Top Ten Things Worth Uninventing

Forget about atomic bombs and crystal meth and crimper irons. It’s time to get serious about uninventing the things that have breathed toxic mold into the land of pop cultura for months, if not decades.

10. Hotel hangers attached to the rack.

Who in the hell wants to steal a hotel hanger? They are six for a buck at that discount beauty store on Court Street in Carroll Gardens. If anything, I’d throw the mini bourbon down the hatch and refill its bottle with Snapple peach tea. Their caramel colors are near identical. 9. Sun Chips’ deafening compostable bag.

One small step for man, one giant leap backward for mankind. I’m 100% behind green living, but did you ever crinkle this bag? I saw homeless people turn it down. I saw a jet engine fly overhead, but I couldn’t hear it because I was snacking on Sun Chips. At the same time, I saw a deaf person hear for the first time. 8. The Topsy Tail AND Bumpits, a one-two punch.

Both of these hair tools are designed to help you resemble a horse. End of discussion. 7. Colored Contacts

No, not the creepy cateyes that goth kids don. I’m referring to the “realistic” contacts that, upon closer inspection, make your eyes look like they’ve been etched with a counterfeit colored pencil. Embrace your genes, people! 6. Circus Peanuts

Do you know anybody who likes them? 5. The Anti-Bandit Bag of 1963.

According to LIFE.com, this bag had an “emergency” chain you could pull so that if a burglar approached, the contents would fall everywhere. I’d rather carry my valuables in a Sun Chips bag. 4. High-heeled rain boots.

Wrong, wrong, wrong. Rainboots are for trip-trapping through sloppy streets and muddy paths. You don’t wear

heels in that weather for good reason. Idiotic. 3. Bras with clear straps.

Say, you know what’s less inconspicuous than a flesh-toned bra strap? A REFLECTIVE one that attracts light. Why is your bra showing to begin with? Drop that sass and get some class. 2. Gilbert Gottfried

Shame on me. I can’t seem to get past his voice or his annoying, crappy Twitter jokes about the recent disasters in Japan. Listen up Gil, tragedy + time = comedy. A simple equation! You’re missing the second bit. I don’t want to end this list on a downer. Let’s move on.

[Ed. note: Attempts to reach the Aflac duck for comment were not answered.] 1. Edible Long Underwear

I might be jumping the gun here, having seen no actual sign of edible long johns in existence. But let’s plan to uninvent this too one day…