SNL Digital Short – This was one of those game changers for The Lonely Island guys. Before this they were a favoriteo of SNL, but after this they were a force to be reckoned with.

8. Bing Bong Brothers – This is when Akiva and Jorma were in the shorts. One of my absolute favorites, and definitely one of the shorts I have watched the most. I did duets of this with Poptenner Jamie for quite awhile.

7. Lazy Sunday – SNL Digital Short – This short was the first Digital Short by the guys on SNL. It paved the way for all things Lonely Island. It still has a lot of the flavor from their older sketches like “Just 2 Guyz”.

6. Just 2 Guyz – Another Akiva and Jorma original. This is the tops right here for them. Favorite line has to be “Who invited Steve? That dude is a CU*T”

5. Natalie Raps – SNL Digital Short – Nothing is better than Natalie Portman being hard as shit. It’s everything you hope she actually is in real life.

4. The Legend of Anders Pants – This is in an older section of the Lonely Island site. Even older than there shorts. It’s called a Quickie. Man I love this sketch. Not sure why it’s not on youtube… maybe it is. Okay it is, and here you go -

3. The Heist (MP3) - Needs a video so badly I would do it in a heartbeat – http://thelonelyisland.com/music.html. This is my favorite track of all their songs. In lieu of a real video – Here are a couple of decent/pretty good tribute videos made by film students who love it as well.

2. People Getting Punched Right Before Eating – SNL Digital Short – Pure brilliance. Nothing is better than a Jovi Punch with a full recovery. The twist at the end makes it all the better.

1. Ka-Blamo! – The first Incredibad (Lonely Island’s band name) music video. This one is not just an oldie but goodie… but also the best. Its got the sound and vibe that they carry through all their sketches.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Nintendo – This was the one I saw first. I was hooked from here on out.

Space Olympics – It’s brilliant and hilarious. Cameo by our favorite olympic swimmer. This will definitely be in the ranking soon. It just needs to simmer for awhile. Plus I already posted about this once on Popten already.

Stork Patrol – Nuff said.

The Japanese Office – SNL Digital Short

Business Meeting with Rainn Wilson – SNL Digital Short – I actually somehow missed this one when it first came out. So I just recently saw it. It’s definitely growing on me. Maybe it’ll hit my Top 10 one day.

Mark Whalberg Talks to Animals – This caused such an upset, and it was pretty amazing to see it happen. I love it when they bring the people who they make fun of on the show to apologize. The fact that both Palin and Whalberg were on in one show is a testament to how many buttons SNL has been pushing this year.

Finally! If you want to know more about these guys here is a quick biography of them, their work, and their goodness.

The Lonely Island is a group of filmmakers founded in 2001 by Akiva Schaffer, Jorma Taccone, and Andy Samberg (aka The Dudes). The group was originally from Los Angeles, California but now reside in New York. The Lonely Island has created numerous comedic films, shorts, parody songs, and music videos. They have written shorts for the popular television show Saturday Night Live, most notably “Lazy Sunday” and “Dick in a Box“. They have made three full-length television pilots, all of which were rejected. The group operates a web site under the same name that showcases their collaborations. The site also includes a blog from second-tier member Chester Tam, often referred to as Chez (pronounced CHAY). The blog, titled Chez Chat, gives humorous summaries of the site’s updates.

• Andy Samberg majored in film at University of California, Santa Cruz and New York University (NYU) and has been the most publicly active member of the group. He is a current cast member on SNL, and has appeared on Premium Blend and had a cameo on Arrested Development. Samberg also made guest appearances on Late Night with Conan O’Brien and The Late Show with David Letterman since joining SNL. He is the lead actor in Hot Rod.
• Akiva Schaffer attended University of California, Santa Cruz film school and is primarily the director of the group. He also directed four music videos for the indie rock group We Are Scientists as well as Eagles of Death Metal‘s “I Want You So Hard (Boy’s Bad News).” On SNL, he works as a writer/director primarily known for directing the SNL Digital Shorts. Schaffer directed Hot Rod.
• Jorma Taccone earned a degree in theater from University of California, Los Angeles. Outside of the Lonely Island, Taccone has worked as a model for the World Series of Poker. Taccone is currently a writer on SNL and is one of the stars of Hot Rod.

There’s an art and a science in choosing the proper books for your reign on the ivory throne.  I’ve met many who don’t respect the science, and a few who are consummate masters at it.  It’s a delicate and maddeningly specific art of curating/cultivating the perfect set of books.  Uncle John tries to make it easier, and his books are definitely masterpieces, but many of us know that we can’t afford to take the easy way out.  We need to erect our own toilet libraries.

