10 Guilty Pleasures…
I think that kind of says it all. Enjoy:
1. Tango & Cash
I’d like to take this moment to confess that my biggest guilty pleasure is not one movie, but an entire genre… a genre entitled: Sylvester-Stallone-Used-To-Be-A-Big-Freaking-Movie-Star-and-Got-Paid-To-Be-In-Some-of-The-Worst/Awesome-Movies-In-The-History-Of-Moviedom. There are many, many to choose from, but this one ranks as my favorite*, for a number of reasons. And an appearance from Jack Palance is only one of them. This little gem gives us Sly playing ‘smart’ by spending most of the film wrapped in a three-piece suit, chewing on a pair of reading glasses, an unintentionally hilarious prison fight, a bro-mance between Tango and Cash (who are a bizarre mishmash of Murtaugh/Riggs from Lethal Weapon and Cates/Hammond from 48 Hrs.), Kurt Russell in drag, exploding bazooka boots, Teri Hatcher dancing like a spaz with a fantastically bad perm, and a synth-heavy score, which totally bites the theme from Beverly Hills Cop. It’s like the 80s ate its own crap and then threw up a movie. IN.CREDIBLE.
*A very close second is Over The Top. Trucks. Arm wrestling. That is all.
2. Beverly Hills 90210 (The High School Years)
I have often said that many things in life can be traced back to an episode of either this show or Saved By the Bell.
There’s something bordering on magical about the early 90s that is impossible to articulate. But it’s equal parts awful and amazing. When news of a 90210 revamp made headlines, my only thought was: How? HOW can they POSSIBLY recapture the MAGIC that is Luke Perry and his receding hairline, at the spirited age of 17?! Suffice to say, I think this show is single handedly responsible for screwing up our age perception. But Brenda’s tumor is benign! Phew. Dylan loves Brenda! No, Dylan loves Kelly! No one loves Steve (sad…)! Brandon loves everyone… and his eyebrows! And Donna Martin Graduates, damn it!
3. The Beastmaster
I haven’t seen this shit in a while and I have yet to meet anyone who actually remembers it, but it’s a piece of work, my friends. It’s like Willow… on shrooms AND acid… with way more male nudity. Rip Torn plays some crazy evil overlord who wants to rid the land of first-born children. There are weird hooded sorcerers, golden rings made of eyeballs, bat-vampires that eat flesh and suck humans out of their clothes (read: loincloths), slave girls, John Amos (a.k.a. Admiral Percy Fitzwallace) as the bodyguard of the future king (he’s like 14 or something), quicksand, the WORST A.D.R. looping you could ever imagine and a plethora of wild animals, including two ferrets, a hawk and a wild tiger/panther (I can’t remember which). Dig it.
4. Gone in 60 Seconds (2000)
I acknowledge the degree of hypocrisy, considering the vitriol I unleashed regarding remakes in my previous post. BUT… this list is about guilty pleasures and this movie is basically Bruckheimer-by-numbers. So here’s my pitch: It’s sort of awesome watching people get away with shit you would never do in real life. Like, stealing cars… some really, really nice cars. Also, Cage is reliably insufferable/comical. WTF happened to him? Was he ever good? Or was that a fluke? Christopher Eccleston always shows up in the most random roles and is appropriately hammy and sinister in this one. I sort of heart Scott Caan, if only for Ocean’s 11. Oh, and I covet Angelina Jolie’s hair in this movie.
I mean… yeah. This movie’s just… hideously sublime. There is so much wrong. But the wrong = GLORIOUS. NICOLE-4-EVA!!
Underground fighting, dreamy training sequences, exposed broken bones, blind fighting, Jean-Claude Van Damme! I just don’t know what else to say.
7. Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
If you’ll allow me a moment of sentimentality: I was a late bloomer in terms of theatre going, and this was only the second film I had ever seen up on the big screen. I was like 9 or 10. Costner is ALL over the place on this one, and Rickman is barely taking the time to actually chew, he’s just swallowing the scenery whole. But I know this movie inside and out, and it is still kind of a treat when it gets some cable play. And hello, without it, what song would we have slow-danced to at school?
8. Nothing To Lose
I actually only feel mildly guilty about this one. I can’t help it. It makes me laugh. Martin Lawrence is legit hilarious and Tim Robbins has some real chops as a comedic actor. It’s a very silly story with some very silly gags that I still find very funny.
9. Can’t Buy Me Love
Before he was Dr. McDreamy (barf), he was nerdy Ronald Miller. And Richard Gere has nothing on him. Cause Ronnie got the girl for a whole MONTH, and only had to pay $1000. That sounds offensive, but it’s really not once you see it. What truly makes this film though, is watching one particularly profanity-heavy scene when it’s on cable. The looping is nothing short of stellar. And by stellar, I mean I think a monkey was running the soundboard.
10. Center Stage
Um… I like dancing in movies. SUE ME. And they got actual ballet dancers to play a lot of the leads. They can’t act to save their lives, but WHO CARES! LOOK AT THEM DANCE!!!!!!!! Top it off with a sickeningly enjoyable bubble gum soundtrack (minus the Red Hot Chili Peppers covering Stevie Wonder, which is amazing), and you’ve got a recipe for fantabulousness.