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Movie Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen: Knight & Day

Oh dear Lord what is wrong with me? Seriously, there are the things going through my clearly deranged and misguided head like “oh my my isn’t Tom Cruise charming?” WTF? I keep seeing him in that denim shirt with that hair shaking in front of his eyes and I am MAGICALLY transported to my mom’s game room, I’m 15. I’m sewing extremely 90’s purses made of red velvet for my friends. I’m watching Top Gun on TV and I’m thinking to myself… I can’t wait to grow up and go to bars and meet handsome men!! (yay for me, that happened, who said I didn’t have ambition to see my goals through?) Handsome men with microphones and complicated childhoods and… OH MY GOD I JUST SWOONED ON THE INSIDE THINKING OF TOM CRUISE IN “THE FIRM.” I might need to be institutionalized. I wonder if my health insurance covers that…

I went to Rotten Tomatoes to try to get this feeling to go away (to lose this loving feeling if you will), it’s at 53%. That’s not too bad, and even the bad reviews are like “oh it’s silly and they have no chemistry.” Well duh they have no chemistry, but I’m totally willing to believe that they hung out every night talking about magic and rainbows and giggling a lot. Take this green splat review from Dana Stevens at Slate:

Cruise, for his part, can still dependably produce unlimited quantities of Tom Cruise-ness, a natural resource undiminished and virtually unchanged since its discovery in 1983.

See? That’s not that bad!

Right now I’m totally ignoring so many factors:
– He’s crazy
– His marriage if not fake, is at the least creepy
– He lets his daughter wear high heels
– The Les Grossman thing
– The Oprah thing
– The crazy thing

I CAN’T EVEN REMEMBER THE CLEARLY EXTENSIVE LIST OF REASONS NOT TO LIKE TOM CRUISE.

I’m back in! I’m back on the band wagon, I’m back in the saddle!

Also I’m terrified of flying IRL, and it’s not even bothering me that there’s a plane crash in this trailer! My instincts are saying, oh Tom’s there, everything is FINE.

(Also I should mention that I’m having an emotional crisis because I’m the same age as Diaz when she was in the Sweetest Thing. She was a successful advertising agent, she had a really nice couch and she was totally ready to get married! Opposite of my life! Even now though, I can’t remember not liking her… Tom Cruise is MAKING me like Cameron Diaz with his bangs! HOW!?!)

Mother of crap I’m going to love this.

2 thoughts on “Movie Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen: Knight & Day”

  1. Rachel says:

    Dear Hawkes,

    It was really fun being your friend for the past 9 years. But based on the above post, I am going to have to discontinue our friendship. I was willing to let your love of “The Sweetest Thing” slide, but now you have gone too far. I think you may be crazy.

    Best regards in your future endeavors.

    Rachel

  2. Jamie says:

    Yay, MRoMIHS (pronounciation guide: Muhrohmees) is back ! I missed it!

    I don’t know why, but I agree with you… the previews for this looked… sort of good to me. Screw my better judgement, ima watch this crap, and every time Tom Cruise flashes a smile while something is exploding or dying in the background, I will find something drinky to swig.

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