Friday Round Up!
By Hawkes Klein
(A top 10 list of stuff on the internet, you know in case this whole format confused you). The general theme this week: The world is a terrible, terrible place, and nobody can be trusted.
1. There aren’t words to describe how upset I am that Jesse James cheated on Sandra Bullock! Sandy! She’s the best! She just freaking went to court to get custody of his child over his porn-star ex wife (who allegedly has drug issues and is dating someone totally unstable). The best chance that little girl had in life was to have Sandra as a step-mom! Plus, this girl that he cheated with is so ridiculously awful (telling the press that they didn’t use condoms! Holy crap!). I keep trying to read updates but articles are riddled with mostly naked tattoo pictures (how on earth do you get an ass tattoo? I’m curious, do you not sit or wear bottoms for a few weeks while it heals?) NSFW full-ass-tattoo pictures and a half-ass apology HERE.
2. I mentioned public service announcements earlier this week. Here’s another: It’s all intents and purposes.
3. Back to cheating husbands. I think it’s hilarious that Joslyn James is super mad at Tiger Woods and won’t shut up about it. YOU ARE A BAD PERSON, JOSLYN. Christ. You knew he was married and you slept with him anyway! You changed your haircut and hired a lawyer and we’re supposed to forget that you’re a porn star? THEN you release really (really) gross text messages from Tiger to the press! Stay classy. (Also there’s a rumor that a Tiger Bot will send texts to your phone, which is probably hilarious, details HERE).
4. You know who else cheated? Sam Mendes. I made this visual representation of how I feel:
WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO GOOD OLD FASHIONED DIVORCE? This isn’t working out for you? Me either! Thank God I wrote my name on my DVDs when we moved in! NOW I can sleep with other people!
5. I also mentioned this earlier, but let’s go into details. So a guy was jogging, listening to his ipod, and he got hit in the head BY A PLANE. One of the people in this fascinating news reel says “You hear about these things…” Huh? No you don’t! I’ve never ever heard of a small plane crashing into a jogger on the beach! I’ve heard of small planes crashing, they crash all the time, you’re an idiot if you go in one. A jogger being killed by one? No. That should not have happened.
6. One more terrifying thing. A dude in NYC died this week because a balcony railing gave way! Oh hello, something that is totally on my list of top 25 fears! Balconies in NYC are terrifying, I hate being on them since they FEEL so unsafe. Nice to know that they actually are.
7. I need to calm down. Look what Etsy did on Wednesday. Cute!
8. Something beyond awesome is happening in movie land.
Sigourney Weaver is set to play a bloodthirsty vampire queen in the romantic horror-comedy “Vamps” says Heat Vision Blog.The contemporary story follows two beautiful young vampires (Alicia Silverstone, Krysten Ritter) who enjoy the New York City nightlife until romance jeopardizes their immortality.Weaver will play Ciccerus, the vampiress who turned the girls into vampires . “Clueless” writer/director Amy Heckerling helms the project which starts shooting in late April.
Finally a vampire I can get on board with.
9. Also this week I wasn’t the only person to pick up a story in the Daily Mail (just kidding, I’m never the only person to do anything) but now this is all over the webs. There’s a lady in New Jersey who wants to be the heaviest woman in the world. You know what? This is so gross I won’t even link to it. If you stumble upon it I’m sorry, you’ve been warned.
10. Now that I feel terrible let’s talk about the only fun thing this week! FUG MADNESS! Wooooooord! I, along with most of America, dutifully filled out my March Madness bracket (and almost instantly lost $25). For girls (and those of us who went to colleges where nobody cares about basketball) there’s Go Fug Yourselves’s Fug Madness tournament! A detailed bracket-style tournament that pairs the best and the worst and the best of the insane fashion from the past year! I’m losing that one too but at least my guesses were educated!
