Top 5 Reasons NOT to date a Musician
I’m helping a few friends through the jungles of online dating and thought that maybe I should pass my dating knowledge onto the world. Mistakes? I’ve made a few, but then again, too few to mention! Well, actually I’m going to list them for y’all to save some heartache, some money, and a crap ton of time.
Some background, I’ve had 5 serious boyfriends. Of the 4 that I’m not currently dating, three are married and one has a child. I talk to two of them regularly, and consider one of the two among my very best friends. The third I speak to on occasion on Facebook and the last has disappeared and can only be tracked via imdb.
So, from all that experience I’m going to give you my first piece of advice which I’ve entitled:
“If I have to listen to one more person sing me “Brown Eyed Girl” shirtless with an acoustic guitar I’m going to kill myself”
Lesson 1: Don’t date musicians
1. It’s a time commitment
I’m sure you’ve gone to see your friends’ bands play and they’re a pretty good break every month or so. Everybody mingles, you learn the words sort of and you have a great time. Now take that experience and multiply it by ONE MILLLION. Sister, you have to go to EVERY show, you even have to go to practice! You have to go to the shows in the basement at Jewish Community Centers at 5pm on a Sunday. You have to sit in the back of a van and unload a drum kit in New Jersey on Tuesdays. You have to stand behind a merch table in the back of a crowded club and dodge flying bodies from the mosh pit (true story, had bruises and got punched in the face). If you want to see your boyfriend at all you have to go to everything, and if you miss just one you’re in a ton of trouble and clearly don’t understand his passions.
2. They’re not going to be very good
Let’s face it, Justin Timberlake is not knocking on your door (he may be knocking on my sisters, if all goes to plan, but still). So not only do you have to go to a million shows you have to go to a million “eh” shows. I can tell you right now that the green room at CBGBs was a cesspool, and they don’t get much better anywhere else. More often than not you’ll either find yourself sitting on a couch drinking free beers surrounded by smoking 19 year olds, or at the bar. (note, drink tickets are a plus) It’ll progressively get worse if they start recording, you’re going to have to put it on your Ipod. Several times I’ve been listening to my ‘pod on random and thought “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!” and then felt bad.
3. They’re probably going to cheat on you
Picture this: You spend the night with the lead singer of a band. He makes you dinner, you drink wine, you talk secrets all night. You’re pretty freaking happy! The next night you see a random friend at one of his shows… she sees you. “Hey what are you doing here!”s ensue. And oh, turns out her friend is the lead singers GIRLFRIEND. Um. Excuse me? Awkward. It’s super romantic to think that Jon Bon Jovi married his highschool girlfriend, but ladies do remember that he freaking left her for Diane Lane. When DL broke JBJ’s heart he wrote “You give love a bad name” and back to the old gf. What’s worse? Having him leave and come back, or having one of his most awesome songs be about her?
4. They’re going to write songs about you
Both good and bad. I’ve had two. One was written post break up and is called something like “love heartbroken” and has lyrics that sound something like “she was awesome but I freaking hate her guts right now.” Thanks, I’ll send that one to my Mom. One (which thank god I can’t find on line) was even on the radio in Vegas! Heeeey look at me! I can’t remember the exact chorus but it goes something like “Missing you is like going days without water, not getting to hold you feels like torture, if this is what it’s like to be without your touch then I’ll seeee you in my dreaaaaaaaams.” I’m getting pangs of embarrassment as I type this, I used to play this song for people. In college I had that guys freaking HEADSHOT autographed by my bed. What? That doesn’t even make sense.
5. There is possibility for VERY embarrassing things
As embarrassing as it is to have a mediocre boy band song written about you, it can get worse. You have to make small talk with other girlfriends of band members and there’s hardly anything to say. You have to endure people telling you that the songs are super good, when you know that they’re lying. You’re probably going to have to crawl onto the stage and deliver bottles of water to the members mid-set. But it’s not even that that’s the worst of it. Sometimes you find yourself totally overcome with the urge to sing along at the top of your lungs and there are never more than 5 people doing this. Sometimes you’re so desperate to catch your boyfriend’s eye that you’ll find yourself standing on couches and tables waving like a lunatic. You begin to hate every female in the room, you get so overcome with jealousy that you turn into a crazy person. At its worst you may start requesting “Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel every single day! Someday you may even find yourself in Germany where you accidentally kiss a lunatic who happens to be the lead singer of a band. You’re suckered into watching him play and he decides that it makes sense to announce that his guitar is his “baby.” THEN he turns red and looks at you and says IN FRONT OF EVERY ONE “I mean… my second baby.” Oh dear sweet lord erase that memory from my brain!
Dating someone who is talented and artsy is a totally reasonable thing to want to do. It all seems so exciting, but believe me it gets old fast. A musician will do the same thing over and over each night and you have to BE there! Plus, he’ll leave on tour and you have no idea what he’s doing while he’s gone, I’m telling you right now I don’t trust him. It’s not a lifestyle made for dating, so go buy yourself a CD of a band you actually like and spend your days fantasizing about dating the bassist. Just keep it a fantasy, your heart will thank you.
Which brings me to next weeks column:
“My love 4 you is like tree it grows higher each day”
Lesson 2: Don’t date Europeans
** image via http://www.whosdatedwho.com/ which is awesome, btw **