Of the many bathrooms I’ve frequented over the years, there is one that’s head-and-shoulders above the rest in fecetiobibliophilia.  Fellow PopTen contributor Jamie’s second mom, Mary.  I go out of my way to visit Mary’s bathroom, if only to marvel at her new selections.  Everything from The Darwin Awards to Famous Old Hollywood Quotes to Pop Philosophy… (help me out here, Jamie).

For those who are proud of their bathroom libraries, please comment- I’m always looking for a few new books.

Here are my top six choices:

1. The Official Nintento Player’s Guide

This book rules the john.  As any card-carrying member of the Nintendo Generation will tell you, this is the retro gaming bible.  You probably met the book with a clenched fist as a child, because getting this book with your NES means you didn’t get Super Mario Bros.  But over the years, as you pore over the Kid Icarus maps, or read about those levels of Castlevania you’ll never reach, it’s become one of the books you’ve read most.  The other day I noticed a copy in PopTenner Chris’ bathroom, and realized that he had truly reached Restroom Nirvana.  I applaud you, Chris.

2. The Book of Lists

The name says it all.  Though you can kick the retro-tip and score the original version, you’ll probably want to get a more recent version, that isn’t obsessed with Twiggy (I swear, she’s in every damn list in this version!)  Though I used to have this on my ivory shelf years ago, fellow PopTenner Hawkes Klein reminded me of it with inclusion on her toilet shelf.

3. The 100

Written by some random scientist, and completely based on his opinions, this book is gold.  The most influential person in history?  Muhammad.  Number two?  Isaac Newton.  Who is obviously more important and influential than the third choice, Jesus.  Extra points to the author for arguing that Shakespeare was actually Edward de Vere.  (He was.  I’ll leave that to a later post, though.)

4. The Assassin’s Cloak

Every day of the year has diary entries from famous writers, thinkers and politicians throughout history.  It really deserves to be on everyone’s shelf, or at least toilet.  It’s an unparalleled voyeuristic look into the lives of countless luminaries, and the prose can be gorgeous.  I love this book.

5.  For Beginners Guides

Every toilet deserves at least one For Beginners book.  These are comics breaking down ludicrously pretentious topics.  If pomo isn’t your thing, try Deconstruction, Derrida, Lacan or Foucault For Beginners.  (Okay, maybe pomo *has* to be your thing.)  There’s nothing better than coming out of the bathroom and quoting Lacanian theory.

6.  Marvel Encyclopedia

I’ll admit it- I’ve always preferred the Marvel Universe to our own.  When they develop a better CAT scan, I’ll finally know for certain that a good 75% of my brain is devoted to useless comic trivia.  (Like the difference between Golden Age Human Torch and the Fantastic Four’s Human Torch, and the former’s relation to the Avenger’s Vision.)  But anyone can benefit from a quick dip into the Marvel canon.  The Encyclopedia’s got it all- from Captain America to Aunt May.  Every listing has “Essential Reading” which wants to push you to the comic book store, paying thousands for Amazing Stories #15.

PLEASE comment with your own books- I’m always trying to grow my toilet library.

I’ve had this theory forever, but recently started sharing it with friends, and they agree:

Our core taste in music- the foundation upon which it is all built- happens somewhere during tenth grade.

My tenth grade year was a sink hole.  It began as panic attacks at school, led to full-blown social phobia, and I ended up more or less locked in my room for the entire year.  From time to time I’d wander out and post my indecipherable poems on Prodigy (the internet of 1994, young-uns).  Otherwise it was me in my room, listening to music.  I listened to a lot of music.  And most of it stuck.

Of my top-ten albums of all time, a full five came from 1994.  At the risk of revealing my taste in music, those five (in order of love) are:

2. Automatic For the People – REM

3. Under the Pink – Tori Amos

5. Elemental – Tears For Fears

6. Cosmic Thing – B52s

10. Possum Dixon – Possum Dixon

Before the flaming begins, keep in mind I mean I LISTENED to these five albums for the first time sophomore year of high school.  And I’ve probably listened to those five albums at some point in the past month or two.  They’re still on heavy rotation, nearly fifteen years later.

When I first formulated this theory, I thought it was a fluke- not everyone gets hit with the depression stick in tenth grade.  But I found that despite the circumstances, something about our psychosocial development seems to anchor the center of our cultural gravity when we’re fifteen or sixteen.  Ask nearly anyone the last time “music was really good” and except for the classic rockers and Floyd-heads, they’ll probably figure sometime around their tenth grade year.  At least I’ve found it to be so.

But I’d love all of your opinions/anecdotes/biographies/top ten…